A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:we've dated for 2 yearswe had a "breakup" about 8 months ago as a result of a fight, but we made up the next day and we have been together since. we haven't had a major fight like that again, and I took time to address my issues related to it so we haven't had any huge arguments like that since.but in the past few months she has started to seem alternately distant and attentive. sometimes she doesn't answer my calls or texts and stands me up, but other times she's all over me and it feels very genuine, like I usually could tell if she's faking some emotion and it doesn't feel like she is. on the good times, we laugh, enjoy ourselves, she calls me frequently, and she says she loves me and we even sleep together. on the bad times, she is distant, doesn't answer calls or texts, sometimes stands me up, and so on.today she finally told me she thinks maybe we need to take a short break. the words as close as I can remember them: "I think we need a break... just for a few weeks to see what happens... Remember how last time we had to be apart for a while and when we saw each other again it felt so good... I wanna see if that comes back after we spend a little time apart..."then she backed off a little and said "let me think over the weekend, maybe we can do without this, but at this point, I don't know what else we can do to fix this..."then she hugged me and said she is really sorry and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but again she doesn't know what else to do....I accepted everything she said but now that it's been a few hours and i'm home alone i'm really freaking out.. i know better than to call her and bug her about it and i know it might be all i can do, but i'm still scared..She never did actually specifically say an ending date, just "a few weeks", so should I wait that long then try to call her? Or should I wait until she calls regardless of how long it takes?it's worth pointing out we are in college together, and we are going to be taking classes together this fall, so no matter what, I will be seeing her in early september...guys, I don't want to lose her.... is there anything I could be doing to help this along? is there anything i should say if/when i talk to her or call her again? i'm honestly just afraid she may decide she's ok without me even if she's not happy about it and never call me back, and then by the time fall rolls around and i see her she'll be indifferent and over things.... my friends think I should be positive and they all seem to think she is going to come back but it's hard guys to think positive right now, i'm probably just a bit down since it just happened today, but i love her and i don't want to lose her. I know i have a few things about myself to work on, and i'm already working on it, reading and studying, but i still don't want to lose her...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): There are two kinds of breaks:
#1. You both agree that neither of you is allowed to date any other people during the break.
#2. The person asking for the break will not agree to that stipulation. He/she usually claims they just want to leave open the possibility of seeing other people. That is bullshit. They probably already have another person in mind and they want an excuse to cheat.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): No breaks. I learned the hard way. Breaks change people. Sort a problem out then and now. Breaks make you think about other things and sometimes even give you other experiences... Bad idea.
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A
male
reader, exploited  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 No breaks. I learned the hard way. Breaks change people. Sort a problem out then and now. Breaks make you think about other things and sometimes even give you other experiences... Bad idea.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): I agree with CindyCares. I would not accept a 'break' in a relationship. A break is when you spend the afternoon apart, or a weekend away with your friends. Other than that, breaks are another way of saying, I don't want you any more, but I want to call it a break in case I change my mind.
Anyway, my advice to you, is to take back some control of your life. She has said she needs a break, and that is all there is to it for her. You have no choice but to give her that. But you do have a choice, as to other things.
I suggest you do ONE of these TWO OPTIONS:
OPTION 1. Do not contact her. When she contacts you, which is likely to be after the weekend, since she said she would think about it over the weekend, you need to be very kind but a little reserved, let her tell you what she thinks. If she still wants to have a break tell her that you actually agree that maybe a break is what you both need. Tell her that you really love and appreciate that she called, and you think maybe you should not contact each other for .....(period of time). YOU decide what you think this period of time should be. Remember, she is not appreciating you and your relationship, and she needs some time to reflect. You need some time to work out, if you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who goes hot and cold on you. YOU need to decide if you want to be with a woman that would prefer to take a 'break' than work through issues. So... in a way... get your head around the idea, that this is actually a good idea. She won't be expecting that, it puts you on a sort of equal footing, and the fear and uncertainty you are feeling, she may feel too.
I suggest you make it very clear, that you will in no way be entertaining the idea of seeing another woman, and you expect the same from her. She doesn't have to answer, just that she knows what YOU expect.
OPTION 2: Do not call her! When she calls you, listen to what she has to say. Be kind and understanding of whatever she has to tell you. If she still wants to take a break, tell her that you do not want to. Tell her you are not prepared to have a break, as you think it can cause more harm than good. Tell her you love her, and you don't ever want to be apart from her. Tell her you will let her think about it for a day or so, but you will not be doing a 'break'. It is all or nothing. (That is the option I would take).
Be extremely loving and kind and gentle, but keep your dignity.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 This is not even an advice, this is just my personal opinion , feel free to diregard it :
personally I think you made a BIG mistake even in accepting a break. I don't believe in breaks, breaks are stupid. They are for children, you know like when you have kindergarten kids playng together every day and inevitably after a while they grate on each other nerves and have to be separated for a week or so, to be able to " play nice " together again ?
Adults should not do breaks, they should realize that they are both equally responsible for proper care and maintenance of their relatiosnhip, if there are problems, and glitches in it, kinks to iron, that must be done together- if it is not possible to fix what is not working, it needs to be accepted and recognized honestly by both, who can then part ways as amicably as possible.
What does she think you guys will accomplish, what can she find out ? that she misses you ? that' s probable, and it also comes from habit, you see and hear someone often, then you don't, cold turkey- unless you hate them, you are going to miss them. So, suppose that in September she has missed you and can't wait to be together, what happens if, or when, in a few weeks the excitement of the reunion has worn out and she needs space again, you take another break ? and then again, and again, ad infinitum ?
I think you both, rather than taking vacations from the relationship, should be a bit braver , and find out , first of all, how come she feels the need to distance herself while obviously you don't, and, second, how can you work this out . Maybe you are a bit clingy, a bit needy ? maybe routine has taken over , there's little romance, sex has become sort of boring ?.. these , and dozens of other possibilities, are things that you should look in their face and decide how to handle them, and IF you want to handle them . Burying your heads in the sand, ostrich-like, for a few weeks , it's just a disrespectful waste of YOUR time.
I know I am coming a bit late with my opinion, now you cannot tell her " Just so you know, I don't do breaks. Either in or out " because you just did, you just accepted the break and reneging on your words would feel to her petty and controlling. But- if she comes back, think about it for the next time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): My sister did to her boyfriend in college what your girlfriend is doing to you now. You know why my sister needed "space?" Because she met another guy. I have a feeling there is someone else in your girlfriend's life (and yes I mean another dude). And you know what my sister's ex boyfriend did when she dumped him? He moved on with his life right away, had fun, and partied it up. And my sister was shocked. She expected him to be crying over her and begging for her and losing sleep over her and he did none of the above. And immediately he again became desirable to her. And in fact to this day her respect and attraction toward him is through the roof. Because he didn't die over her. He moved on like nothing happened. Listen and learn. That is what you need to do. Believe in yourself, have dignity, respect, and move on. No, don't call her. Move on and be happy. If you do, she will be begging for you again in no time.
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