A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a long distance relationship with a widower for 5 years.We love each other very much, but he is afraid of commitment, so much so that when I asked him where he saw our relationship in a few years time, he said that he couldnt imagine sharing his life or his home with anyone on a continuous basis and ended our relationship.I called to his home to collect all my belongings, he was surprised to see, and also quite happy, welcoming me with a hug and kiss.we spent most of the day together, getting along very well, after which he asked me to stay a few days!I accepted as we needed to talk about what had happened between us.He told me that he had made a pack with himself never to have another relationship, or be intimate with another woman.We are both very much in love with one another, but he just wants to have a friendship as he feels it is less pressure than a relationship.We had a wonderful few days, it was as if we had never broken up. He admitted that he had enjoyed our few days and that he loves me very much, but still insists that he would rather refer to us as being good friends, than a couple!I do love this man and want to be part of his life. I am thinking that in time he may change his mind about this friendship thing, but do I take that chance?
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female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (3 March 2009):
 i am a deep believer in soulmate relationships, my bf and i are so much in love and feel very strongly that remarriage will NEVER happen. to me, death is ONLY a temporary partition between two people who love eachother. and if the gentleman ur seeing is of the same view, and his deceased wife had asked him to not remarry..( ask him that), then i would back out, and respect his deceased wifes wishes, and his. i can only imagine her agony and grief on the other side. not being able to tell u that she still loves her husband who still abides in this world. losing someone u had shared and invested all ur hopes and dreams in, like for me, i have bore my bf two beautiful girls, and given him something no other will ever give him.i feel i need to say more, in respect to the deceased wife, its almost as if perhaps she is usuing me as a means of communication. i hope u will deeply read into my words, and understand. ur loved one cant let go of the past memories and the beautiful times he shared with his wife, the last moments he might have had with her. and the hopes that if there is a heaven, he will be reunited with her as her husband. in my belief, unless one gets a divorce, or has enough will to 'LET GO', the sacredities of marriage dont break off upon death. no, im not christian and im n ot here to preach god, im actually bhuddist, but i know id be in the worse fit of rage if i died and another woman came round my man even after knowing he was unwilling to have any kind of relationship with her, except friendship, without the benefits. id be hurt. and i know, he would be hurt too, if he was dead and knew another man was trying to enter my life. i think what im trying to say here, is that every human male, and female has a soulmate, and we all spend a lifetime searching for that missing link. while some believe we have many soulmates, i believe there is only one piece that matches to the missing link. and others may come and try to match it, but u just cant put a key into a lock if was not created for that particular lock. and this man feels he had found that piece that he was meant for in this life, and in the hereafter, whatever it may be. so maybe u need to move on, and find ur own soulmate. and let this man continue on with his, with his hopes, and his beliefs. his heart is feeled with a love for his wife he can never give u, and does not want to. his honesty is beautiful, and its fair. why would u want to be with someone if they cant give u their entire heart and soul? and truthfully, however sad it may be for u, his heart and soul eternally belong to his wife. as he has promised within himself he would. dont make him break this pact hes made. i think its cruel and heartless to try to think u can sway him with ur love and ur desires and honestly, u will never be able to give him what his dead wife has given and bestowed upon him. there is no competion here. and u cant replace them with new ones if he has no desire to have them replaced. be his friend. and allow ur heart to heal, and move on to find its own real soulmate in this world, and for the next. writing this reply has brought tears to my eyes. as i feel so ever strongly about real love. and i feel his grief, his inner pain. and because his wife cannot speak, i almost feel obligated to speak on her behalf. i hope, if i were to die before my husband, that someone will defend my undying love, and the pact my man and i had made to eachother while alive. i hope i have reached ur inner consciousness and made a deeply profound impact upon u. and any others out there who have a similiar situation. people, respect widows AND widowers, who only want to quietly go on for the remainders of their lives in this world continuing to love their one and only, being 100% FAITHFUL AND LOYAL TO A PROMISE THAT WHILE SOME OTHERS IN THIS WORLD may not truly understand, should respect . we should all have a sense of caution when we find out some one is widowed , widowered. it should be a question posed right away, as to what their intentions are for any types of future relationships or friendships. so its in the open. and u dont get ur heart broken.or hopes high. i pray u will have the consciousness and beauty within to look at this man with total admiration, and give him what he wants. if u love him, let him go.his heart is already belonging to his wife. no amount of seduction or cunningness and womanly wiles can change that, if hes adamant about it. good luck my dear. i hope i have said everything right, without offending you. and i hope his wife may rest a little better, in her grave, and that her grief may end knowing her husband still is true to her memory. and his promise.
A
female
reader, katie95183 +, writes (3 March 2009):
I think you should wait and see what happens. He is just frightened and scared thats all. He refers to you as 'good friends' just to try and make himself feel less scared of the situation. He obviously loves you deeply and you know that. I do understand though 5 years is a long time without moving in together or having more commitment. belive me though he loves you to bits sometimes people try and use words to try and make them selves feel better. Is there any way you or he could move nearer to eachother?
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