A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was in a bar with my boyfriend last night, and there was a pub quiz happening. I wasn't participating, but I heard one of the questions, which was about golf. I generally know nothing about sports, but for some random reason I knew the answer to this one, so I said it out loud. My boyfriend said 'Wow, these questions are so easy, even YOU know the answer!'. When someone says something that could be taken as a bit hurtful but might not be intended to be so, I generally try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't think he was trying to wound my feelings here - and it's true that I know nothing about sports! Also, I don't like confrontation, and so I tend to laugh in situations that seem stressful, and try to find humour in them. I giggled about his comment, and I teased him about it for a while, turning it into a joke by pretending to be the 'little woman' who was clueless about everything. My teasing was meant in an entirely uncritical and light-hearted way. But he took umbrage and said he hated it, and that I should know this because he has told me that he was bullied at school. I love my partner more than anything, and the last thing I would ever want to do would be to hurt his feelings. I feel dreadful. Am I a bully? I was awake half the night worrying about this. Some context is relevant here: I was the one who asked my partner out. He was quite cautious about starting a relationship with me, though he's always said that this was because he is just naturally cautious. For practical reasons that I won't go into here (they relate to a separate domestic violence issue with my ex-partner) we moved in together very early in the relationship, which put strain on it at a nascent stage. My partner has been unfailingly kind in supporting me through two years of nightmare in which my ex has repeatedly stalked me, threatened me, stolen many of my possessions, and flooded and trashed the house that we jointly own, leaving me with the damage. I honestly cannot praise highly enough everything he has done to help and support me. However, perhaps partly as a result of this early pressure, my partner has had spells of doubts about the relationship that have seemed to come out of nowhere and to be unrelated to any real issues or conflict. We have weathered these, but my self-esteem has been left in tatters and I feel anxious a lot of the time. I worry a lot that I am putting pressure on him to be involved in something he really doesn't want here - that the whole relationship is about me bullying him. Sometimes I think that I should leave him, even though it would break my heart, because it would be the right thing to do to give him space and freedom. I have tried talking to him about it, and he said absolutely unequivocally he is happy, and was very sweet and kind saying I was perfect for him and how much he liked having me around. But I can't get rid of the nagging uncertainties I feel. I think partly my anxiety is also due to the situation with my ex, which has been really scary, and also just a tiny bit due to the practicalities of the situation (if my partner dumps me, I will be homeless). Even though I know it will never happen to someone like me, I find myself constantly fantasizing about him proposing marriage to me, just because I seek security and comfort. I know this is stupid. It's my birthday today and I felt just horrible opening the gifts he'd so kindly bought for me, because from my end the relationship is wonderful and perfect, yet from his perhaps it isn't, and maybe he feels obliged to do these things rather than actually wanting to do them. The uncertainty is wearing me down and I am not eating or sleeping well. Please help.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 I don't get it- he makes a comment that , even if said jokingly, is surely not flattering and borderline offensive ( implying that in general you are disinformed and clueless )... then YOU are the bully ?
How's that ?
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 I really do think from what you've written that your boyfriend is happy with your relationship- albeit naturally cautious.
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