A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 1/2 years, we are living together. The issue i am having is we very rarely have sex anymore, i know you can get into a rut routine but we have not had sex for 3 months (Once in nearly 6 months).If i ask her or make a move she pushes my hand away or tells me im sex mad and if i dont like it to go and find someone else if i want sex all the time (which i dont, just more frequent than every 3 months).The only time she is interested is if she has been out drinking.Shes not interested in doing any foreplay or anything like that, if there is any its normally me who does it to her.I dont know what to do and it is causing arguements at home between us. It has got to the point where i dont even bother asking/making a move anymore as i know that the answer will be no.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): Yow she is tired of you or she had enough of you.Somtimes a man get tired of his girlfriend sometime too.Its vice versa
A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (19 April 2007):
 I guess I need to add to my answer. I am not orgasmic. I've never had one. I've tried things to help, but it never has. I can enjoy sex, but in the end there's no payoff. I'm wide awake and he wants to fall asleep. Feh.
I love my husband very much; we've been married 8 years and have known each other for 11. I don't want him to go somewhere else for sex. But it takes a lot to get me up for it, and frankly I'm just really tired. (We have 2 boys under the age of 4, I'm still breastfeeding (which messes with hormones), which doesn't help.) We went almost a year without sex after the birth of my second son, and though I was concerned for my husband, frankly I was relieved.
I don't like it when he comes onto me or starts the little things, because I'm afraid it's going to "lead him on." If I thought we could cuddle without it going all the way, I'd be happy to let him touch me more often. So when he'd start something, I'd stop him.
So he stopped touching me at all. And he stopped coming onto me, because he didn't want to be shot down all the time. (I didn't want to shoot him down, either.) But it was especially hard for me to come onto him, 'cause I really didn't want sex and was feeling used. He also stopped holding my hand or hugging me, which made everything worse.
One time I got a sitter for the boys and rented a motel as a surprise -- we went at it 3 times. Then he didn't come onto me for 7 months -- I figured it was his turn and refused to come onto him. We both had wounded pride.
So when I say to go to counseling and start talking about it, I know from experience that it's not necessarily that your relationship is over, but it WILL BE if you don't talk.
Now we try to have sex at least 1x/week, and if I'm not up for sex itself I at least try to relieve him some other way. We're working on it. Because I would much rather he help me with my sexual issues than to put that energy into another woman, and he loves me enough to want to work with me.
I hope this helps you -- I hadn't meant to reveal so much about me...
So here's how to come onto her, and how not to:
(1) DON'T assume that because you're in bed naked that it's playtime. Once she's taken off her clothes and headed to bed, she's planning to sleep.
(2) Try coming up behind her and putting your arms around her while she's doing the dishes. Kiss her neck. Say, "can we [insert your euphemism here] sometime this evening?" Help her with the dishes while you're at it (this allows her to get it into her head that playtime is coming and to get up for it.
(3) I still say a clean house is sexy. If she doesn't have the excuse for all the things she still has to get done, she'll be able to relax.
(4) DON'T come onto her when she's watching one of her programs. You'd be annoyed if she interrupted the football game (or whatever), right?
(5) Try to get her away from your flat. An overnighter someplace is always a way to get away from the stresses of your life and to get back into the saddle, so to speak.
(6) TALK ABOUT IT! Not talking almost ruined my marriage. Let her know how you feel. Remind her that although women need to feel loved to have sex, men need to have sex to feel loved.
Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (14 April 2007):
 I wish that clean house thing was as true as you say, I ALWAYS found time to help my ex with the housework, we would end up with a sparkling house, but she would just feel knackered and would not want to play.
Counselling may help, but it does sound like gilly may be right. I too have had a simililar experience and it rings alarm bells just reading that. You can only do so much for her, she has to do the rest; and if she is not willing...Well..you know what that means..Its a horrible thing to go through, my thoughts are with you..
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (14 April 2007):
Ask her to go to counseling with you, and find a counselor that specializes in sexual relationships. Getting her to talk to you about what's going on with her is the most important thing.
Also, I don't know whether any of the ladies will back me up here, but a clean house with the laundry all done is a real turn on. A mate who helps with the housework is letting himself in for a lot of "special" time. Women are great at multitasking, which makes it hard to think about sex when we're thinking of all the things we SHOULD be doing instead. Just a thought.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): sorry, its come to this in your relationship, but from what you`ve said, it seems your relationship is over as ive experienced the same thing with a friend of mine a few years back,she told me exactly how she pushes her hubbys hand away and any foreplay was a no no and told him to go find someone else to have sex with,the thought of him touching her made her feel sick,she knew it was over but she just wanted to hear it from someone else,i really am truly sorry that the answer wasnt more positive.
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A
male
reader, Poons +, writes (13 April 2007):
Thankyou for your reply.Everything else seems fine in our relationship.Its not that i want sex every day as i dont. Id be happy once a week.Just there doesnt seem to be any interest from my girlfriend.An excuse she has used is 'we dont have time', but i can count many times where there has been time.One example, i was doing some coursework and due for a break for a while, my g/f came and lay with me, i suggested, she spoke as though she was interested but as soon as i made a move, she backed off.If i try and talk to her i know she will just say to go and get it somewhere else if i want it and say that im sex mad.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (13 April 2007):
You need to tell her EXACTLY how you are feeling.
She may have a good reason for not wanting sex, but she should respect you enough to tell you, when it is obvious this is fast becoming an issue.
How are the other aspects of the relationship?
Be nice about it tho, dont make her feel like she is being backed into a corner about this, give her the opportunity to tell you in her own way.
This is'nt a healthy relationship if this is how she treats your feelings. Everyone has their own sex drives and maybe hers is'nt as much as yours but you both still need to find a balance.
Don't let this become a larger issue and do something about it now!!
All the best..
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