A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have recently seperated from my husband of 20 years. I have confided in lots of friends through this seperation for support and comfort. One of those friends happens to be male. He is married and I am also friendly with his wife, although I've known him for nearly 18 years and her only through their marriage. He has been a genuine rock of support but lately he has started flirting and saying things that I feel cross the line. He has told me that he has always been attracted to me and that he has been in love with me for many years. If I'm being honest, I would say I am attracted to him as well, but I'm also wise enough to know that attention during a difficult time (seperation, divorce) is always welcomed and can be abused due to a sense of loss and lonliness. He continues to call me multiple times a day and now he has asked if we could get together and talk. He wants to explain to me how deep his feelings are, how long they have exsisted. When I question him of his marriage, he assures me there is no love there. That it has long been empty and he stays for the sake of their children. I told him that he has an obligation to his family and that if he is unhappy, he has a responsibility to himself to change it, but I didn't think that would involve pursuing me...I have always cared about him, our friendship, but now I am starting to wonder if there is something more to our relationship and that perhaps it may be worth exploring. Am I being foolish?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): by you continuing your friendship with this married man, you are actually indulging in an emotional affair with him as well. you are allowing him to steal from his wife and family.
you are a smart woman. this guy is testing the waters to see if you are game. how can he not respect you? how can you not respect yourself.
after 20 years, yes you would like to move on and to find love but please not someone elses husband. this man is using you, his kind words, his beautiful words for one thing only - he wants sex on the side. ou know he will never leave his wife. do you want to be known as a home wrecker, as someone who commits adultry. if your Married friend wants to have an affair, then he needs to o it with someone else. his attentive ways, phoning you and just being around has made you "available" in his eyes.
he needs to know that you are not available to him. you have more pride and respect for yourself even if he doesn't have this for you. i am so glad you have realised that "i will not involve myself with this person as ultimately, he is unavailable, in so many ways. Guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. " Good for you. Please stick to this resolution no matter ho hard it may seem like some days.
However be careful the more he is in your life the more your emotional affair will consume you and then your resolution will not matter. by then you ill have crossed the line and then only you will be to blame.
Take care and good luck. Hey, i am certain there are other avaiable men out there only too willing to give it a try with an upright, morally sound, mature woman WITH INTEGRITY. Guess what, that woman may just be YOU.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to say thank you to everyone that responded to my post. It seems pretty clear that there could be no happy ending for anyone in this type of situation... I will not involve myself with this person as ultimately, he is unavailable, in so many ways. Guess I just needed to hear it from someone else.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009): Run, don't walk, away from him. I have been in just such a relationship for four years. It is heaven and it is hell. I don't want to break up his marriage, but our years together have bonded us and we love each other. I am a widow and it all began when he was comforting me. Although there is no way I am going to break this off as I can't imagine life without him, yet I live with terrible guilt and misery. Don't go there. Getting in is a lot easier than getting out! Someone is going to suffer and it is probably you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): You don't say anything about leaving this relationship. You just want to know if you are being foolish or not. I think you are selfish. You know very well you are walking on thin ice here.
You are ready to substitute the problem of your divorce with the problem of: 'I love him but he is married; I've suffered so much, I deserve to be happy'. If you know so much about how you should not be getting involved with married men then Why are you doing it? His marriage is over but he is stayig for the kids? PLEEEASE the oldest trick in the book!! I'm sure he is being the one who's sabotaging his own marriage just to have and excuse to be with you.
You are thinking only about yourself here. So you are suffering your divorce and are planning on 'fixing' that making another woman suffer her own divorce?, PLUS she is your friend? This is wrong in so many levels.
So he has been in love with you for many years? Just the thing you needed to hear for an instant ego boost. He has already been unfaithful with his wife by emotionally cheating on her. How can you feel good about yourself when you are being the reason why he is divorcing? Do you know how his children are going to suffer? Are you so selfcentered you don't care about his children losing the stability of their home because you feel you deserve to be loved? If he divorces his wife even when allegedly "they don't love each other anymore" what awaits those children is pure hell and suffering. Plus they'll never like you because you are the 'friend' that betrayed their mom.
You were married at a very young age. You need to be alone now. You need to get to know yourself. There are many things about yourself you can only discover in solitude. You need to think and reflect on the mistakes you made on your past relationship so you'd learn from them and not
do them again.
You are not in condition to make any long term decisions
right now. You should not see this guy anymnore. Tell him you need time to think. Tell him you appreciate the time and attention he has given you but you cannot do that to your friend. Tell him that he should not take advantage of the vulnerability of your situation. If he really loves you as he says he does he will understand. If he continues to call you after this is not because he is romantic but because he is a manipulative egotistical idiot. Of course you'll love this.
I think eventually, he'll get tired of you too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): You're a smart woman and I'm very sorry to hear about your marriage disposition. Though I know you are going through tough times right now at least you are still logical about it all and havent surrendered to the state of the situation that may lead you to make irrational decisions.
Even though there may be something there between you and him, there is no future for it because he is a married man. Best bet is to back away from it all as it sounds like he is the one pursuing you. Nothing good will come out of it since he is attached. Give yourself some time to focus on you, clear yourself of any angst, pain, get back out there and go for the ones that are single/unattached.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (24 April 2009):
 You have said all the right things....
Unfortunately it seems as though this man saw your separation as an opportunity to look for a trade in on his own marriage.
This is no friend. He is using you rather than dealing with his own issues. If he was a real man, de would try to fix things with his own wife.
Only bad things can come of this, believe me. And let me put it to you this way....
Would you like to be known in your community as a homewrecker? Because regardless of how this man ends his marriage, even if he did so before you two begin a physical relationship, no one will believe you either way.
Sadly even if you got together under the best of intentions, your peers that you know would look upon you as such.
Who's to say that after a few months with you he wont be looking to trade you in for an upgrade?
Back away from this guy totally and let him work on his marriage. He owes that much to his wife. Don't let the cloud of being a co-conspirator hang over you the rest of your life
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A
female
reader, cattatonic +, writes (24 April 2009):
 I don't think you are being foolish, but it is dangerous territory because he is married. No one should stay in an unhappy marriage, regardless of having children. Your children should see a happy marriage not an unhappy one...after all you don't want them to repeat what you (or he rather) is doing.
I would only get involved if he separated or divorced, if not you are the one who is going to get hurt.
Hope this helps! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): I was in a similar situation and it became an emotional hell. There are many pitfalls in getting involved with a married man. There is a really good book about the psychology of how you lose your esteem and get emotionally sucked in. Go to an online book store or your local book store and look for a book called: "Dating a Married Man: Memoirs from the "Other Women"
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