A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 25 and have never had a girlfriend. I've never dated and have never really kissed anyone either. (Ok...maybe one or two kisses in my past after having a few drinks at the bar. That's neither here nor there though.) I have a college degree. I'm currently in the military but will soon be getting out in a few months. I'm told that I'm pretty good looking. About a thin to average build. I have a good group of friends which even includes a few women I work with. I have a few hobbies to keep me busy and am always looking for something new to do. I even have a good sense of humor. Overall I'd say that I'm a pretty genuine kind of person. (I'd say nice but that has some kind of evil connotation nowadays for some reason.)I'm all these things and I've still yet to find someone for myself. This leads me to ask myself the question...What's wrong with me then? Women just don't seem to be interested in me. Being in the military you have many chances at fresh starts due to moving around. I get all optimistic about the possibilities for these fresh starts, and things really do change when you move somewhere new, but inevitably I end up in the same old situation in which I originally left...lonely and wondering what's wrong with myself. If the places and the people change then it must truly have something to do with me. Here's a few things I've thought about:1. InexperienceMost people learn to flirt, kiss, date, and interact in a way which leads to be more than friends with the opposite sex long before their mid 20's. I feel like I'm pretty far behind the curve and have missed some important life events that should have happened long ago. I don't like to broadcast my inexperience to everyone, but it's like women can smell it a mile away. Believe me, if everyone else thinks that inexperience is weird at my age try to imagine how I feel about it. Kind of depressing.2. Quietness/shynessI'm not completely quiet or shy but I have my moments. I'm not really the "center of attention" kind of person and have never really desired to be that way. I do get out though and have fun with friends. I may not be the life of the party but you'll usually see me there.3. ConfidenceNot that I don't have it, just not with women. I'm confident when it comes to all kinds of other aspects of my life. I think a lot of it stems from #1: lack of experience. Sounds like a vicious circle.4. Excitement/InterestWhile overall I've gone a lot of places around the world and done a lot of things even I have to admit my everyday life can be dull at times. Sometimes I wish my daily life were a bit more interesting and sometimes I'm thankful for the quiet time to relax and do whatever.Pretty much all my friends and relatives my age are either in long term relationships or already married. Just found out the other day that yet another relative my age is soon to be getting married. So here I am, still single, lonely, and wanting to find someone so badly it hurts. It seems so easy for everyone else. This is all I can seem to think of lately.I'm tired of hearing the usual comments. "Stop looking and you'll find someone." Don't really see how not looking is going to find me someone. "There's someone out there for everyone" Is there? "Relationships aren't all that they are cracked up to be and have their own problems" You don't think that I know this? All friendships have problems and require work. You don't think I fight with friends from time to time? I find this last comment a little belittling. It always seems to come from someone who has a relationship with someone who they find special.Getting out of the military soon I find myself quickly approaching another one of those life changing fresh starts asking myself what I have to change so I don't end up exactly how I'm feeling right now five years down the line. Anyone have any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): You sound like you have a pretty good handle on the situation. You understand the things that are holding you back from finding someone, so now you have to make a conscious effort to go out of your comfort zone.
Maybe you should join an internet dating site, start talking with women and build up your confidence. You can also go to mixers and stuff to just get experience at going on dates.
Practice flirting with female co-workers, friends, super market cashiers etc...(appropriately of course)and see where that takes you. You just need to practice in small ways to build up your confidence with women, because that is a very important factor. We're not necessarily looking for someone with a ton of experience, but we want someone who is confident.
The whole idea about a fresh start is that you put yourself out there. If you move somewhere new and don't get involved in anything you can go unnoticed. It's never too late to start doing interesting things either, so that you have ice-breakers. Who knows, you might meet someone while you're out there building yourself.
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