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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello everyone. I feel like my problem is a bit weird and I don't want to go to my friends or family with this, so I'm coming to you guys. Anyway, I'll be getting married this December. My fiance and I made the decision to wait until our wedding night to have sex for the first time. Recently, we've been doing a lot of talking about the wedding and honeymoon and he mentioned that he doesn't believe in any form of birth control. Which totally took me by surprise. In all the years we've been together, he's never mentioned anything like this. I definitely don't agree. I mean, of course I want to have his children one day, but I'm only 24 years old and I have no intention of getting married and pregnant in the same week. Usually, if we disagree on things, we'll talk about it and I'll get my way, of course, but this seems like a much more sensitive topic, you know? In fact, I don't even know how to approach the situation or start a conversation about it. I feel like issues this sensitive that deal with peoples morals and values can really end up being deal breakers in relationships. I mean, people have broken up for less. I've been weighing my options and we can either try to find some sort of compromise (which is really gonna be my way or his) or I get on birth control and not tell him (but I really hate being dishonest, especially about something of this magnitude). I really don't know what to do. Help, please?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (1 September 2010):
 Try to persuade him to use birth control if you can. If you leave pregnancy to chance, you may become pregnant too often. Before birth control many women had very big families, too big. Their bodies suffered from so many pregnancies and many women died before their time. Pregnancy is still not 100% safe, continuous pregnancies will put your health at risk.
You do have the option of using natural methods. They are not guaranteed like the condom, but they are better than nothing. Orthodox Jewish women and Catholic women use the rhythm/withdrawal method. The market has realised this, and now there are things you can buy to check your most fertile time and work out when sex will be safe.
Using the rhythm/withdrawal method is hard. You have to learn all about your body, know when your fertile, and he has to have a lot of control, because their are times when sex will not be safe.
Please look it up on the net. The catholic church has nurses who will teach you what to do. But their are also advice sites which explain all about your fertility and when it's safe for you to have sex if you want to prospone having children. With practice and good technique, you have a chance of having at least some control over when you get pregnant.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for you answers. Just to answer some of your questions, he and I have spent the better part of our relationship talking about a family. We just didn't quite get into dates and such. We both want to have a big family, I just don't want to get pregnant so soon. I'd like to get used to being a wife before becoming a mother. I'm not scared of what my family & friends would think about this situation and I don't think my not wanting to discuss this with them "real sign to the fear of being true to yourself and those conseqeuences in this relationship." I just don't want to disclose this information to them before I've had a proper chance to address it with my fiance first. I just really wanted some outside advice too. Um, I think I addressed all your questions. :)
I did take everything you all said into consideration and I talked to him about, so I can get a better understanding of where he's coming from. Basically, he just assumed that because we were both Catholics and had made the decision to wait until we get married to have sex, that we also shared the same view point on birth control. Clearly we should have talked about this at an earlier stage in our relationship, but we didn't. We pretty much spent a whole day in my apartment talking about this. He understands where I'm coming from and although we haven't decided on what we're going to do, we are definitely going to go ahead with the wedding.
Thank you all, once again, for all your help. I appreciate it!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 All I can say is for you not to get married until this is settled. If you have to pospone the wedding because you are still discussing this, then so be it. Just don't tie the knot. Whew! Be glad he didn't spring this on you on your wedding night! However did you get to this point WITHOUT discussing kids?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): i dont normally advocate dishonesty but surely something has to be done. are you prepared to be pregnant everytime he sticks his penis in you. he is going to erode your love for him if he continues with this backward thinking. either he compromises or you start with contraception on the sly. if you do plse dont get the tablets. get the injection instead, it is safe for 2 - 3months, depending on what shot you take. because he has taken the choice away from you , you will resent him . dont. just be proactive. i hate giving this "dishonest" advice.
-LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): You didn't give us the reasons he said he doesn't believe in them.
It would be a lot easier to refute his 'beliefs' if you told us why he feels this way.
Others seem to think it's a matter of religion because that's the only logical conclusion even if it is still a wholly illogical reason but it could be any number of things.
Does he want children now? Does he want a big family and that's why he wants to start now?
There are a lot of issues here and it's more than contraception, the real question here is if he wants kids or not and whether he wants them now.
The only valid reason not to use contraception is if you BOTH want kids and you BOTH want them now. Religion in my mind is not a good reason but perhaps to him it is and while his beliefs have to be respected, so do yours. You'll be the one who has to bear a child for 9 months should you get pregnant and you said yourself you're not ready for children.
Let us know his reasons anyway so we can better understand his position.
Frankly you have to keep talking and reach a compromise.
If he won't budge on his stance and it is for religious reasons then you'll either have to give in and just accept that you're going to get pregnant soon or you can abstain from sex or restrict it greatly to the times when you're least likely to get pregnant.
You need to discuss the issue of children with him though, they're the big issue here.
If he won't compromise on the issue of contraception and you won't compromise on the issue of kids then it means no sex.
I'll put it simply OP if he gets you pregnant for something you really disagree with, when you really don't want kids right now then it will break you and you will resent him deeply for it. Your life will be changed completely you'll lose a lot of what you built all because he doesn't 'believe' in contraception.
You have to figure out whether he's trying to force you to have his child or whether he just has some illogical belief that contraception is bad.
If I were in your position and it was my body he wished to impregnate or was willing to risk insemination because he wouldn't use contraception I would say no. Don't take contraception behind his back respect his beliefs just don't give him sex either, because it's too risky.
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A
male
reader, xtatic_kid +, writes (29 August 2010):
I'm guessing you guys are catholics since its prohibited in the religion.
Perhaps your husband would agree to the rhythm method, where you work out the days you are fertile in your menstrual cycle and infertile, so that you only have sex on the infertile days...this is a common method used by catholic's as it's is not a barrier method ...and only has a failure rate of 9 %
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calendar-based_contraceptive_methods
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): Your boyfriend has no right to dictate whether or not you use birth control. This is entirely up to you; your body, your choice. You must not let him bully or co-erce you into doing something you do not want to, and this can include having children if he does not want to use protection.
Perhaps he doesn't want to use a condom. That is his choice. However, this doesn't mean that you can't use an alternative method. You don't need his permission to do so either; you are young, you have your life ahead of you and if you don't want children now then that is absolutely fine.
One method he might suggest is the pull-out method. Please don't be fooled by this. My ex's mum, who was Catholic, told me she used the pull out method and had sex when she was least fertile during her cycle. Guess what? My ex was the youngest of 5 kids who were born in 6 years years.
You need to tell him how you feel. In my opinion this IS well worth breaking up over if you cannot agree; it is a massive life changing choice to have a child and that should not be forced on you by anyone, not even your husband. If he cannot understand where you are coming from, and how you feel about the issue, then he is not the man for you. It's your RIGHT to use contraception, and he cannot take that away from you. Regardless of the proximity of the wedding, you have to talk this through and reach a mutually agreeable decision. Just sit him down and tell him you want to talk about it as you were a bit surprised when he told you he was against birth control. That's fine, you don't need to do any more than that.
There are lots of methods you can use, the coil, implant, pills. He doesn't have to be involved in any of those. My OH is a gynaecologist and he always recommends the Mirena coil, although I am happy with the pill myself. You can talk to your dr about the best options for you.
I don't recommend you use birth control secretly as that is not healthy for the relationship. You definitely need to talk this one out as it really is a big deal, and it needs resolving not sweeping under the carpet. It's a big issue.
Don't let him push you into something you are not happy with, never mind the wedding or how much you love him. This is a very important issue. Sit him down asap and come to a decision one way or another. The sooner you do it the better as the closer the marriage gets the harder it will be. Please post back and let us know how you get on.
Remember, it's YOUR body.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (29 August 2010):
 I'm stunned he didn't mention this earlier. Something so extreme!
Contraception is one of the fundamental rights of women in the 21st century, probably THE fundamental right. If you look around the world you can see what I mean.
Where there is contraception women have jobs, money, education, political influence, power, and the ability to choose when they have children, and bow many they have. In other words they get to dictate their own lives.
By contrast, in the very poor countries where women don't have access to contraception, they lack all of the above: consigned to endlessly pump out children from an early age, with the corresponding effect on their health and life expectancy. As well as stripping away any opportunity for them to do anything else with their lives: raising 8+ children at once leaves no time for anything else.
A lot is made about how women have finally acquired some rights and freedom, after thousands of years of male dominance. This is historically true, and contraception is the single biggest cause.
I have to say your husbands views belong in the 19th century, not the 21st.
Ask yourself a question. Do you want to spend the rest of your life pumping out a child a year until you hit menopause? You've maybe seen some article about a woman with 15+ kids and wondered how it happened? Well, this is how it happened: married young and never used contraception. Do you want to be that woman? Because now is your chance. If you don't put your foot down then that's your future.
The answer to your dilemma is straightforward. You tell you husband that you are using contraception, that it's your right as a woman, and he has no choice in that matter. Case closed.
If he refuses, message me I'll come round and talk to him about the history of the repression of women until he can't take it any longer and relents just to shut me up!
But seriously. This is not a discussion or debate with him. This is YOU deciding what YOU want to do for YOURSELF. All you need to do is inform him of what you are doing.
I recommend you get an IUD type contraception. This is great for in a relationship, and since it's implanted there's no external factors (such as pills laying around) that could trigger your husband.
Best regards and stay strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): People with this conception don't usually conceive having sex for pleasure, but to bear kids. Does he want about 15 kids, one each year? In this case you will have sex very often, otherwise he will leave you all forgotten and neglected in a corner. Forget marriage. If such important news resurface by accident so late, you really don't know each other at all. You have a lot to learn about people yet.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (29 August 2010):
 Keep talking and be honest.
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