A
male
age
41-50,
*hesterfield
writes:My girlfriend of almost a year now has recently told me that she doesn't like sex. She enjoys having orgasms but is never in the mood to have sex. When I pressed her for more information she told me that she thinks instead of having sex we could be doing something else like spending time with each other. I am completely baffled by this. We are both in our mid 20's and we have sex, if i'm lucky, once a week. -She doesn't like oral sex - she doesn't like foreplay. She doesn't masturbate.Her past sexually is filled with bad boyfriends and abuse which explains the above said However - I don't know what to do to change her attitude about sex. I hate having to ask for it but if I don't it won't come my way and when I do ask for it - she wasn't to get it over with as fast as possible. I really love this girl and want it to work but have no idea what to do to change her attitude about sex.- I'm open to any and all suggestions!!!
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male
reader, Chesterfield +, writes (1 October 2009):
Chesterfield is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst - I want to thank you for your words and support. This is a matter that I really had noone to talk to about it.I came to the conclusion that in the end - I can't see myself with her for years, she's not the one, and there are too many problems in the relationship to salvage it.When we spoke or more accurately "I attempted to break up with her" - we concluded that we needed to go on break. -When we reconnected we discussed how we each have things to work on- her with her issues and me with my communication. - Now I spell out the problems to her as they occur.She seems willing to make changes and is without question making the attempt.Do i think we are in the clear... to be honest... I feel like this relationship has a timer attached to it and that even though it works right now - I believe that it won't in the future which makes me feel like I should just end it now and take the bandaid off before too much skin has attached itself. - I feel however, that I owe it to her to stick around longer to give her the time to make an effort and see if things can really change because maybe if these HUGE obsticles are removed - there's a fantastic relationship there... once again - being honest - I feel like it's alot of me giving, and waiting for something in return.I think as i write this and I'm sure as you read this we both know the fate of this relationship- and even though it is convenient now - it won't be soon, and when that time comes - it will be over.
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (3 September 2009):
 I have been thinking about your issue and want to add to my previous post.
The reason I said it was a deal breaker is because, right now its a manageable problem, down the road after anger and bitterness sets in for you... and it will because this is an essential need for you... meaningful fullfilling sex, you will not have the ability to rationally and compassionately support her. And by then in response to your frustration, she will pull farther away from you both physically and emotionally.
Her essential need based on what you provided is emotional connection... sex is very low on her priority list so she is not likely to seek help without sufficient motivation. You can try to meet her need without getting yours met but it will only work short-term, men very rarely can meet a woman's emotional needs if his sexual needs are unmet... so eventually it will have to be dealt with... pain now or extreme pain and confusion later.
I am speaking from personal experience... I was sexually abused (no penetration) as a child. My husband was my only real sexual partner and he was also a virgin. He expressed all the same frustrations that you have expressed and I had similar feelings to your gf. The difference is that I never told my husband so unknown to me he thought the problem was with him. You have the advantage of this knowledge and can help her seek help, even if she doesn't understand its importance now.
I didn't tell my husband because of my guilt and shame, also I honestly didn't think it was hurting our relationship... crazy I know. I liked sex and orgasms just like your gf... I just thought he needed too much sex and I was overwhelmed and resentful. In my case I did not deprive him of sex but I did deprive him of my full participation and enjoyment. He rarely got to experience my enthusiastic loving response to his love... because I did not see sex as love... I saw it in a much colder light.
I wanted the emotional connection because THAT felt like love and the sex made our love seem almost dirty. I distanced myself from my sexuality because sexual feelings created or stirred up very deep shame and guilt... all victims feel guilty...normal people cannot live with those feelings so they disconnect (shut them off). Useful in the past but harmful now.
I never meant to hurt my husband and I never realized that sex was love especially to a man. He spent 19 years thinking that there was something wrong with him... eventually he got that need met somewhere else and it was too late for us. To say the least, I was devastated by our conclusion, he loved me, but by then not enough.
So when I say this is a deal breaker... I am saying it out of compassion for you and for her.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (3 September 2009):
You can sympathize with her past history of abuse, but don't allow it to be a cop-out for dealing with the issue. You would not be doing either you or her a favor by settling. You will eventually (and probably already) resent not having your need for meaningful sexual fulfillment met. Right now this is not a primary need of hers but as your resentment/frustration increases your ability to meet her other needs is going to decrease.As much as you love her, this is a deal breaker... either she addresses the problem and gets help so that you both can have a fulfilling sexual relationship or you end it now. It needs to be put to her that way in a firm but loving manner... it may be the motivation she needs to get help and if it isn't you need to leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): I agree.... she has some hard (but important) work ahead of her. She needs support, but she needs to do this for BOTH of you - her first, naturally...
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Hi,
I think the Aunts can offer all the advice they want on this one, but at the end of the day her previous abuse has affected her behavioural patterns to the extend she is blocking out particular sexual norms.
She needs professional counselling , somebody trained to deal with victims of abuse. It will be a long and hard road and at your age its a lot of stress and responsiblity on a young person's shoulders .
The biggest problem is she may be very reluctant to seek counselling as it will bring out all the imbedded memories to the surface.
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