A
female
age
41-50,
*houghtful09
writes:HiI have a strange problem. I have been married for a year and I still cannot love my husband. To be honest, I was never in love with my husband...even before I decided to marry him. We didn't get a chance to date much but he seemed like a nice, gentle and a kind man and I thought that I would be eventually able to fall in love with him. I come from a conservative community (where women are usually married off at a relatively early age) and my folks were worried and wanted me to get married. Hence this decision, even though I was not supremely convinced about this guy and had this strange feeling that things are just not right. However I couldn't nail down what my exact problem about him was.And yes, I was quite right about my strange feeling. Though he is still nice and kind, but we don't have a chemistry. So whenever I am with him, it becomes very uncomfortable and stifling. He is nice but he is NOT the man that I have thought about- he is very nervous, incredibly passive, an escapist, confused and remains overwhelmed about everything! He also has anxiety and depression problems and that makes this worse.I am very giving and a compassionate person but I still cannot stand my husband.I am contemplating divorce as I want to see myself as a spouse and not a mentor. And the thought that I may have to keep boosting his motivation levels and help him feel less anxious all the time, scares me. What should I do?MOD NOTE: ORIGINAL POSTERS TITLE
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female
reader, thoughtful09 +, writes (18 February 2010):
thoughtful09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, Katy! That was reassuring :-) I feel the same way too...but it is always nice to talk to people who can look at the situation more objectively. Thanks!
A
female
reader, _Katy_Did_ +, writes (18 February 2010):
 The first mistake was marrying him before you loved him. If he is really not the one you see yourself with for the rest of your life, you need to make yourself happy and move on. You should never marry because other people want you to. Don't live in an unhappy marriage. It will make you miserable. Find someone you can't wait to see everyday. Someone that you can laugh with and have stupid inside jokes with. Or at least someone you find yourself attracted to. He doesn't sound like a terrible guy, but if you don't love him, you're going to have a lot of trouble caring about his problems and anxieties. Neither of you deserve to be in an unloving marriage. Just remember THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Don't live that way. You're still young. You have plenty of time to find someone you really love.
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