A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi dear Cupid readers, I'm in somewhat of a messy situation and really need some advice, the hard part is where to start. I guess I'll start at the beginning, so it started out that my on/off boyfriend and I were to move in with his brother as the rent would be cheaper for us all and would allow us to save for better things ect, so I gave up my property and moved into the flat, his brother gave up his property and moved into the flat then my now ex boyfriend decided to break up with me and not move in using silly excuses over money mainly and he remained living with his mother and her partner for an easier life. The brother and I were both very upset with him for letting us down and have no choice but to make it work. Since living together we have gotten fairly close and we get along great and one evening we got drunk then out of nowhere we had sex, and have started having casual sex since, it's not awkward at all but of course this is my ex's brother and we are tied into the tenancy for the next few months now. I wouldn't say I have feelings for the brother at this stage but I have grown to like him alot, I've never been in a situation like this before and I am wondering whether or not we could become more than casual and what implications this may have for us if anyone where to find out? Has anyone else had any similar situations that may be able to shed light? As I've said it's very casual, we cuddle up on the sofa most nights but only kiss during sex, he hugs me when either of us goes out to work and My ex has already accused us and sighted that he wouldn't care if we did hook up.. obviously we both denied anything had happened between us. I guess I'm feeling a little confused as we don't even share a bed and I've never had a flatmate before and certainly not my ex's family.. it's a strange dynamic and it's hard to read. Any advice here would be very much appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): Most of us who had a FWB thinks, I hope my Mom doesn't find out. The only thing unusual is living with your FWB. I used to have to walk across our complex at 3 AM to get back to my kids (16 and 12. You have it made. Don't worry, be happy. There will probably be an end date, like 90% of FWB. Some go on years. Most end nicely. My guy got married as expected. He was much younger. I'm pretty sure I could have kept the FWB thing going, he felt obligated -- so I broke it off, sadly.There's something about sex with a nice trusted guy you're not in a relationship with.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 February 2022):
 |I will echo the Anon poster|
"You want a lot more than just fwb. And it looks as if brother of ex just wants to use you for convenient sex."
100% this.
Also, you know this is messed up. You know this is NOT going to work out into some great relationship with the brother. And quite frankly, I find it gross. Not only do you "DUCK" your BF's brother but you also lie about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2022): You want a lot more than just fwb. And it looks as if brother of ex just wants to use you for convenient sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2022): EDIT:
"You're old enough to make sound adult-decisions; and to stand behind what you do, or believe, without shame or [guilt]."
Please excuse the typos.
P.S.
If you even remotely suspect this is going to cause a serious rift between these brothers; stop what you're doing, and go find something a lot less complicated. It's just too convenient, seems opportunistic, and susceptible to conflict and contention. If you didn't think that, you probably wouldn't have written your post, or be hiding it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2022): You're an adult in your 30's, do as you please. You don't need our permission.
If your flat-mate isn't making any readable romantic-overtures or professing any sort of feelings for you; you're merely performing sex on-demand, and doing it out of convenience. If the buffet is laid-out on the table, you may as well help yourself, right?
Wanting something meaningful now comes as an afterthought? I would expect such a naive post from someone in their early 20's. You're old enough to make sound adult-decisions; and to stand behind what you do, or believe, without shame or quilt. You only hide what you think is wrong; and what you don't want to be held accountable for. You bring to light those things you feel to be right or justified. You confess things you no longer want kept secret; and tell the truth when you want to be trusted. Hiding things puts a big stain on your credibility and makes your intentions questionable. Confession is strictly voluntary, of course. Why hide it, if you're going to continue doing it?
You can't cheat on an ex; but you can cause friction and rivalry between brothers, if one thinks you're doing what you're doing spitefully and vindictively. He backed out of the deal, and any one of you had every right to. It didn't make any sense to begin with. He figured you'd do each-other sooner or later. He's not stupid. He knows you. You were once a couple, remember? He, better than anyone else, knows what you're capable of. He knows his own brother. He knew being alone together what you're both likely to do. It was too predictable. It's a situation that most people would presume a hookup will happen, even if it never has. In this case, it did!
Ask your sex-buddy if he wants to pursue something meaningful, and see where it goes? It's a known fact that he's your ex's brother; that didn't seem to hinder the sexual-activity and canoodling. All the considerations and concerns come after the fact. You've admitting you've had sex and snuggled several times. You're hiding the fact you're hooking-up? Why? I thought you said your ex has already told you he suspects you are, and he doesn't care. Isn't that enough?
If your flat-mate denies to his brother you're messing-around; maybe he feels he's betraying his brother. Otherwise, he would have admitted it; and would bring things out into the open. Concealing your fling from his brother doesn't seem like he wants this to be anything more than what it is. Friend's with benefits, and everything kept on the down-low. I guess it all depends on whether or not he is a fervent believer in the "bro-code." Which puts being brothers (or buds) before the females who cause trouble, or come between them.
Technically, it's none of anyone's business. It happens to be his brother involved; and the truth will out itself. He changed his mind about moving in with an ex; which was a sudden attack of wisdom.
What could have been worse, would be if all this was happening behind his back; while he was also living there. Going after his brother, with things as they are; would smack of opportunism, or raise the suspicion of vengeance. Even if that's not the case. It's a matter of appearances, I guess one could say. You still have the argument of consenting-adults. Exes can't choose who you canoodle, date, or decide to boink. You just happen to be playing in his backyard, it's his brother!
When you date the siblings or relatives of an ex; it comes with built-in (or predictable) drama and complications. You've been around long enough to know that; and that's why you wrote your post.
Do what your conscience and common sense tells you to do. If he wants to continue hiding it from his brother, that's your answer. FWBs it is, and FWBs it will remain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2022): I suggest you set higher standards for yourself. First of all, FWB never work out. You can tell yourself that women are fine with them. They are not. Sooner or later they will want more. FWB benefit the men. Why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free? It is a very messy situation, and very bad judgment on your part. Of all men on earth, you pick your ex's brother? That sounds pretty desperate to me. I am sorry OP but you sound like you need to be alone for awhile and start to love and respect yourself before opening your legs to all the men around you. Maybe get some therapy? Most people are settling down at your age, not acting like a horny teenager who cannot control themselves. And putting themselves in a bad position.
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