A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I can’t come to terms with the fact that I don’t know who my Baby’s Dad is, even though I’ve accepted I'll never being able to find him. The worst thing is if I happened to walk by him in the street by chance I wouldn’t even realise it was him because I can barely remember what he looks like. I had drunken sex with him after a night out nearly 2 years ago. I can remember kissing him on the dancefloor of a nightclub, being in a takeaway with him and us both stumbling drunk back to my flat. I can even remember him being on top of me as we had sex and encouraging him to do it harder. But I can’t put a name or a face to him. All I can say is he was white and skinny. (That narrows it down…)He'd left me high and dry by the morning but I never thought anything of it at the time. He was just another sleazy, meaningless notch on my bed post. All I can do is be honest and say I was acting like a complete slag, getting drunk and sleeping around with loads of different men, taking liberties with contraception etc. I honestly thought I was 21 and invincible and that I’d never end up falling pregnant. But I was completely stupid and it inevitably happened. I wasn’t ready to become a Mum at all and was going to have an abortion, but when my Nan died of COVID at just 67 I realized I couldn’t go through with it. She was part of the first wave of people to die from it in the UK and it made me realise how precious life actually is and it wasn’t right for me to just get rid like that. I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and try to track down the father.I knew for certain it was him because the dates matched almost perfectly. But it was an almost impossible job from the start. I couldn’t go back to the same club or any other night spots in the area just on the off chance that I might find him or any locals who knew who he was or saw us together that night because by this point it was now lockdown and everything was shut. I couldn’t bring myself to put out an appeal on Social Media or anything to find him because I’d basically be showing myself up to be a complete slapper who couldn’t even remember the lads name, so I was completely stuck. I tried wracking my brain and retracing my steps for months on end to try and remember more about him but I just couldn’t. The worst thing is I can’t even be sure I actually asked him what his name was at all before we slept together.None of my friends who I was out with that night can remember anything about him because they were just as drunk as me, if not worse. We were all the same really. Young and dumb and reckless. The only difference is I’m the only one who ended up with a kid. I don’t regret my son, who’s just over a year old now. But being a single Mum is hard, much harder than I thought it would be. Literally every aspect of my life has to be planned around my son. I’m so envious that my friends can all just live their lives care free whereas I’ve been forced to grow up overnight and everything is ten times more difficult. Part of me hates the father of my child for just disappearing after we slept together but then a part of me also feels sorry for him because he has no idea he has a son and probably never will know. He may well have just done a runner or refused to be involved if I did know who he was and was able to tell him, but then at the same time he may well have actually stepped up and been a proper Dad, it's the not knowing that gets me the most. This isn’t some desperate appeal to help find him; that ship has well and truly sailed. I’m just really worried about the effect it’s going to have on my son. When he’s older he’s obviously going to ask me about his Dad and who he is and why he isn’t around, how can I look him in the eyes and tell him I don’t even know his name? I’m worried he’s going to end up getting picked on and teased by other kids in school because he doesn’t have a Dad and that without a father figure in his life he’s going to go off the rails when he’s a teenager. I do have support from my family but they also have their own lives as well, which I completely get. Lately though I’ve just been feeling so down and ashamed of myself and I don’t know how to move forward.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2022): I believe that your baby's spirit chose to come through you and you sound compassionate and caring enough to give him a very decent start in life.
Many parents worry that their youngsters will be subject to bullying especially at school.
All schools are supposed to take bullying seriously so it is important that children know what is and what isn't acceptable child behaviour.
If children are treated badly at school they are supposed to tell the parents who will then speak to the teacher about it.
It's only natural that you should worry about the future a bit.
It's up to you how you present the circumstances of your sons birth to him.
It's a bit like the Jesus story when telling a child.
There is usually quite a lot of detail left out so as not to confuse the child or introduce complex issues at too early an age.
If you can't trace the father or get further details maybe you should consider giving him a simplified version such as : mummy and daddy got together and made a baby and then daddy had to go away!
I totally understand why you invested in life during the difficult covid times.
Maybe your nan who left earth during covid is willing you on from spirit side.
As you can't go partying and dancing while your child is so young have you thought of investing spiritually in yourself.
You can still get books from the library about this or look up spiritualism on the net.
It can help to look at life from
a different angle and may inspire you.
I don't think anyone should feel ashamed of having a baby.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2022): You won't be the first and you won't be the last to be in your position. I know of several children born out of wedlock during the second World War, yes it was a war but soldiers from as far as America were here, my nan had two children out of wedlock before she married my grandad, their absent father was never brought up, it was just something my mum knew and told me but her family never talked about it openly.
You will be surprised how many children don't know their fathers or who have fathers but in actual fact the father is someone else.
I have friends who have had sex with two men and hedged their bets on the father based on who the child looks like. One had an ex who paid for years towards his daughter only for it to be found years later he wasn't the father and now the real father is around for his daughter!
Look what's done is done and you have a conscience because you want the best for you boy. Lots of women these days have children with no partner, quite literally sperm donors.
I know it's not as you planned and you go with your gut if you feel you want to try and find the father, I think based on the whole episode I doubt he will want to step up to the mark but that's just my opinion.
Take care and build the best life possible for you and your little man. All the best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2022): Ps the other thing I want to say is if you have watched "long lost family" not every single person wants to be found or wants to meet a parent. I would play it by your son and if he grows up curious about his father, he actually may never care, he may just be absolutely fine just having you and if you meet someone then he may very well just be happy with his family unit with no desire to question or know where his father is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2022): I'm surprised at Honeypies reply, I'm equally surprised at Wise Owls as both go against their usual advice here.
Sweetheart you sound like a bloody amazing mum, when I was twenty I had an abortion because I didn't know who the father was, he could have been on of a few because like you I was young and naive. Oh how horrible and icky did I feel about myself and the choice I made was because of that very reason.
I'll be honest with you I think that you can tell your son the truth but turn it into a story of being young, being carefree and while on reflection you would have wanted him to know his daddy he has you and that's the most important thing. Personally I wouldn't try and explain his dad just focus on facts and that is he has you, though of course as suggested you can try genealogy if you feel you really want to try and locate him.
It's happened you simply cannot undo it but you gave your son the gift of life, please focus on that and also you just never know you might meet a man you love and you settle with so while even if so you would owe your son some honesty remember that you are a wonderful mum who clearly loves her son so please don't beat yourself up anymore about what happened, learn from it and grow and do all you can to make life as easy for both of you, just enjoy your little boy x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2022): Typo corrected:
"Thus, he hightailed it out of [your] flat the next morning before you woke-up."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2022): First, stop putting yourself down. If it's any comfort to you, the prefrontal cortex, that's the part of the brain that helps us with rational thinking, does not fully develop until about the age of 25. By no means am I making an excuse for irrational, recklessness, criminal, and deliberately impulsive-behavior; but basically, this is the part of the brain that helps with self-control, judgement, and impulse control.
This explains why we feel so wild and carefree during our teens and college days. We partied all-night, we might lean towards promiscuity; and we couldn't conceive the thought that anything terrible could happen to us. Well, not until we hit that proverbial wall. It's the school of hard-knocks that knocks some sense into us. We suddenly realize we are not invincible! That all the red-flags, warnings, and sirens out there; are there for a reason. To save us from ourselves, and to warn us of impending danger. We are given common sense at an early age; and it's not simply "optional" to use it, not if you want to survive through a full cycle of life.
We ignore the wisdom of our elders, rebel, defy our parents; thinking they are too old to remember what fun is, or things back in their ancient days are nothing like what we are going through now. Girlfriend, there's nothing new under the sun. People did what we're doing now, ions ago. Technology is different, not people. Although, bad-history repeats itself; because of willful-ignorance, prejudice, and innate cruelties in the make-up of our human nature. We are inherently evil, and it takes God to neutralize it, and pull it out of us. Even an infant will throw a temper tantrum, and a toddler will tell a lie. It's in our nature. As a Christian, I have to pray to not let my darkest nature override the goodness. I need Jesus all day, or I don't know what kind of creature I might become. Look around you, all this hate and evil isn't new!
Don't worry so much about finding the father of your son. This is the 21st century, my dear! Your son can take an autosomal DNA test. You can do that anytime you're ready. They can compare his DNA to other DNA data to identify matching segments of chromosomes that indicate a family relationship.
A lot of people are taking DNA tests these days mainly to determine their true nationality and origins. This data is also stored; so people can locate long-lost relatives, or unknown relatives. You may find a cousin, a half-sibling, an uncle, aunt, or someone on the father's side that can be contacted. Some people who are adopted want to know what their true ethnicity is, some are searching for their birth-parents; and some people want to know, if they are the only one left of their kind.
Technology is at your disposal, and even if you never find the biological-father yourself; the science will be far more advanced by the time your son is old enough to decide if he wants to search himself. It is possible that you may someday walk right up to this man, right on the street; and he will recognize you. If he notices his resemblance in your son; he may have a lot of questions. Then you can take a paternity test. You forget, this is a small world. The guy lives within some reasonable distance of where you're living, considering you met in a local club. It would be different if you met him in another country, or the place where you met was hours of travel from your home.
Unfortunately, alcoholic blackouts can be amnestic. It's a medical fact that you may never recover any memory of all your actions during a certain period of time, while heavily intoxicated. You may never remember what the guy looks like; but he may remember and acknowledge you. If he has distinguishing features, hair color, or tattoos; that might jog your memory. If you recall anything that night, it was not a blackout, but a brown-out. They are not one in the same. He could be a co-worker, or a neighbor. You may never know right-away, but it's a small world.
Sometimes guys who have sex with intoxicated-women will run and hide. They know during an alcoholic blackout, you can function and be fully active; but you will not recall everything you did. Legally, it can be considered rape; when you engage in sexual-activity with a person under the influence of a drug or intoxicating substance, and they are not in full control of their mental-faculties and judgement. Thus, he hightailed it out of our flat the next morning before you woke-up. He will be as hard to find as a five-legged unicorn. Then, there's DNA! You might run, but you can't hide!
Boys and young-men do need good male role-models. That can be anyone (or all) of your male family-members, a coach, a teacher, a minister, or any guy of solid character, proven integrity, and a kind heart; who takes an interest in teaching your son how to be a man of that caliber and awesome character. "Knowing" your father doesn't make him want to be your father; or make him capable of being a good dad. Lots of kids know their dads, and live with him; yet he isn't there, and they don't feel any emotional connection between them. Yes, it is as sad as that.
May God help you find the father of your son; but only if he would be a blessing in your lives. If he is a responsible and kind sort; I hope he becomes a positive-influence on his son. If you never find him; may God step-in, and give you both a good life. May the Lord help your son to be a man his mother will be proud of. I hope he appreciates you, because you gave him life; and will struggle and do anything for him out of love. You bear no shame. You took responsibility, and made the sacrifice. Peace be with you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 February 2022):
 There are no pictures from that night out? That seems strange for a group of 20-year old girls out on the town.
And to not remember him at all?
I guess that is all moot by now.
You could try and do an Ancestry DNA and have his DNA uploaded, you might find a match, not to your son's father but other relatives, and get some help from people who do hobby genealogy research if you DO find a match.
And you might never find him this way either. And then what?
What do you tell your son? Yeah, son, I was blindly drunk and just shagged some dude I didn't know and I have no idea what his name is either. Yikes. Even if it is the truth.
At 20 it's a LOt of responsibility and good for you to step up. Being mad at the lad is pointless, he did NOTHING YOU didn't do. Be mad at yourself too then. However, does that really help you? Help your son?
So what do you do when your son starts asking questions? I honestly have NO idea.
I found this article and it might help you a little.
https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-talk-to-children-about-absentee-fathers-2997224
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2022): If ever there was a prime example of learning your lesson the hard way...My dear this has all come about because of your feckless attitude. I don't know what else you would've expected to happen, just thank your lucky stars that you haven't (I presume) caught a life-threatening/altering STD. At least now you seem to realise the consequences of your actions and I hope will never take those kind of liberties ever again. Multiple drunken, unprotected sexual encounters only ever have these kinds of results. You say you were forced to grow up overnight and are now envious you no longer have the freedoms your friends have because you now have a child, well tough luck I'm afraid. You've made your bed and now you have to lie in it. There is little you can do when it comes to your son asking about his Dad, the only thing I would recommend is not giving him the gory details until he is properly old enough to understand.How to move forward? Just get on with it; be there for your son, love him, raise him, guide him. Don't let him make the same mistakes you have. Things will get better slowly, but brace yourself for the terrible two's! They can be absolutely horrific. Good luck. You're gonna need it.
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