A
female
age
41-50,
*alykush
writes:My bf and i have been together for a little over a year. our relationship is quite complicated. we met and both of us had been hurt and decided we didnt want a relationship or to be in love. well. HA we broke our own rules fell in love and became exclusive. fastforward to june 2010. he decided he wanted to be just friends. i was heart broken and (still) cant accept it. fastforward to july 2010. i find out i am 8 weeks pregnant with his child. i keep it from him while i debate on my decisions. (i am keeping the baby) fastforward to august 2010, my parents find out i am pregnant and kick me out of the house (i am not allowed back) my ex bf takes me in i have been there since august we have been fighting non stop, (he has other children but doesnt want them to know they will have a little sister soon) i finally found the courage to leave his house 2 weeks ago, he looked for me out of concern but i would not divulge my location, anywho the place i was at fell thru and i had to beg him to take me back in, he is not happy about this at all, saying he just thinks it is better if we go our separate ways, although he admits he knows he will regret losing me later on.( i perfer him to not have to regret this later and just work thru it now, childish as it is i know and he knows we belong together) anyways he says he doesnt want to be my bf but just my baby and i am his baby just not his lady. im so confused. plus he pays my phone bill ive never once paid for my cell phone bill since living with him, he does a lot not just his unborn baby but for me as well. he gets drunk and will suddenly be sorry for how badly he is treating me and that he is my man and he does love me. but it will disappear within a day or two. i have told him repeatedly we are both too old for this game of high school crap of he will hurt me and then i will stupidly do something to hurt him worse or vice versa, he claims he doesnt want to play the game either but he continues while i do my best to have a happy remainder of my pregnancy and just make the best of a seemingly bad environment. im just so lost and confused, does he love me? he says he no longer loves me because of some of my past actions (short point he pissed me off lied about a phone number i went bizzaro nutts on him - i blame the hormones LOL) but his actions show different. he says he wants to be alone but when i disappear for long periods or am gone longer than i should be during the day he freaks out and asks where i have been, when i reply why do you care we arent together, he blows a gasket. im just looking for advice, do not tell me to move on as this situation of carrying his child and living with him is hard enough, also ive made it clear after i have the baby i will be moving 3 hours away, he says he will be going with me. which confuses me MORE than ever. if you do not love me or want to be with me, why move 3 hours away to be with me? sorry this is all over the place but i have so many thoughts.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (28 October 2010):
Hello again. WOW!! I'm really impressed.
Even though you wrote to Dear Cupid with this question, I believe you were sure at some level as to what you would probably do anyway. And that's really positive.
I am very proud of you.
You are a very switched on young lady, who knows exactly who she is and what she wants.
You will do very well in your life, I know it.
You have all those great qualities it takes to live a happy, successful life and meet all your needs.
You also have a great attitude to everything in life that happens to you.
Best wishes for the future. Take care.
A
female
reader, kalykush +, writes (27 October 2010):
kalykush is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well because I do love him, I try to refrain from being so independent. If I need help I'll ask him for it, even though I can do it on my own... I.E. opening a bottle, or changing the oil in my truck, helping me with some other odd task.
I do my best not to let his insecurites effect me. It really doesnt, but I spent most of my teenage years (I am a young mom) relying on my own mother or that father, to be frank, I'd prefer to have my own goals and be super proud of the accomplishments I have recieved. :)
As for the babysitting, there is an organization that is state based (day care action) that helps families that do not make enough cover the costs of day care, IE if I make 100.00 a week , they would cover a majority of the day care bill. So that isnt really a worry, plus the jobs I have now are pretty flexible. I work 2nd shift and am done by 6pm monday thru friday. the other job is a once in a while sunday. (really i only keep that job for the insurance until after baby is born)
I do want us to work out i really do but i guess i've finally realized that it wont work if i keep pushing for it to work. i know he loves me and he wants it to work but not if i push it. so i am content living with him and knowing he can feel his baby kick whenever she is awake and he is around. when he decides to make the move and make me with gf again ill consider it. until then its just me and the baby. :)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (27 October 2010):
Hello again. I'm really pleased that you are an independent woman the way you are. That's a great way to live, never feeling you need someone else to help you. Knowing that you can always take life in your stride, without any great concern.
Unfortunately, this is a big loss for him - although he doesn't realize it. The fact he wants people to need him in a relationship, shows that he is lacking in self confidence, because if he doesn't have that, he feels incomplete as a person. Which really translates into that he emotionally needs you.
Some men are like that and want to do everything for their woman, and be a complete support system, but if that's not what you want or like, well then you have to work out a happy medium that will suit both of you. Otherwise, it won't work and you'll always be fighting about it. Because you will feel closed in and restricted.
That's not healthy really.
Having said how great it is to be fully independent, please don't try to change the way you think, just to make him happy. What I'm trying to say is, don't become less independent to satisfy his desire to be needed.
However, do allow him to help as the father, in whatever way he wants to. Let him share your baby's life, so he can find some fulfilment from that. It's just as important for your baby as it is for him.
There seems to be no problem for you with financial security, as you have said you have 2 jobs - that's good. As you were saying, yes, it will be much easier to get another job once you have had your baby.
Once you have moved (after the birth), then you will have to organise babysitting so you can work. Have you considered that?
With a baby, you will really only want to be working 2 days a week (15 hours max). Otherwise, you'll be paying out a lot of money on daycare.
There is a lot to consider, but it does seem like you have everything pretty much in control now.
Best wishes and take care.
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A
female
reader, kalykush +, writes (26 October 2010):
kalykush is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto answer your responses to my question:
this is actually baby number 5 (yes FIVE) for him. The other 4 are from the same woman. They were broken up for 1.5 years before him and I ever came to be.
He already knows im not going after him for child support, and the other girl doesnt either. there isnt a reason to have court ordered payments when he takes care of his kids.
To janniepeg... I actually am holding TWO JOBS at the moment so he isnt hoping i get a job. he doesnt like that i can take care of myself. he wants a girl that will rely on him but i only rely on myself. he always said he never liked how independent i am.
to dorothy: the reason for waiting until after the baby is born to move is because 1: i like my group of doctors and i do not want to move with only 3.5 months left to go. 2: who is going to hire a pregnant woman for work? 3: i am in the middle of a custody battle with my own 2 children that is preventing me from leaving the county.
also NO i wouldnt be staying with family, i have 2 sisters where i am looking at moving too, but i would not be staying with them. i have found houses to buy, its just getting a job that is holding up the show, which as stated before being 23weeks pregnant who is going to hire me? LOL...
Also I have tried to have conversations with him, he either never wants to talk or if he does talk he talks in circles and just confuses me more. we had a huge talk sunday - he started it AMAZING- he said a lot of things that hurt but the truth hurts...however after the talk/fight i was just laying down listening to music processing everything and he came up to say he was sorry and he wants me to be his girl.
yes he wants to be involved in his daughters life, id never prevent that but i also do not want him moving 3 hours away to be with her, he can drive down when he wants i dont need him in my life if he doesnt want to be my man anymore or feels trapped...
and to be honest this pregnancy although not totally planned was wanted, he just happened to break up with me before i found out. he always says if i would have found out earlier things would be different.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Have no expectations and try your best to get a job after you have a baby. He wants to live with you because he knows his other ex wouldn't let him live with her but you, you may still give him a chance. If he lives alone that means he has to pay one more child support, on top of the other two. He's also hoping that you will get a job so he's not responsible for everything. Even when he lives with you he still has to go back and forth but for him it's worth the gamble. He was really indiscreet not using protection. Having three kids he realizes it would be really really hard to get into another serious relationship again without baby mama drama. So knowing this, he may work things out with you but don't fully depend on this though. Don't decline his offer. Just do your part of being the best girlfriend and mother you can be. If he can reciprocate what you do, it's a plus, but it's not expected based on his history. Of course if he does something really stupid you should kick him out.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (26 October 2010):
Hi there. First of all, why are you going to move 3 hours away after the birth?
Why are you waiting till after the birth to do that?
Are you going to be moving in with some other family members - Grandparents for instance?
You said he has other children. Are they living with him?
By the way you are talking, it sounds like he is a bit older than you.
He has a fatherly way about him. Because he already has kids.
Perhaps he doesn't really know what he wants from life right now, and this baby wasn't planned. He might be feeling a bit trapped.
Although he says he doesn't love you, his actions seem somehow to contradict this.
It's also possible that his greatest concern is for the baby, and as it's yet to be born, he has to care for it by caring for you and making sure you are being looked after properly. So that would explain it. There would naturally be feelings for you still, because of this connection with the baby and your recent history together.
It's impossible to know what's going through his mind, without actually sitting down with him and talking about everything to get it all out in the open. Unless you talk about it and just go on guessing, you will never find out the truth. You need to know where each of you stands on the subject of the baby and the two of you as parents and as a couple (if that's what you both want). You have to come to a mutual understanding, as soon as possible. Don't leave it until after the birth. That's going to be chaotic. Things need to be worked through now, not later.
Good communication is so important, it's the only way two people can ever have a hope of working things out once and for all.
When you do decide to have this discussion, you have to be open and honest with all that you feel about him, the baby, it's future, and the possible future of you and him as a couple. Don't get angry or upset, don't get sarcastic or critize him either. Stay calm, be loving, respectful and supportive always. Stay positive and be considerate of his feelings. This way he knows you are not just picking on him and finding fault.
The longer you leave it, the harder it's going to be to begin this process.
Another important subject to discuss when you talk, is the financial support of your baby once it's born.
The bottom line is, you both have to want the same things. You have to be very clear on this.
And remember, you can say anything. It's not what you say, but how you say it - that really counts.
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