A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a girl from work for almost six months now and we have been getting along very well in that time. We don't get to see each other as often as we would like as she also works as a live-in carer looking after a man who is 71 years old.My GF is from Poland and was offered the job by the man's family a year or so ago - before I met her anyway. The family told her that she could live there rent free in order to save for her own place. In exchange it was agreed that she would ensure the old man has his meals prepared, laundry washed, house, cleaned, etc. At the time she was new to the area and hadn't started work in my workplace yet, so she accepted the job.All good so far.The strange thing is my GF won't let me walk her home to the house after we've been out. I've never met the old man and she has told him nothing about me. Naturally, I was curious about this and asked her why I can't even see her safely home. She told me that the old man's family told her that she was not to have visitors to the house, no parties, etc and as she had no friends or boyfriend at that time so agreed to these rules.She told me that the old man is a bit eccentric and very rarely leaves the house or has visitors round and questions everything she does. He spends his time in the garden or messing about with old TV sets and radios! She said the place is always a mess with his junk and she would be embarrased to have me round anyway.The other night we had been out and again, I offered to walk her home. She told me 'No' and insisted she went alone. I explained that all I wanted to do was walk her to the garden path, not to the door, but she started getting mad at me and said that she didn't want the neighbours seeing us and having to answer their questions when they see her. She said that the old man will find out and question her constantly about us as he does with everything else. She said she doesn't want to feel that she has to explain herself or resort to lying.So I questioned this by saying its okay not to let the neighbours be suspicious or question things, but it's okay to leave me feeling suspicious and insecure about it. Why the secrecy? Who cares what people think? I'm not going to do anything stupid or illegal! I just wanted to ensure she got home safely.I said all she has to do is say I'm a friend from work walking her home. Lots of women have male friends and people accept that. The neighbours probably won't give a toss anyway who she's with. She said I should respect her decision and not spoil what was a lovely evening.Also, in addition to this, she told me once that the neighbour jokes with the old man about her being his young girlfriend! That made me a bit uncomfortable at first, but I deal with it and let it pass. However, I'm beginning to wonder what really is going on there.Don't get me wrong, I consider her to be a reliable and honest person as she has been open with me about various personal things, and she has even told her family back in Poland about me as we are going out there for a visit early next year. I can't help but think there are red flags flying here though and don't want things to go out of control between us over something like this.I would be greatful for any views about this.Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 November 2011):
 I personally don't think she is hiding anything; maybe the atmosphere at the old man's place isn't the best and she doesn't want any drama with him. Sometimes aged people can be very persnickety and irritating and they want details for everything under the sun!
He might go to the extent of telling his family something that might make things uncomfortable for your girlfriend, and sometimes older people do have a habit of exaggerating and repeating the same thing over and over again. Its actually a bit of a pain!
It needs a lot of patience to deal with an old person, because they become almost like children...irrational, difficult and unreasonable. Try to understand what your girlfriend goes through everyday. Maybe you and me have the liberty to get angry with our grandparents if they ask too many questions, but she cant even tell the old man anything because he is her employer. While you get out of your job and come back home to relax, her home itself is her workplace!!
Cut her some slack. If she says you shouldn't walk her home, there has to be some reason for it. Respect her wishes. Trust me, once she finds another place, you will be the first person she will invite home!
Hope this helps.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): OP here again. In reply to Aunty Susie's answer, my GF has mentioned that she has been looking for a place of her own checking the papers, online agents, etc and is hoping to move out next year. She said her Mother has offered to help her financialy as she has some money which has been left to her.
I don't see how this should stop her from allowing me to see her home though.
Thank you Aunt Honesty and Ciar for your thoughts too. Certainly things there which I have noted and will consider before taking any further steps.
Thanks.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 November 2011):
 Having come from a family that included a few alcoholic men (some of them violent) I can relate to your lady friend. We were very guarded and sensitive about our home life and we went to great lengths to conceal it. One of my cousins had difficulty making friends. Not only did she have to hide the inside of the house, but the outside as well (she woke up one morning to find her father passed out on the front lawn). She couldn't afford to risk someone popping by unannounced. One summer she came to visit us. When she returned home three weeks later, she had to clean up vomit, urine, dirty dishes, dirty clothes and other filth. She managed to fill 13 big green garbage bags with empty liquor bottles (she didn't take another vacation until after he had passed away years later). She was an only child and her mum had died some years earlier so she had to face this nightmare on her own. Another uncle was so bad my aunt would occasionally slip valium into his dinner just to have a night's peace. They don't even let US in their home. 'Eccentric' may be a euphemism or an understatement. The point is, your girl friend is probably harmless, but just very sensitive and embarrassed. In an age of Oprah, Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, reality tv shows, and tell-all blogs, it is difficult to understand that some people are just very, very private. Unfortunately, such people are often viewed with suspicion. I may be completely wrong here, but it doesn't sound to me like your friend is up to anything offside. One day she'll either invite you to walk her home or she'll move out on her own to a place she'd be happy to have you visit. Until then, if everything else is good and you have no other reason to question her character, leave it alone for now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): Hi - the OP here. Thanks for the quick response - much appreciated. I forgot to mention in my post that the old man does exist and it's not a young man or anything like that. That was my thought originaly but I have seen the old man come to our workplace to deliver something to my GF and also I walked past the house during the summer and saw him in the garden.
Thought I ought to add that in case some readers thought that she might be living with a younger man. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 Red flags are flying all over this. She is entitled to live her own life, but there is a reason that she does not want you near her home, something tells me that she is not being completely honest with you about her life and this old man. I don't actually know what to advise you to do, but something tells me she is hiding something pretty big, and she is leading two separate lives.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 How long does your GF intend on working for this gentleman? Is there a plan for the future? Because I honestly can't see you lasting with her, if this arrangement continues. If she is being honest, which she quite possibly is, I can understand her behaviour. But for you two to have an open, honest relationship, it is very difficult the way things are at present. Also, if you feel that you are unsure of how honest she is being with you, then it won't last just based on that. All the best.x
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