A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right, so some backstory, through most of my years in middle and high school I was mocked daily for being ugly. I never felt comfortable in my own skin and hated myself. It took a very long time to learn to draw confidence from within, and although I'm more secure in myself and who I am now I still struggle with insecurity. I also used to have severe social anxiety, and to this day it still flares up from time to time. Most often, being looked at or stared at by a stranger (especially men I don't know) triggers it and makes me feel nervous and very uncomfortable. From that moment on my guard is up, I hate this feeling and have to face it very often. I don't consider myself especially pretty, I think I'm average looks-wise honestly, but for some reason I seem to attract a lot of attention from men, which I generally perceive as the negative kind because not only will they stare, but some will follow me around a store or down the street. At work some men will call me "babe" or "precious thing" in that condescending way. Men like this make me feel as though they think I only have one thing to offer, and in the vast majority of my experiences with straight men, it does often come down to sex and how soon they can get it from me. Just once, I'd like to be spoken to like a human being, not stared down like a piece of meat. I don't dress provocatively and walk with confidence, yet I attract creeps and assholes. I don't talk about this or how uncomfortable it makes me to anyone because I'm afraid of being thought of as self-centered, when that's the last thing I'm trying to do. I just want advice on how to deal with this, because honestly, getting any kind of male attention usually makes me uncomfortable. Is there something I can do to get over that? Is there a way to get creeps to back the hell off, and is there some secret to attracting a nice respectful man I don't know about?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBoth of you, thanks so much for your answers. Odds, what you said about keeping a nice guy interested makes so much sense. I've was wondering why it was difficult to catch their interest and keep it, but looking back, I now realize I just wasn't being forward enough. I always felt like showing more interest would come off as desperate or weird and I've been told I can be hard to read at times so that probably doesn't help, but I guess I wasn't showing enough interest to let them know the feeling was mutual. Thanks again!
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (9 May 2011):
 Assuming you're just average looking, you're probably just really approachable. Some girls just have a vibe, a way of dressing or carrying themselves, that makes it seem like they'd be easy to talk to or flirt with.
Unless you live in the deep south, names like "precious thing" are a bit weird. So's following you, no matter where it is. If it's that kind of behavior, they're creeps, and the best way to deal with them is to go somewhere with at least one other person. By their very nature, creepy people don't catch social cues, so you just have to avoid them or move in a group.
If it's *all* or *most* male attention that gets to you, you need to go and experience some positive male attention. Get together with some friends, go to church, start taking martial arts, or otherwise find an activity where the guys will be mostly vetted already - at least moreso than in the streets. You're not trying to get anythign out of these except some male attention in a controlled environment so you can acclimate to it. Be wary of labelling men in these situations as "creepy" too quickly, as compared to the streets. Some people are perfectly decent and just have social difficulties (like yours). This includes respectful guys.
Now, I'm convinced decent and respectful men outnumber the creeps by a huge margin, but which group do you think is more likely to make an approach? You'll have to take charge. If you can't bring yourself to approach a nice-seeming guy, get your friends to do it for you. Going through a proxy is less effective (Men will think, "Why doesn't she come here herself?"), but it's better than nothing.
Once you meet a respectful guy, be patient with him. If you tell a respectful guy you're uncomfortable, or you leave him alone without a good reason, he'll assume you aren't interested - and he'll respect that. Force yourself to show him that you like him, or he'll assume you don't and leave. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Gherkinsaregrim  +, writes (8 May 2011):
I'm not surprised those guys that are giving you attention creep you out, they sound REALLY creepy!
Some creepy men have this horrible intuitive sense where they can reel wether your shy or not, predatory sort of men, who follow people and other out of order stuff.
Society is so over the top about looks, it can take a long time to really feel this but it IS whats inside that counts.
If your paranoid about why these men are staring it will show, smile when your walking around and remember good posture as that makes people appear confident.
You have every right to feel awkward around those guys, when a nice one comes along in sure you will feel totally different
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