A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Whoever knows where to begin on these issues? I have been seeing a girl for roughly two years. We have had a few small break-ups in-between, but have ultimately stayed together. I do care or her, but now am facing a difficult question. We have both discussed the issue of kids, and (I thought) we were at an agreement of not wanting to have children. About a year ago, there was a significant rift put between us because she told my Mom that she did want kids by the time she was 32 (we're both 31 in June) according to my Mom. It's well-known that my g/f has endometriosis, and this is where the conversation started. I get word of this from my Mom, and the g/f then said my Mom misunderstood what was said. My Mom says there was no misunderstanding. So, argument ensued, and ended in stalemate with me not really knowing who to trust. Fast forward to this week...First, the g/f flips on me saying she had an issue she needed to talk about and that (as seems to be the normal complaint lately) I wasn't there to listen. (Let me defend myself here by saying that I do listen, all the time. I trust my g/f to be able to make her own decisions - esp when it comes to issues dealing with her own body.) The g/f has made mention of late, and esp last night, that the doctor has advised her that curing her endometriosis will involve either a) having a baby, or b) having a hysterectomy. The way she talks now it seems like she is confused on what she should do. She doesn't know whether to have a child or the hysterectomy. Is this something I can listen to? Yes. and I have before. Is this a question I can answer for her? No. It's her body. However...I still feel the same. I do not want children. Period. End of discussion. My question is then two-fold:1) I'm beginning to suspect she lied to me about what she said to my Mom when the rift happened. Do I call her out on it? 2) How do I approach this situation of her potentially wanting kids? She still says she doesn't wan kids either...but now I'm getting mixed signals. If she has a different need on this issue, then I can only see one way to resolve it, and that's by breaking this relationship off because I do not share this need. I love her, and I don't want to see that happen, but on the flip-side, if I can't/won't fill that need for her - then that causes a significant problem.The suggestion box is now open...
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female
reader, ButterflyKisses +, writes (6 March 2009):
Having children is obviously a joint decision, and you've already told your g/f that you do not want children. I highly respect this, and I don't find yor decision to be selfish at all. There are far too many people in this world that have children and later neglect them.
If your g/f has changed her mind about wanting children, it's best that you let her go, so that she may pursue this dream with someone, who does want children.
Pregnancy does not cure endometriosis, it temporarily hinders it's progression. Also, it is likely that she will struggle with infertility, if she does attempt pregnancy, perhaps needing treatments and/or medications to achieve pregnancy. This alone, would be extremely stressful on her. Not only that, but she will still need to have a hyterectomy, if her endo becomes too unbearable for her.
I imagine that her desire for children is unfolding because her window of opportunity is closing in on her. The risks associated with pregnancy, in general, go up once you turn 35 (i.e. down syndrome, miscarriage, etc.). Add that to the fact that she already has a devastating issue associated with fertility. I would be a mess, too. Even if she does not want children now, she has to make the decision about wanting children in the future, and she has to make that decision now.
Are you willing to have a vasectomy tomorrow? You say you don't want children, but are 100% sure that you don't want them ever, and would you be willing to take permenant actions to become sterile today? This is the battle that she is strugging with, and time is of the essence here, since endo is typically a progressive disease.
You're in a tough situation, and I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I know you love her, but if you don't want children, and she does, please let her go. I don't think it's fair for either one of you to make the other happy by either having a child that YOU don't want, or not having the child that SHE wants. Either way, there is no winner in that particular situation. If you bring a child into this world that you do not want, that child will know it, and if you never have the child that she wants, she may always resent you for it. Again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I wish you well. Plese keep us updated.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): first of all you should trust her. guys moms tend to twist what gfs say. i have learned that very well. second i know exactly where she is and if you wont fufill that need for her you need to leave and let her find someone who wants that or get over it yourself. being faced with the thought of loosing your ability of having children is scary. it changes people. but you have to change for you. and if you cant dont hold her to what she said she thought she wants. everyone has the right to change thier minds.
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