A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Been with my partner for 5 years things have been great and have not really had any issues with jealousy until now, my gf is constantly talking/hanging out with this male school friend of hers from high school who does fancy her and is single (she herself as told me this) The problem is I am getting more and more paranoid about her and him even though she has give me no reason to distrust her, she sees him for around 2 hours or so most days when im at work, if i am off work she does not see himHe does not go around the house thats one thing im certain they walk around the shopping center or park but I am driving myself mad and seem to be worrying myself all the time, when she gets a text message my heart sinks, she says he is like a best friend to her and nothing more, I have never been like this before an it is starting to cause arguments because I keep making sarcastic comments about her and him, he even texts at 2am asking if shes awakeIt's destroying me inside and I know I should not distrust somebody who does not act suscpicious if you think im in the wrong to be worried where can i get counselling for these types of issues before i destroy myselfI have tried to talk to her about it but she just says he is a friend thats it, a friend who hopes to get something is not a friend though? help!
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (21 March 2012):
 I am going to give you the same Spiel that I would give if a female had written this post - BE WARY. Very wary at that. It's always a red flag to me when your partner KNOWS how much this arrangement is bothering you and she is continuing it regardless. You've told her this is causing you stress, that it's making you paranoid and insecure. Is she doing anything to make the situation better? No. And THAT is real problem.
Sorry, I too don't buy the fact that they're just friends. I am not saying she is cheating on you, but I also wouldn't be surprised if she was cheating on you physically or emotionally. Chances are, she is enjoying the fact that this guy is interested in her and she wants it to continue. Why? Because having someone crush on you is a great ego boost. Women do love attention and they want to know they're desired. The problem with this arrangement is that it can end up in some type of affair.
In either case, I don't think it's normal for a woman in a relationship to:
1. Spend 2 hours "most days" of the week with a man, who is openly interested in her. Hell, I don't even spend that much time with my best friend and she is a woman!
2. Constant texting including those 2:00 A.M. texts.
He is pursuing her, be very clear of that. He has no respect for you or your relationship with her. He will continue to do whatever is in HIS best interest. Your GIRLFRIEND on the other hand is in a relationship and she is allowing him to pursue her. Don't think for a second that she sees him as "just a friend". No, she likes the attention and who knows where she will allow it to go.
If I were you, I would strongly recommend that you to put your foot down. They should not be spending this much time together, if any at all, because he has feelings for her. Feelings don't disappear when he is constantly seeing his love interest. It's only going to grow and she may very well develop some feelings of her own. If spending time with him is so important, then let her be with him. If she values his company that much, knowing how it makes you feel, I am afraid she is not the woman for you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): Hey I am the OP thank you for the responses so far, I put 100% into this relationship my work is stressful for me but it in no way impacts my relationship so it is not that, she became such good friends when he found her on Facebook (it has alot to answer for).
I do not know how to deal with it I have voiced my concerns too many times but I end up feeling guilty because she says she just gets on with him as a friend and i am being pathetic as as far as she concerned to keep getting angry about it, apprantly he can want what he wants but he will not get anywhere.
I would be a bit calmer about it but he will not stop texting and she always replies I seem to have to wait for her to text back and she texts him things like xxxxxxx with no words but again thats what she does with friends she says, anything i bring up shes doing it in a friendly way but i dont see it as that, it is very diffifcult to argue with her because she just shuts down and will do and say what she wants is the response i get.....
just to add she always says she would never hurt me but refuses to even compromise with me about him I feel there should be limits but she will not set them for me even though she knows what she is doing to me =/
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): I would trust her but ask her to be a bit more thoughtful of your feelings. Of course you are going to be a bit worried if your partner has a close friendship with someone, if you feel it threatens your relationship. Try not seem to be clipping her wings, she will not welcome that. So tread carefully. A few well chosen words about feeling uncomfortable with the situation, but trust her till you have cause not to. But don't give ultimatums unless you want to lose her. Once this guy realises that nothing is going to happen he will back off.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (20 March 2012):
 Sorry about the "br's" in my posting, I'm on a public computer and it didn't work as intended! :-)
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (20 March 2012):
It is going to be difficult to give advice that won't make you more paranoid or suspicious, but so be it.br
brFor each kind of relationship there is acceptable and unacceptable behavior by your partner. When you first begin dating someone there may be close friends of the opposite sex, brief summer romances that still hang around, the casual stalker. But, because you are the new one in the scene, you aren't really in any position to demand those relationships cease immediately.br
brWhen you are married you don't (hopefully) have any such things to worry about. On the other hand, it would not be acceptable for your wife to have a best guy friend she spends a lot of alone time with. Perhaps if he was gay that would be an exception to the rule. But if the friend was a guy, and especially if he was interested in your wife, it would not be acceptable for them to spend a lot of alone time together.br
brYou are in neither of these stages. You are in a committed and long term relationship. I applaud your attempt to remain trusting, but I also fear that you are not being realistic enough about the situation. At the least, you should directly express to her how uncomfortable you are with what is happening. It is not okay for one partner to engage in behavior that makes the other partner experience such strong negative feelings.br
brOne thing I am concerned about that I would ask for you to clarify is how they came to meet and become such close friends in the midst of the two of you living together (is that correct?) and I assume routinely talking about what is going on in each other's lives. It would seem to me that there must have been something lacking in your GF's life that she is having fulfilled by her friendship with this man. Please don't assume that is in any way sexual, it could be shopping for all we know.br
brHave you been working a lot? Emotionally or physically unavailable for some reason?br
brThe reason I ask is that if you two have a solid and fulfilling relationship there really wouldn't be a need or opportunity for the sudden development of a close friendship with a single guy.br
brIn general, it is not appropriate for her to have formed this close of a friendship, in my opinion. Taking into account that he is single, and that he is interested in her, it is at the least disrespectful and/or a complete lack of concern for your feelings that she is displaying.br
brDo you have any women that you are close with that would be a similar relationship? And on the other hand, do you have any women that you are just friends with that you could go get coffee with to discuss what is happening? It wouldn't hurt for your GF to know you are going to get coffee either. ;-)br
brFive years is a long time to be in a relationship. It is inevitable that some things will get stale or rote. That being said, you need to be very careful how much leniency you give for her to make a mistake. Boundaries are a natural and necessary part to a relationship, no matter what stage it is in. Take some steps to protect your own heart now before it is too late.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 March 2012):
I think you should talk to her again about this and tell her that though you trust her, you do not trust him. Also it is not fair of her to keep this 'friendship' going with this guy when he himself stated he fancied her. It's like dangling a carrot in front of a mule and holding a stick behind it. A successful friendship can only happen between two people who both want the same thing. This guy does not want that. He wants something more and maybe he'll make a move one day, like kissing her out of the blue. Ask her what she'll do when that happens.
Now when you talk to her about this, do not accuse her, but simply state the reasons why it's been bothering you.
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