A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So there is this guy i met 1 1/2 yr ago. He was a coworker and we slept together. I thought he really liked me. It turned out to be a one night stand and he left me hanging agonizing over him. I spent a yr wishing he would contact me. He got transferred to a differnt location so i never saw him. We lost contact. I did get his # once and tried to text him but he never responded. He made it very clear he did not want to persue any type of relationship or friendship for that matter. So even though i still pined over him i let it go and moved on in life. Then the other day a mutual friend said they were talking to him and he was asking about me. He told this friend to give me his new cell# and told him to tell me to call him if i wanted. I took the # but let a couple days go by and finally texted him. I asked why all of a sudden he wanted to talk and kind of gave him crap for everything he did to me. He apologized and then we just started catching up. He wants to meet for coffee. I dont know what to do. I know i'm still hooked on this guy and always said if we talked again it would be on my terms. How do i make sure i do keep it on my terms. I want him to want me so bad but play hard to get. Maybe there's a chance i can make our one night stand more of a relationship or friendship situation. How can i make sure i dont just fall back into his bed and get left hanging again? I want to keep things on my terms no matter the result.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): You need to abandon any hope or expectation of "making" him want you or that you can ensure a relationship or friendship develops. Any relationship or friendship comes about because both parties come together willingly, and not from one person's manipulations (despite what countless hollywood movies suggest).
To keep things on your terms, you need to have realistic terms. You can't control how he's going to feel about you or how much he's going to want you or like you. you can only control your own thoughts and how you perceive the situation and outcome and manage your own feelings.
If you think you can't handle being rejected by him, then don't meet with him. If you can handle a potential rejection from him, then by all means meet with him and see what happens and how the interaction goes. Know your current limits and stay within them, that's how you keep things on your terms.
A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (18 August 2011):
 You say you have moved on keep it at that. He did it once he's going to do it again. Since it was a mutual friend why didn't he ask for your number? Even though he has apologized I wouldn't buy it. Don't give him your own terms to follow. Instead look or wait for a decent guy who wouldn't stress you and would respect you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): "I dont know what to do. I know i'm still hooked on this guy and always said if we talked again it would be on my terms."
Don't see him.
You are infatuated with someone who treated you as a throw away.
Really, find someone who really likes you.
Find a counselor so you can come to grips with why you are infatuated with someone who treated you this way.
Prior poster is right, there is nothing you can do, nothing, that will give you control over him. The ONLY person you can control is you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 August 2011):
You won't get what you want. For two reasons:
1 - You want things entirely on your terms. Impossible. There has to be come give and take. A relationship cannot be built entirely on person's terms.
2 - He didn't care before. He won't now. It's most likely that he feels you've forgiven him and that he can use you again.
To be honest, I think this will end in disaster for you. Why go back to someone who treated you like this in the first place? You're the one here who will get hurt, not him. He won't suddenly change, and he won't do things on your terms even if he says he will.
Please learn from your initial experience with him - he hurt you once, he will do it again. Don't think you can control someone like this, because you can't.
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