A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm gender dysmorphic I guess I just think I tick more feminine boxes.I'm 29, 6 foot 1, wide shouldered, deep voiced. People assume I am hard and it's a facade I've become very good at faking. I'm soft as shit and I feel bad when I squash a snail in the rain. I love to cry at movies and talk about my feelings. I empathise with people I meet and like to try and help them physically and emotionally. Guy shopping is the most boring thing on earth but shopping for women's clothes and makeup I love. I'm far more effeminate than I show. I'd love to mince around but I feel ridiculous and ashamed of what I am.I've never looked in the mirror and felt disgust. I don't recall feeling like I'd like to be female full time prior to the last few months but it was been a long standing sexual fantasy. I left my girlfriend of more than 6 years on the 8th of April mostly because she didn't want children. Since then I've done a bunch of soul searching. I've dressed in private on and off for years but my ex didn't really go for it so I guess I repressed it. I mostly think about men when I am aroused, but I can't imagine myself long term with a man. The men I feel sexually attracted to generally have to be far more attractive for me to swoon over them than the equivalent women I think you'd say. I fancy less of the male population than I do the female population % wise.Honestly, I'd like to run away somewhere no one knows me. Where I can be free and be me for a change. I think I'd like HRT and some surgery on my chest and face. Maybe even Gender Reassignment Surgery but I suffer from keloid (big angry red bumpy) scars and the risk of losing sensation scares the hell out of me. I'm a deeply sexual person. Moving away sounds like an amazing plan but I doubt I could be convincing and accepted and even if I was I really want kids and I'm pretty sure kids are unlikely if I transition.I've realised all of this and done this soul searching because my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January and he will soon be dead. He doesn't know obviously it wouldn't be fair but in the last month I've told my mum and youngest sister that I'm bi-sexual and I dress. I feel good about telling them. I thought I'd wake up and go "oh god did I do that?" but I didn't (both times telling were planned during mutual drunkenness). I felt good the next day and more free - closer to being able to be me. I'm sick of the lies and facade and I ache to mince openly. I get days when I reject it all and want to be normal and man up and then I get days when I come home from work alone and dress and I just feel better I cannot explain it. I got a "Three - androgyne" in the COGIATI trans test. I answered perfectly honestly. Why lie to yourself? (oh the irony)Since I left the ex I've been dressing 3 times a month at a club. It's felt really nice to just be me and mince a little and talk clothes and makeup with people and not feel self conscious. However more and more I feel like these CD's and TV's I want to be less and less part of. I don't want to fit that demographic I want my gender and sexuality to be a none issue. I want to be female and for this not to define me.I don't know what to do. I cannot plan a route through life where both children and transitioning are possible. This is making me rather sad to be honest and is a far more upsetting realisation than the fact my dad is dying or I won't ever be able to chat with my ex how I used to when we were together.Thankyou
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for taking the time. I've seen some of those movies but a re watch sounds like a good idea. I think really my next port of call needs to be a therapist and to get that ball rolling I need to talk to my gp.
I am a pretty impatient person so the cool calm and collected way I view this year I've allowed myself speaks volumes. I feel like what's another year after 29 thus far. If this path is wrong I'd rather know before I make a huge mistake and a therapist and 12 months will help with that.
I won't lie the idea of having to explain myself kinda irks me because I kind of feel it's like asking my sister to explain why she feels female or why your dad feels male. You just know.
Right now I feel if I don't do this the only other real option is to repress a large part of myself. I can see my self getting married to an understanding woman who would let me dress and play but eventually I think it would come to a head and we'd more than likely divorce. Contact with the kids would probably be minimal because suddenly dad isn't dad anymore. I'd be 50 or so and miserable. Unconvincing and unrealised and alone. That reality is not what drives the transition it's simply a likelihood if I am not true to myself and able to blossom.
A
male
reader, AvgGuy1  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 So... going back to the therapist issue(s).You DO realize that in order to get the surgery that you have to go through therapy as well - at least here in the U.S. you do. I'm pretty sure it's a fairly universal requirement for such cases.If you have not already, some movies to consider watching, for both entertainment... and enlightenment/education:Red without Blue (VERY VERY GOOD!)Priscilla, Queen of the DesertTransamericaGendernautsTotally F***ed UpTransgeneration (actually a series, now available on dvd)
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): Hi
I wish you well on your journey and hope you get the support of others along the way. Remember it is your unique journey and your choice to live YOUR life as you want. If we are not true to ourselves it is a ife half lived , feeding the world and what IT wants and expects, instead of the soul....this is where truth lives.
Good luck !stay strong! walk tall! look the world right in the eye and say 'here I am...this is me' and when someone judges you remind them they don't walk in your moccasins or your high heels ( lol :)
Spunky Monkey
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind words. I guess the snail thing was my attempt to declare my empathy to all things large or small. While this is not gender specific by any means one could argue that traditionally women generally are seen as possessing more empathy than men.You may care to know that I have decided to transition. I am scared but now a path is chosen I feel much better. I do not see a reason why I cannot be happy living as a transwoman in a marriage or long term relationship with biological children through surrogacy or IVF with either a man or woman partner. I will give myself 12 months to try and ensure this is really what I want and in the meantime::- Electrolysis on face:- Corset training:- Slight foot binding to go from a wide UK 8/9 to a thinner UK 8.:- Vocal training:- Slimming down to a UK size 18 top 16 bottom:- Mannerism training:- Accepting me for me warts and all and caring less what people think.:- Growing my hair longer:- Saving up £ for Female Facial Surgery.Nothing on the list above is something I would regret even if I decide to simply feminise when I felt I needed to and not to transition. The only permanent things would be electrolysis and frankly I am pig sick of shaving and it hurts my skin. Having lighter coloured hair I doubt anyone would notice anyway.When about 9 of the 12 months or so are up I will start HRT and after a year or more as my features and fat distribution has changed go for facial and chest surgery with GRS being a real possibility later down the line. It's a real eureka moment, I just hope my family and I will stay in contact along the journey. Currently even simple things like declaring to them (my dad not included) my favourite drink is sparkling rose or I am growing my hair has resulted in much laughter and smirking even amongst my mum and youngest sisterwho know. Simple things I can't be honest with them about without ridicule.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): Hi
Hope you have not crushed any snails lately( LOL )try to keep smiling and be true to you ....not what the world say's you should be like.
I thought what you said below was quite an interesting point.
Women are lucky in that their gender role is less strict because as you yourself said they can do more what would normally be deemed as masculine things without being seen as abnormal.
Yeh i agree with you , it's seen as the norm if we see a woman suited and booted with a briefcase trotting by. I see it as sometimes quite masculine in the physical and sometimes in attitude, a certain type of aggression, even in the walk...but you can't mince?
spunky monkey.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll of those things I would do quite happily and without giving them a second thought. I believe it is you who have the odd ideas because you think that men would not do those things. You've clearly not found the right man I'm afraid. You think only women wash the dishes or get up at the crack of dawn or are the only ones who do the interrupting at gatherings or help their kids with school work or lifts to whatever social clubs they care to attend. I believe it is you who have the issues. Those responsibilities to me are a given they're not exceptional or bound to either gender role and gender roles are the basis of this thread.
Women are lucky in that their gender role is less strict because as you yourself said they can do more what would normally be deemed as masculine things without being seen as abnormal.
Men cannot for the most part do more feminine things without being regarded as abnormal so as I said before in my desire to be "normal" I'd rather be regarded as female.
I define "normal" to be whatever the majority deems normal. For example most would say that men normally have deeper voices and women normally have higher voices. Therefore one can argue a woman with a deep voice is abnormal.
I believe you are trivializing gender dysphoria and I ask you respectfully to take your obvious hate elsewhere or maybe even to a therapist.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): Is that what you think being a woman is all about? Crying at sad movies, talking about our feelings, rescuing snails, and shopping for pretty clothes? If it is then no amount of running away, surgery or hormone replacement is going to help you.
What you have in common with every other man who fancies himself a woman in disguise is that none of you ever fantasizes about the realities of being a woman. Just the perks. None of you ever daydreams of PAP smears, mammograms, backaches and dish pan hands. Never do I hear a man lamenting for the day he will be constantly interrupted by other men at gatherings, or stay up all night helping his children with school projects, or getting up at the crack of dawn to take them to hockey practice, or not being able to sit down for five minutes without having small children climbing all over him. Does that part of being a woman not appeal to you?
Women are not ‘soft as shit’. We’re actually quite tough. We have to be. We kill bugs and other small critters all the time. We watch Law & Order, Jeopardy, Star Trek, Braveheart, Gladiator, and WWII documentaries just as men do. We prefer to talk about goals, travel, history, philosophy, religion and all sorts of other things besides feelings and manicures.
Life as a real woman is not what appeals to you. What appeals to you is the same thing that draws every other ‘gender dysmorphic’ man; the perceived perks, the window dressing, the caricature. The fantasy, not the reality.
This may not be your intention, but in your desire to be a woman, you are actually as patronizing and dismissive of women as the patriarchal system of old. You’ve all decided what being a woman is all about and you’ve made us out to be fragile and frivolous.
Yes, do consider therapy. That might help you figure out what you really want before you take any drastic measures.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): Hi
I don't know anything about this so can not help, but just want to say I wish you luck. I believe the soul is always louder than the body, always be true to that part of you :)
Don't rush let time take it's natural course and explore your avenues,your mind is very busy and in emotional turmoil and conflict to make a sound choice at this time.
Spunky Monkey.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 June 2011):
 I would honestly find a therapist who specialize in transgender issues.
I can't imagine feeling like I'm in the wrong body or wrong gender. Whether to go though the operations or not is something only you can decide.
Maybe these websites can help you get in touch with other who feel and understand you:
http://theangels.co.uk/forum/
http://www.transgenderzone.com/
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (10 June 2011):
Have you spoken to a therapist about this? MANY men like to just dress up and don't want to do the whole transition. On the other hand if you FELL like you are truly a WOMAN trapped in a mans body then you're leaning more towards sexual reassignment.
Have you actually spoken to a therapist who specializes in trans-gender issues? If not, I think you definitely should. They're FAR more qualified than any of us here to truly advise you on issues of this magnitude.
As far as having children is concerned... you could always store some semen in a sperm bank and then use it later (after you've had surgery) for artificial insemination into a surrogate.
Keep in mind too... that there are some women out there who'll accept their husband as a cross dresser, as well, if you don't want to go the complete surgery route. It's just a matter of FINDING one.
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