A
female
age
30-35,
*hr-!
writes:Me and this guy...We fancied each other for ages, about three months, but never went out. Suddenly he went out with one of my best friends. It's causing secrecy and lies in our friendship group, her and another friend feel they have to go off in private to talk about the relationship. It's splitting our group up a bit. I have many friends supporting me and they condemn the relationship, but it feels as though I am being betrayed by this friend. It also feels like I am being betrayed by the one friend who supports her, as she secretly is setting up dates for them and telling them to kiss...etc. She wouldn't like it if i set another friend up with the guy she likes! (who is also a friend...its all very confusing) Anyway..i am good friends with both the girl and the guy, making it that much harder to forget about it. I don't want to cut them out my life, as it would mean cutting out half of my friends also. Oh and also..this girl..she was his girlfriend eight months ago..she dumped him after two weeks cause she was 'bored'. It feels as though I have been betrayed/rejected and lied to all in one. I want to remain friends with them but i don't know if I can, as it pains me to see them together. She just came back along and swooped him up again, and he fell for it.How on Earth should I handle this? I still really like him, and they both know that I do, but go on regardless.
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male
reader, Dr. John  +, writes (10 February 2007):
 Sweetheart,
things like this hurt, and sometimes hurt badly. And it may seem like this situation will never improve. Let me assure you it will.
In my own experience I was hurt in a similar way and even though the injury has healed the scars are still there.
You see, I grew up with a very close female friend from the time I was eight years old. I adored her. When I reached age 21 I wanted a wife and children. At that time it didn't seem to be happening quickly enough for me, and Marilou, this girl's name, indicated to me that she wasn't ready for any kind of relationship as yet, so I started playing the field a bit. I started going with someone else that I had known for about the same amount of time but had not paid much attention to until we had gotten into high school.
While I was going with this one, Taryn, she told me that she knew Marilou really did like me a lot. That hit me right in the gut.
Well, I figured I should just live with the decisions I have made and went on.
Awhile later after we had gotten engaged I had occasion to lose my temper. It was not at Taryn but believe me, at that time in my life I had a horrible temper and I would do anything to almost anyone or anything that got in my way for any reason!
If you want to know how to end a relationship this is the way. Just to see me in such a rage scared her so badly that she broke up with me forthwith.
After licking my wounds and recouping for a few days I decided that it might not be a bad idea to go and visit Marilou again.
I found out from her mother she had gotten a job and she wasn't home but should be home shortly. She pulled into the driveway just then.
When she came in she was just glowing. I thought for sure she was excited to see me. It didn't take long for me to find out the real reason she was so happy.
She told me she was seeing someone and talking about marriage. I did my best to seem happy for her and soon after, dismissed myself. I got on my motorcycle and decided to just ride, tears streaming. When I came to a railroad crossing the signal arms came down as the bells sounded. I was so hurt at that time, I figured I could just gun the bike and end it all by getting hit by the train. I jerked the throttle and the front wheel came off the ground, but at the last instant a flash of sanity came over me and I laid the bike down. I laid there sobbing for several minutes then thought; With my luck I probably would have mistimed it, hit the side of the train and ended up paralized for life. I chuckled a little with that thought, picked myself and my bike up and tearfully rode home and went to bed.
It wasn't too long after that, that I met the girl who would bear my children and has been happily married to me for almost 27 years. We were married on the first day of Spring in 1980 in Mount Vernon Washington, but that is another story in itself.
The point I am making is that even though things may seem grim at the time, you never know the outcome of the future.
Hang in there and give yourself some time but don't hold back from letting them know your feelings. If you do you may lose a couple of good friends and at the same time end up taking a path you may never have to have taken in the first place. In short, you don't have to wear your feelings on your sleeve but don't hesitate to let them know your feelings and where you stand on the matter.
I sincerly hope things go well for you. Doc.
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (30 January 2007):
 Hi there
At your age liking a guy should be fun not complicated. You liked him and he went for another girl tough he lost a good girl so move on. This is the age where relationship is unheard of, its time for fun don’t allow bf baggage to come between u and your friends it’s not worth it. You will like another guy soon then another until you are old enough to be in a serious relationship don’t let this guy thing get to you. Allow yourself to grow up first, rushing into this kinda of adult life will make you grow faster and u will skip the most important steps in your life which means you will have so many regrets later in your life and believe me you don’t wanna go thru that emotional baggage its no fun at all.
You have so much to live for, if your friend like him let her have him I know its easier said than done but it’s true. You will know when you are older that you shouldn’t have wasted your time on him. And loosing friends over a guy is not on, so be the mature one and tell them you don’t care if she has him or not but your friendship is more than that, you will see they will see things the way you see them. They are only keeping secrets because they know you liked him and uncomfortable with the way things had turned out. Once you are open with them you will see they wont keep anymore secrets. Hope your friendship survives this.
jovial
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A
female
reader, cseame  +, writes (30 January 2007):
 Depending on which girl the guy likes is who he should be with...and if he chooses the other girl over you it is his loss....
I think you should just let them go on..and stay away from them for awhile...as it's obviously hurting a lot to see them together....but another suggestion would be to confront both of them first and tell them how it is goin for you..if they really are your friends then they should care if they have hurt you..its gonna take guts i'll tell you that but its better to get it all out and done with so that you won't be confused...if they don't care you feel that way then you know to not be apart of it anymore.
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