A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I've been with the boyfriend just under a year. Recently found out that one of his friends (a girl) who he has known since he was a teenager (he's approaching 40) he slept with two years ago (after his his birthday party). Very drunk affair- he initiated it but told me he didn't fancy her. He was single at the time and she wasn't (but told me was going through a bad patch and he had come out of a decade long relationship so a low point for him). She lives abroad so only comes here every few years to meet up with a large group (his family included which is how he knows her really). He regretted it immiediately (mainly cos she was a friend apparently) and not seen her since. He tells me that when she is over next, that he will go out of his way to see her (as per usual in large group) and it would be weird not to. I've expressed upset with this. I just feel like as it was the last time he saw her, the first time they meet after that incident is going be highly awkward (whether I'm there or not). Clearly it will be at the forefront of both of their minds. I'm also of the view that anyone you've had a sexual interaction with (relationship or not) belongs in the past. Even though he says (after a LOT of discussion/ heated conversations) that he won't see her, I'm upset that he even wants to. I trust him but I don't know her and the fact she cheated on her partner makes me uncomfortable. My bf thinks I'm being unreasonable for not being understanding. . Am I? Also note in his past he was extremely cautious with ex gf - they ultimately split due to trust issues. He has admitted that he wouldn't like it if his ex asked to do what he's doing) Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): A sexual history is a sexual history. It does matter. It would matter every bit as much even if it had been 20 years ago. There is no expiration date for when it stops being relevant. But 20 years of friendship before a sexual fling matters too. When he says "I wouldn't be very happy about it if our roles were reversed either" this could be called hypocrisy or it could be called an attempt to show he understands your feelings. Depends on how you look at it. I would be more bothered if he really didn't understand why this upsets you, than if he says he understands how it's a sticking point but he would like to meet her again with your permission. I would vote to set some basic boundaries (like NOTHING can ever be kept a secret from you, no flirting, an extra phone call, etc) and allow them to meet. If your BF really wanted to hide something then he didn't have to tell you anything about this at all.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): I am sorry but i think you should not have caved in, also the way he said we'd cross that bridge when we come to it to you when you said that you'd be fine as long as you attended makes me think he has no intention of bringing you or even wanting you there. Sounds like a mini storm in a teacup that you will have allowed, also, you can't sleep with someone you don't fancy as a man... It doesn't work!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (11 October 2015):
 Your re-submittal makes it clear that you're OK with getting clobbered again. OK..... but don't ask us "Wha' happened???"
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2015): I'm the original poster. Thank you for your comments ladies. We've since had another discussion where I explained that although it would make me feel uncomfortable I'd be ok with It for his sake but would expect to go along. . He's since backtracked a little and said that we'd cross that bridge when we come to it. I think he realises that it's really a by thing for me to say that and he doesn't like to see me upset. I think he realises that he was more defending the principle than actually wanting to see her. I feel better now but like one of you had said, I would want him or me to make it clear to her that I know, when the meeting does come about, if it does. She might want to keep secrets from her partner but I've got to give him some credit for telling me and ensuring that she knows there are no secrets between me and him cos he does love me, I genuinely know that. Thank you for your advice. Really helpful.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 October 2015):
You write: "My bf thinks I'm being unreasonable for not being understanding. . Am I?"
Sometimes, it's O.K. to be "unreasonable." THIS is one of those times..... Don't back down....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 October 2015):
 He's known her since he was a teenager. Howcome some 20-years of friendship is reduced to a one night stand sex affair? Look, if he only had a one night stand with her, no friendship, didn't know her some 20 years, then SURE I'd get your problem. But he's not going to see his former one night stand, he's going to see his old friend of some 20 years!
Maybe you would feel awkward if it was you who had sex with a friend of some 20 years, and maybe to YOU the entire friendship would be reduced to that one night stand, but you do not get to tell others how they should feel and react. Whether or not YOU would dint it awkward isn't relevant! Because it's not about YOU.
Look, so he trusted you with some information, and now you're using it against him to control his life and who he gets to talk to and not.
If you trust him so little that you honestly think he is going to jump into bed with her again the moment he sees her, then why are you in a relationship with him? He was friends with her some 20 years WITHOUT having a sexual relationship with her, but his ability to NOT sleep with her all those years, or for that matter NOT sleep with all his other friends, and the fact that he was SINGLE at the time, appears to mean nothing.
This is completely irrational. Let the bloke go meet his friend and back off. He's not cheating on you, she's not his former lover or gf, she's his old time friend. Give it a break, you're barking up the wrong tree.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 October 2015):
 I'll take Ivyblue's advice one step further...
He said "I wouldn't like it if my ex asked to do" the meeting.
What he should have thought of was how he would feel if YOU informed him that you were going to go out of YOUR way to meet an ex-sex partner. Guys tend to get extremely territorial when it's women meeting exes or other men.
I would not have it. It wasn't like he slept with her at age 17 when people were figuring out which thing went into which hole! Two years ago is RECENT, and I would be thinking that I'm getting lied to and that he's been carrying on with her. "Can't wait to see her?" Wow.
Here's where it gets tricky - this is some sort of longtime family group, which sounds like "Family reunion". You should go to it. He does *NOT* get to see this girl outside of that group setting. It's hard to tell him he's cut off from a lifetime group of loved ones. But you can go too.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (10 October 2015):
 I don't know what I would be more annoyed with the fact that he has made it clear that he intends to 'Go out of his way to see her' or the fact that he is openly and accepting of his own hypocritical omission that if the shoe was on the other foot, he wouldn't like it either. I mean up until that point I probably would have said- look it was a one off, regrettable, drunk'in mistake. Having said that I would make it very clear that when the time comes, you are his gf and therefore coming along to any gathering the group might have planned where she is in attendance and given he wouldn't feel comfortable if it were him in your situation, should you find out that he see her behind your back shit will hit the fan. Boundaries need to be set and understanding of consequences should he decide to make another 'regrettable mistake'. Should she want to exercise her prowess in your presence let her know that you know already and hardly intimidated by someone referred to as a drunk'n mistake.
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