A
male
age
36-40,
*ostChris
writes:Okay so this is a strange situation I'm gonna explain to you guys and I'm not too sure myself on the right path to take with it but you guys have given me great feedback before so I'd like to know your opinions on what I should do next...First off some background (and sorry yes it is a LONG story) So up till recently I was at Uni (for 3 years failed btw) and drawing my first year I shared student accommodation with this guy let's call him Y. So at the beginning me and Y didn't really hang out and he didn't hangout with anyone else from our flat (everyone else I had become close friends with and we would hang out all the time) Y would just sit in his room with his girlfriend at the time or be on the phone with her (ldr)But a few months into the first year he comes to me in tears after his former girlfriend had cheated on him and he wanted to hangout and get drunk. So I rounded everyone up and we went out drinking and we all had a great time and definitely cheered him up. So from there our friendship started and we used to hang out a lot. So I myself am gay and I came out at the beginning of Uni to the surprise of most of my flatmates but they were all cool with it and Y said that he had know all along. Now the thing about Y was he was always asking me about my relationships and all the stuff I had done sexually which I just shrugged off as him being curious. But a running gag between all of my friends and I is that we tease Y for being secretly gay and he looks more stereotypical than I do. Of course he asks really defensively about it which just makes the gag funnier. So in our second year I move into a flat below his with our old roommates K and R and he lives with some new friends of ours L and F. So during this year he has this awful girlfriend that everyone hates and in the end he starts to hate cause she is really needy and very bunny boilerish lolIt gets so bad that he ends up cheating on her. But he tells me and L about it (Me and L being really good friends too at this point) and because he tells us and others the word gets out and his girlfriend finds out and they end up breaking up.So finally in our third year I end up living in a house with my best friend A while Y lives in a house with L and F. At this point me and Y have drifted apart cause I don't see him as much and when I do he becomes a bit of a user and ditches you when he is no longer interested. So me and A decided to have this sleepover party cause in all our time at Uni we've never done one and everyone is invited. At the end of the night it's just me, Y, L, A (who has gone to bed) and A's sister whom is getting cosy with L and were obviously gonna do stuff when left on there own. I offered Y to sleep in my bed and we could either top and tail or I'd sleep on the floor.Okay so through the entire night Y had been going on and on about whether he should go home or not to his current girlfriend and I told him that I didn't care just that he should make up his mind cause I wanted to sleep and our front door is one where you have to lock in from the inside to shut it so he couldn't let himself out if he wanted. Also through the night he kept asking me about all the stuff I used to get up to with my ex boyfriend which weird-ed me out but I was drunk so I indulged him.So Y decides to stay and after I sort L and A's sister with some blankets I head to my bedroom and I climb in to almost instantly he asks me if L and A's sister are getting it on to which I replied obviously. He then turns to me and says that we should have sex to which I think he's having a laugh and trying to get a rise out of me. So at first I say no not wanting to go along with his joke but then I turn around and say go on the to call his bluff as he kept going on and on. And we started making out to my surprise and he tells me that he's secretly bi and not to tell anyone (I'm seriously drunk at this point) So one thing leads to another and we end up sleeping together (me on top) afterward he swears me to secrecy and he goes to leave and I head downstairs to let him out catching L and A's sister in the act as well which distracts everyone from Y leaving.Later me and L head over to his house to hang out and I also sneak up to speak to Y who tells me that he isn't Bi and that he was just mega drunk and not to tell his girlfriend whom he suspects had cheated on him before anyways (not that that would make things okay imo). So I get home and speak to A for the first time since the party and tell her everything (bad I know but I couldn't hold it in and I needed to tell someone)Unfortunately I have told pretty much everyone in out group about this as I feel that it is way too big for me handle on my own. But I know I shouldn't have told anyone and if I could take it back maybe I would. However after telling L (the last on my list since he and Y had lived together for 2 years and I didn't want to ruin my friendship with him) he told me that he suspects that Y sleeping with me is his way of coming out.Like previously when he cheated on his girlfriend to break up with her (crazy I know) he had told people so he would be forced into a corner and have to act. L reckons this is the same and that because Y had come to Uni with a girlfriend he was unable to come out cause people perceived him straight.Know L is talking about having an intervention with Y in order to make him come out suggesting that Y had slept with me in order to make this happen. I'm not to sure myself on one hand it makes sense as even though I've left uni now every time I meet Y he asks me if I have told anyone and also has hinted to others that we have slept together before making it a jokish remark. Not to mention a lot of behavior before. But on the other hand as a gay guy myself I would not be happy if I was forced out of the closet especially in an intervention. However if he is too scared to do it and may cause himself hurt by keeping this bottled up this might be the right idea.I don't know what to do... What do you guys think?Thanks LostChris
View related questions:
best friend, drunk, flatmate, my ex, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (11 November 2010):
 ahh from that it sounds like he is interested in you, but you're not that into him and getting him to come out could get him off your back? concern for people is good but sometimes worrying about other people doesn't really change things or their behaviour. i find i just accept what people chose to do these days. i have had a situation that was like your one years ago but in my case i had a thing for them which is why i questioned that aspect...
A
male
reader, LostChris +, writes (11 November 2010):
LostChris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCheers guys got some great responses so far and I'd thought I'd address a few of your points.
First to thewalkin'dude as I stated in my post I was drunk when I slept with him and regretted it the moment I sobered up, If I could go back in time I would have made sure that this had never happened. Also I agree that I shouldn't have told people but the whole situation was too big for me too handle on my own personal, plus I'm not the kind of person who is good at keeping secrets or even having secrets, Which Y knows all to well which is why I think L's argument may have some weight.
Second to Boonridge McPhalify you are right he did use me in the end as it seems that he was more sober than i was during the whole experience. As for why do I care/What do I gain? Nothing. Concern has been the main reason why I had told the majority of people about what had happen (except to A who I told cause I couldn't handle it) After knowing Y for 3 years and this happening it's very hard for me as a friend (and yes I know he used me but when it comes to my friends I have a large tolerance for them treating me badly and I forgive a lot of stuff plus we were both drunk) not be concerned about I just wanted do find out what people (who know Y) thought and whether this was a cry for help. There's nothing I want from this, for one I have never been attracted to or had feelings for Y (but I am a gay male and do have a basic sex drive especially when drunk) and since then I have had 3 relationships (1 I am currently in and I couldn't be happier :) ) each of which Y has asked me in his usual way which is weirder considering what has happened.
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (10 November 2010):
why do you care? you said in your last year he had become a user and on this instance he used you for sex. there you go
i doubt he is gay as its hard to have girlfriend after girlfriend and have sex with them if you are not attracted to them. people just want this to fit cos as you said he fits the stereotype. what do you gain anyway? you told everyone (indirectly) in the hope that this would trigger more interest from him towards you. well if that is beginning to happen, if other people have a "gay intervention" (bizarre and strangely disturbing for a group of people to demand someone identify as gay)your hopes and chances will fade and disappear.
i have had sex with lots of straight men when they were drunk, doesn't make any of them gay though...
...............................
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 No, don't force him out. Coming out is more than just telling everyone you're gay-it means that you finally accept yourself as you are and can let yourself be loved as you truthfully and naturally are. There's a reason why we all go through puberty at different/specific times, it's only when we're biologically "ready." Kids who go through precocious puberty (way too early cause of hormones in processed food etc) suffer because they're shoved into what they're not ready to handle. Maybe a part of him does want to be forced, but it's not right and could set him back.HE needs to do it. No one else. Read Ricky Martin's book, he puts it best. Coming out is like a rebirth in a lot of ways and one shouldn't be cheated of doing that for themselves.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 I am not gay, but I would not want to be put in the position where I am forced out. How is it really anyone's business besides MAYBE yours and his?what is supposed to be accomplished by saying, "we all know how gay you are and how your friend betrayed your trust by telling all about what you explicitly told him not to". it basically sounds like your friends have selfish reasons for getting him to figure out or admit his sexuality. people need to take their time on this, and I'd think that pressuring him into admitting something he's not ready to admit will just cause him to alienate himself from everyone.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): I think Y is probably a bisexual male who obviously doesn't get to explore his extra ciricular side and so when the opportuity arose he took it. Again alcohol fueled. I've had an encounter with a Mr Y myself and back those types into a corner to "out" them only ends in tears. I think most likely Y wouldn't have done it if he wasn't drunk and so sober Y doesn't cosider himself as bisexaul or gay. He does not want to be outed!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): I really don't like the idea of you forcing him to come out of the closet. He might, although wrongly, be ashamed of being gay. I really don't think it's fair that you told everyone what happened and it sounds like you took advantage of a guy who is obviously confused about his sexuality. You should have know better then to have sex with him.
By telling your friends what happened word will no doubt spread about what happened and he will be humilliated. I think it was pretty selfish of you and to be honest it's his life and if and when he's ready he should be able to tell people himself.
Now that you've gone and told all your friends about it you haven't given him the option. What if his friends and family find out from somebody? How would you feel? He probably won't even get the oppertunity to tell people in his own time because you couldn't respect his wishes.
It sounds to me like you find the whole thing pretty ammusing and if i was him i wouldn't forgive you for the way you treated your so called friend.
...............................
|
