A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been with my gf for nearly 3 years, it's had it's ups and downs but we've got through them, between us we have 4 children, she has 3 girls I have one boy. The two youngest girls dad left when the youngest was born, and hasn't been around for nearly 5 years, but he contacted one my gf's friends and has started seeing the girls once a week, being introduced as 'mummy's friend' I've suspected things weren't right for a while, and have today found proof, she is sending and receiving dirty texts, intimate ones, to the girls father... Please can anyone give me some advice? Thanks
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male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (25 January 2013):
 Big move and well done!
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (25 January 2013):
You did the right thing, there's no doubt about it. There are few qualities worse in a spouse than being untrustworthy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, I confronted her yesterday, asked her what was going on with the girls dad, she asked what I meant, I said what's going on with him, she said nothing, so I told her to stop lying, she said she wasn't so I told her I'd read the messages, she said that she was just fucking with his head and that they meant nothing, she wanted to hurt him by messing with his head.I said that how is that messing with him, that he will come round Monday and be expecting to get a bit, she said that he wouldn't...well if I got them sort of messages from a woman id be expecting it as im sure most other people would be....so without a good enough reason I told her that it was over, she asked me for my keys and I left.She has been texting me since saying that she doesn't see it as cheating, and that it was just messing with his head. she asked if this was it, and I said what would you do if it was reversed, she said she'd kick off but still doesn't see it the way I do, she says that she cant see a way forward because I wouldn't be able to trust her anymore, which she's right.Ive always said to her that I don't do cheats, if she doesn't want to be with me then to just end it...Thanks to everyone that offered their advice, it was appreciated x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): Good Luck, you have made the right decision, my son is also autistic and I am raising him alone, I can only imagine that your sons wellbeing is just as important as yours and the attitude and environment of others would affect him and you greatly so to be around somebody who doesn’t have respect for you is too much of a risk to take on board. You seem to have taken on a lot of responsibility with her children and yours so in return you would have expected the greatest respect in return.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 January 2013):
 Good Luck OP... it's a hard thing to do.
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A
female
reader, marypoppin  +, writes (24 January 2013):
good luck sweetie
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (24 January 2013):
I cannot blame you. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (24 January 2013):
 Good luck honey
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (24 January 2013):
If you have a gf who is sending sexually explicit texts to another man, I would argue that you dont have a gf.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your advice she finishes work in a few hours, Im breaking it off then, just clearing my stuff out now :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): leave her to the guy who she deserves, because you could do far better than her. seriously.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): Mate I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. I have to agree with the other lads on here, if she's going to do that to you move on. Yeah its shite and its hard to do but its the right thing. No lad deserves to be treated like that. Just my Scouse opinion mate, either way I hope you're alright.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (23 January 2013):
You don`t deserve what has been happening. She has`nt been honest with you, and because of this, by confronting her, you still don`t know if she will be honest about everything with you. I dont think it matters what or what has not happened. You have found out what she is capable of. You will not be able to trust her again. Personally, I do not think she is worth fighting for. The rest of your life sounds a lot more promising WITHOUT her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): She is of no use she's playing you big time, its better you let her go, there are other women out there who would treasure you like a diamond.Move on with your life but confront her, I know it hurts but it's worth it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): I'm sorry, man, that this is happening, but this is a no brainer. If you lie down with pigs you're gonna get some poop on you. There are more than enough of these kind of amoral, unscrupulous women around these days. By supporting one of them you are not only screwing your future self, but you are doing a great disservice to the society by being an enabler to a social parasite and her illegitimate children.Let her bear the consequences of her own stupidity and move on with your life.
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female
reader, marypoppin +, writes (23 January 2013):
dump her. She has way too much baggage. Had she not sent the texts it would have been okay but she did send them and it shows she has no respect for you. Dump her. No point in remaining emotionally invested in her, if she doesn't extend the same courtesy and respect you give her. Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 January 2013):
Personally I would dump her; she's got too much baggage and I can't be with someone who I can't trust.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): I'd get my shit and walk. Guy disappears for five years and the minute he's back she starts this shit with him? He's technically part of her life forever OP, the one thing that must happen when someone cheats in this way is that person they were involved with has to be gone, you can never trust her with him again.
Confront her and maybe she'll deny it, maybe she'll promise never to do it again, maybe she'll break it to you that she still wants him or maybe she'll turn completely nasty and start to fuck shit up.
OP I'm always wary of people who talk about having ups and downs as one the main things they describe in a relationship '3 years and we've got through them' is the first thing you said. No relationship is perfect of course but here you again, another down. Another problem to work through again, sorry OP but to me ups and downs are not something I will keep putting up with, I have my limit decide whether you've reached yours, in my opinion this would be. This is going to take so damn long to rebuild trust and may not be possible at all while he's still around.
Time to add up all your ups and downs and look at the bigger picture here OP, can you really give her a pass on this one?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 January 2013):
 Yes. My advice is that this girl has a skewed view of what is proper.... has little or no concern for the wellbeing of her kids.... and has even LESS concern for YOU..... so.... the best you might decide to do is leave her to her own, sordid, devices... and get on with your life.... WITHOUT HER!!!!!!
Good luck....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): If you love her confront her head on, maybe she feels like she is lacking attention, even though that is not an excuse. Tell her how you feel honestly and lay out the law what you expect, what you want for you and her. If she lives with this and wants your love too then you will know. I'm sorry it's happened to you, me too! Hurts huh. If you love, her try to help her' if she doesn't love you you will know, then believe me that means there is someone out there your ment to be with. There really is......
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male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (23 January 2013):
 If it`s advice you want then ok. You have been far too nice and soft with her. Nice and soft is not her style. She likes shit and unreliable. Something to keep her on her toes, with a hint of risk (risk of letting her down). Leave her and get someone more normal. You took on 3 kids. No shame or anything wrong about that btw, but there`s a lot more out there that would have refused her excess weight. Leave her to the type of life she deserves. You are too good for her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe decision to not say to the girls 'this is your dad' was purely because we didn't know whether he would stick around, I knew from when he first made contact what he was after, he is Turkish and had a wife in Turkey while he was with my my gf.I told my gf I didn't trust him, but she said that she felt nothing but resentment for him due to him walking out on her. We were living together but my son is autistic and there were problems, as a result she told me she didn't want us living there anymore.When we were living there, she would take the girls out to meet him, since I left he comes round to the house. Even when she met him after he first made contact she didn't tell me, her daughter told me a few days later...I'm going to talk to her tomorrow, I don't think she will admit to doing anything else... I'm so hurt, and confused :'(Thank you for your replies and advice
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male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (23 January 2013):
 I have to agree with Kenny's answer, you need to confront her about the texts, see what she has to say and then decide your next move.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 January 2013):
the fact that she is willing to lie to her child and refer to the dad as "mummy's friend" is disconcerting and wrong.
That alone tells me she has a skewed sense of right and wrong.
If she is sexting with another person she is cheating on you.
She may not see it this way because she thinks it's ok to lie to her child too.
I'd question her ability to be an effective partner for you and stand in parent for your child. Is this the type of woman you want as a role model?
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (23 January 2013):
Hi
Yes, confront her, admit you have seen the texts and tell her you don't trust her.
She shouldn't be telling the girls their dad is a 'mummys friend' either,they should be told the truth.
All sounds a bit messy to me and you should consider ending this relationship
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (23 January 2013):
 So its obvious that there is something more going on here with your girlfriend and the father of the girls. She has not come clean and told you, you had to find out for yourself which is hard. Trust is one of the most important ingredients that hold a relationship together, and she has overstepped the trust boundries. What she has done is far more serious than putting a couple of kisses on the end of a text. She's been recieving and sending intimate sexual texts to someone who she has been intimate with in the past. Are these texts going to lead anywhere?, im sorry to say but more than likely the answer to this question is yes. I would get all this out in the open now, sooner rather than later, then decide after that what you want to do. But as i said earler, once trust has been broken its very hard for alot of people to carry on as normal.
Good luck
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