A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok so my boyfriend and i just moved in together and on the second night i come home and he's standing there naked and wanted to have sex. I really not the kind of person who has sex with a person that fast(we've only known each other six months) and i was so affraid of turning him down and him leaving me so we had sex together. But it was really rough and i get bruised really easily and when i woke up the next morrning i was covered in bruises. so i expressed my interest of not having sex for a while and he looked ok with that. Then the next night when we sat down to watch TV he was saying how great i was in bed and we started kissing but i guess he took that the wrong way and he tried to take my shirt off. And then i pushed away and he was really disapointed. So my questions are. 1. do you think he's using me? 2. Is there a percausion we can take so that i wont get hurt.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): sorry but most guys expect sex after 6 months and also moving in together - you both have HUGE communication issues to deal with - expectations, expressions of feelings and sensitivity towards each other. you have to understand him (you currently don't) and he has to understand you (he clearly doesn't) from there you can (hopefully) move forward. best
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): Bailey i think i might know were your comming from based on your other posts. I think you tought that your boyfriend would be content with the commitment you just made. But i quess sharing a roof, bed , and living space wasnt enough for him. I also am going out on limb here and saying that you've never had sex with anyone before and you dont want to look weak infront of him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): After reading your post a couple of red flags jump out at me.
You ususally don't have sex so early in a relationship, 6 months, but you moved in with this guy not speaking to him first about your boundaries.
You are afraid to tell him no to sex, and you let him be too rough with you in bed without stopping him and slowing him down right then.
You are afraid he will leave you if you don't have sex with him.
You are not comfortable with him sexually and when he tries to initiate sex you pushed him away without an explanation, which dissappointed him and hurt him.
You don't trust him and you think he may be using you.
These are all pretty big issues that only you as a couple can work out, but you as an indivisual would be making a mistake to move in with a guy so soon without any sort of a commitment and not expect him not to use you for sex.
You have had sex before you moved in, correct? He has to think that you have a relationship that includes sex.
Living together before you are ready and have a commitment to eachother as in forever after, is merely "playing house" and you will soon be falling into a pattern of dysfunciton if you don't move out and live seperately and learn more about each other first.....if you want this relationship to last then get a place of your own. It is that simple, and take things as slow as you feel comfortable with and tell him not to be so rough! That is what you use for protection against getting bruised up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): Okay, the second issue first, if he is too rough for your liking you have every right to tell him to stop, bruised or not. If he does not respect this leave now, not later, don't try to work through it, leave now.
And the first issue, yes, seems crazy that you would move in with someone without having been intimate or at least had the discussion of expectations. Six months does seem like a long time for not having had sex in a relationship, but that is completely your choice and there is nothing wrong with that either, just make sure you communicate your expectations and desires because it does not sound like the two of you are on the same page. If you want to go slower that is perfectly normal and fine, just be vocal on your wishes and if he cannot respect those, same as above, leave now as it will get worse.
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A
male
reader, Horne +, writes (16 January 2009):
There are.. call them fetishes for those who like and engage in rough sex. Could be your guy is one of that mindset whether he realizes there's a lifestyle built around it or not. That doesn't mean you have to accept it or be part of it. Generally folks who do, have opposing types of need when it comes to sex, meaning both want it or some form of it.
That may not be his deal at all, but being "really rough", not being concerned about the bruising, wanting it again... well, I think I'd be talking to him about his sexual likes and dislikes. After all, you moved in with him. As one of the other posters noted, generally living together sort of assumes there's some sexual contact involved. You know, you don't have to have sex to talk about it. That might be a good idea before moving in with someone as I think most are going to make the assumption that sex is going to be part of a live in arrangement... and sex should never occur because of an assumption. I can't imagine you actually moving in with him and the topic NOT coming up at some point.
I'm not defending him or the actions, just saying, you have a voice here. It's time to use it. Some people like that kind of treatment sexually. For others, it's a complete turn off. Others never even consider it. I think you need to be talking to your guy. I think you need to make it plain to him that it doesn't float your boat to be covered with bruises and sore after wards.
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A
female
reader, ashleyriley +, writes (16 January 2009):
 Did you move in with this guy before having sex with him first? Idon't think he's usig you at all. If he was using you, he wouldn't have moved in with you. When a guy uses a girl for sex he either A. makes you his booty call (whch means he only alls you when he wants sex) or B. After you slet with him, he doesn't call you anymore. This guy moved in with you, which usually means he really likes you. If you're not comfortable enough talkingto him about your feelings, then you shouldn't have moved in together yet. The worst thing you can do is not communicate with each other. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship. Tell him how you feel about sex. f he leaves you, then thats his loss. You need to tell him that you like to make love, not fuck. That means, you want tohave passionate soft sex, instead of rough sex. Then, take him tothe bedroom and show him what you like. Believe me...this will bring you guys closer together. If youkeep denying him sex without an explaination, that might cause him to leave you. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. If you don't show him how you like it, how do you expect him to figure it out. Believe me....men are not mind readers! The more you enjoy the sex ewith him, the more you'll want to have sex. So, he'll try his best to please you. Just make sure to always use some kind of protection. Be safe. Hope this helped you.
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A
female
reader, aunty_rach  +, writes (16 January 2009):
why did you move in with him if you have not got a close sexual relationship? you shouldn't of rushed into moving in together, as you both obviously have different ideas of what living together means.
fair enough it is not right that he should be rough with you, he needs to know that he needs to be gentle and can not expect sex all the time. but then 6 months is not like a couple of weeks. most couples have sex within the first few months. so don't panic, 6 months is actually a long time to not of had sex with eachother. i think you need to question why you moved in with him and what you were expecting?
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A
male
reader, Sirus  +, writes (16 January 2009):
Hey you. It would've been clearer if you included some hints about how he was acting for the past six months and if he tried to force you into somethings you didn't feel comfortable with.
But I have the feeling that your just afraid of the rough sex you two had for the first time, maybe he was burning for you and that's why it went that way. He is just a horny guy in my opinion, but take my advice and don't feed him whenever he feels like it, discipline his needs;)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 January 2009):
 You moved in with him and didn't think that he would assume that meant having sex? Did you tell him ahead of time that you were not ready for sex so soon into your relationship? Why even move in together? I mean when a boyfriend/girlfriend move in together sex is usually part of the territory. As far as the rough sex, tell him to tone it down a bit. After seeing your bruises he should be more than willing to do so.
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