A
female
age
51-59,
*askin
writes:Hi, im not sure how to write about this.My best friend and I have been friends since we were 18 years old. We have now been friends for 20 years. We have shared many highs and many lows.We are completely different in terms of taste for guys, education interests and career choices made.I like to think that we all come from different walks of life and should appreciate our differences.During our teens, we were both plagued by being bulimics but she was effected worse than I. Consequently, was told by doctors that she would have difficulties seeing a pregnancy through and as a result, she has suffered several miscarriages.As individuals, we have both our strenghts and weaknesses, but looking back i often felt that her journey was about her quest to recovery. As im distant towards my family, my friends always meant more. She betrayed me with an ex boy friend but i forgave her, as i felt that as grown up women we could not remain on non speaking terms over a man! (a very stupid one too!!!).We had stayed on non speaking terms for over 5 years before reconciling our friendship, but all was forgiven- or so i thought. She grew very resentful as his family rejected her and she suffered a miscarriage. At every opportunity she would put down my nationality and my faith. She would drag up the issue in front of others. I reasoned with her but she continued. I felt that thoguh she was venting her anger, she was also disrespecting me and our friendship.I sometimes think she was troubled by her earlier relationships where was a victim in abusive relationship. Since then, she would get into relationships with men who again were un savoury. But i never judged her as she was my friend. If asked i would always give an honest opinion.She also disliked the industry i worked in and forever made critical comments. Once again, i pleaded with her to stop, but it fell on deaf ears. I never once made commenst about her as i was so very proud of her achievements but often wondered why she failed to consider my feelings?We both reached incredible heights within our careers, but where as i liked to maintain friendships outside my sector, i noticed that her entire life, friendships and relationships were centered aorund her job. Nonetheless, i still stood firm and wouldnt be swayed by my family who disliked her on every level.I noticed her being very different and distant. When ever i tried to have a discussion, she would refuse to listen but would at every opportunity continue to look down at me. I felt that i would be there for her, but when i needed her, she was no where to be found. We would talk when she wanted to talk.One day i finally snapped and refused to answer her calls but was soon faced with bitter texes. She then accuse me being the cause of miscarriage (by now for the third time with twins). Her comments hurt more than i could have imagined but decided to cut ties.Since we reconciled our difference five years ago, i always felt cautious. Other friends would warn me off her. I always felt that the friendship died many years ago.I often wonder how she is but feel that the respect, loyalty and trust has gone. I wish her good luck in her life but often wonder if i made the right choice or whether i was too harsh? I have become very weary and try not get too close to any one now as i trust no one.
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female
reader, AlwaysHereToHelp! +, writes (7 March 2011):
 Hello :) This woman has been through a lot in her life and unfortunately she has thrown all of her mistakes at you. "We always hurt the ones we love, the ones we shouldn’t hurt at all." It’s an old saying and I think this matches what your old friend has done to you. First of all I do not think you were too harsh at all, we all have a certain tolerance level and it can snap at anytime. Unfortunately, some people can take out things they can’t control on people around them and often can spit harsh abuse at them. The thing she said about her miscarriages being your fault is truly terrible and anyone with a right mind would get rid of that friend straight away. I do think you are right though in saying that your friendship died years ago, as a vital part of being a friend is being there for each other and it sounds like she was not willing to be there for you. It’s very hard when something like this happens, to be able to trust anyone at all, but be open minded and sometimes it always helps to tell someone something that’s been lingering in your mind. Bottling it up is the worst thing to do. Perhaps if you do really miss this friend a lot you could start talking again, but I would be wary. Don’t get too close and with this friend. I think it would be best not to trust her with anything big as it is apparent she has a lot of her own problems to worry about :/
A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (7 March 2011):
 You were a good friend for as long as you could be to this woman. You forgave her for the wrongs she caused you but ultimately had to end the friendship, and rightly so in my opinion.So now I think it is time for you to forgive yourself. None of her problems were your fault. It is time to open yourself up to the good people around you and find friendship again. You DO deserve it, never let yourself think differently for one second. It would be a crime to allow this one bitter woman to take all the joy out of the rest of your life. I agree with you... friends are more important than boyfriends and even family because we choose to have them in our lives. I hope you allow someone special to choose you in the near future.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Honest +, writes (7 March 2011):
 This must have been incredibly painful for you and I'm sorry to read about it! I think you made the right decision. I think you went above and beyond the call of duty for your friend which is admirable but perhaps she was a little out of reach. It sounds like she was very damaged, and perhaps very jealous of you? Either way, she needs help, and I hope you know that what happened was because of the stuff she had going on, not anything to do with you as a person or friend. Sadly, not everyone can be saved. In terms of not getting close to someone-don't close the world out. This one hurt you so badly because she had been your friend for so long, and she was self-destructive and drove away her rock. It doesn't mean everyone else will do the same. Try talking to your existing friends about how you feel about friendships, you might find it comforting to have their support. Also, their outrage on your behalf might make you feel a little less cynical about friendship. If you really feel like there are unresolved issues that are affecting your ability to form attachments, it might be worth talking to someone about it. You'd be surprised how much they can help you understand what happened and to move on from it. Just a suggestion though. You sound like a very lovely friend, don't deprive people of having the opportunity to have you as one!
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