A
female
age
41-50,
*urtingWife82
writes:I'm 30 years old, married for little over a year and I'm really struggling in my relationship with my husband. To paint a bit of background: shortly after we got married (a few months) my husband suffered from his first manic/bipolar episode. During that time, he started having strong sexual urges towards other women (common symptom of bipolar called hypersexuality), which made him convinced he didn't love me anymore and wanted to divorce, because he clearly needed to be single. I managed to keep our marriage afloat, mainly because he would change his mind about this every five seconds. I learned this typical 'pushing away the one you love most and then pulling them back' is also very typical of the illness. Now, after having been medicated for 7 months+ he is starting to get more and more stable. He completely ignores the 'other woman' (unfortunately, they still work in the same office), always comes straight home to me or we go out together and he has expressed his deep remorse for having the affair. I should also mention that eventually it was him who chose to stay with me, rather than with her, purely because he realized he loves me. We don't have kids yet, so no other parties were involved in this decision. My OH is still affectionate (holding hands, kisses, regular sex), but I feel that now I'm the one struggling to get back into the relationship. I still love him dearly, but I can't seem to put the affair out of my mind. What's worse: I'm comparing the way he behaves with me with how he used to behave with the other woman. For instance, I know for a fact that the way he kissed the other woman was much more passionate than the way he kissed me (we French kiss, but only for a few seconds before he pulls away). How attracted he is to me also comes nowhere near how madly attracted he was to the other woman. Now I know that passion inevitably wanes in any relationship after a while. Other than husband and wife we have always considered ourselves to be great friends too, so maybe that has something to do with it. In any case, I think me and my husband have different expectations of how to rebuild our marriage. For him, it is easier to just 'pick up where we left off' before the affair and his bipolar episode and go back to the couple we used to be. But I constantly feel like I need more than that. If he was as passionate with the other woman as he was with me when we started dating, then I need to have that feeling again. I want to make out again, have wild passionate sex again. Otherwise, I feel as if the other woman gave him something that I, at that point in our marriage, could clearly not give him anymore. And I feel that by acting like this, he's confirming that one of the reasons he had the affair is because he was missing that passion, so went looking for it somewhere else. Does it not stand to reason then that if we can't get those feelings of passion back into our marriage that eventually he will go looking for it elsewhere again? I have to mention that before all this happened I was very happy with the level of passion/intimacy, but the affair has made me doubt everything.I have tried talking about it to him, but he feels we are on the right track and he's very happy with how the marriage is going post-affair. I think he still doesn't realize what a profound effect this affair has had not only on how I feel about our relationship or him, but about myself. I have suffered from low self-esteem for most of my adult life and even though I have worked hard on this, I feel that now I am back to square one, feeling ugly, unwanted and stupid. Many people will probably advise marital counceling, but unfortunately we currently live in a country where these things cost more money than we can afford. We are moving back to the UK for a fresh start in about 6-7 months (where they have cheap counceling services available), but what can I do in the meantime to get us closer together and keep myself from going under? After everything I have been through and fought for during the last year, I am losing all mental and emotional energy to keep fighting for our marriage and fighting my own demons at the same time. Help?
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (3 August 2012):
 I don't think you can force someone to feel something that they aren't feeling. However, I think you can try your best in rekindling the fire that the two of you have.
By being the lover that you want him to be: spontaneous and passionate you may be reignite the fires. I would encourage you to try and seduce your husband -- wear something sexy. Tell him how much you love him, give random acts of affection. By doing what you desire, you may in turn, get the same reaction back from him.
In addition, if finances permit, I would suggest going on a romantic vacation -- even if it is just to another town. Make it an adventure and try something new.
Secondly, his libido may be affected because of his medication. You may want to take to his doctor about it or do some research online. Many anti-bipolar drugs have this side effect.
Lastly, you are probably at a state in your marriage where, let's face it, sexually there isn't much new happening anymore. It happens to most couples where the passions for one another tend to fade a bit. This is to a large extent normal, so I wouldn't take it personally -- however, you can still take action in make your sex life action-filled.
In closing, I would also urge you to take stock of your marriage. Living with someone who is bi-polar can be a very dramatic experience. It also tends to be hereditary, which would mean that any children you have with him would be at risk of having the issue. Only you can determine whether this man is capable of being true, honest and father material to you and any children you have. Marriage and raising children are no easy tasks -- does being married to this man with this condition really want you want?
Good luck and best wishes
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2012): He has been suffering from a mental illness. This is very important in all this. The very things that are an issue to you are not to him because he was in the throws of an 'episode'. You do need councilling and sound advice on a way forward. I don't think the lay person is the right person to ask here because if his bi-polar it is on going - something that you will always have to deal with, then you will need help, support and advice from professionals. It is not bleak though, as many people cope with bi-polar and its issues with the right help.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (2 August 2012):
It is unfortunate that you’ve got a wait before you can return to the UK to access counselling services as this is really needed. However, you need to remember one simple fact: your husband chose you. In fact, he didn’t really choose anyone else. He was ill and didn’t have a proper grip on reality. He probably feels that because he didn’t know what he was doing, he didn’t intentionally betray you and so whilst he feels bad for what happened, he perhaps doesn’t realise how much it hurt at the time and how much it still does.
You really do need to work very hard at not comparing yourself to the other woman. Whatever you think about the differences between his sexual relationship with you and the sexual relationship with her, you’ve got to remember he has found his happiness with you. Sex is unique between each couple. His sex drive will have been much higher during the episode, so his encounters at that time with her may well have been wilder, but ultimately they were meaningless. With you, sex for him has significance beyond just satisfying an urge. It’s meaningful, it is bound up in his mind with his love for you, as it should be between husband and wife. It may be less wild and seem less passionate simply because his libido is lower because his mental state has stabilised and because of his medication. Indeed, even if you take the affair out of the equation, it’s very common for married couples to experience these kinds of concerns: often one or both parties feel that the spark is gone and sex is more routine and less exciting than it was at the start. This is nothing to do with the other woman. He’s not comparing you, you’ve not got to be like her, he loves you! What you really need to do is talk this over with him. How likely is it that you’re going to be able to start believing this because Aidan from Dearcupid said so? You’ll probably need his help to boost your confidence again. Let him understand the impact his affair had on you, and explain what reassurance you need from him. His telling you that you’re on the right track is his way of giving you reassurance, unless he understands the depth of your doubts and insecurities he’s not really going to say anymore than that. Of course he may become defensive and think you’re trying to bring the affair up again to criticise him, and that’s why it would be so much better if you could do this with a counsellor. However if you can get through to him that it’s not about making him pay, feel guilty or apologise, but just trying to explain the reasons for your feelings, he will be more responsive. Also, it’s a good idea when it comes to expectations about sex, to be communicating with each other about what you like and what you want, and really trying to compromise. But it’s the trust that’s the most important issue for you as a couple right now.
I wish you all the very best.
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