A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Alfredo has been one of my very good friends for a long time. But as you know female-male friendships are a lil hard keep. Eventually it happened, we had a lil too much to drink and we had sex... then it happened again.. and again..We became sort of casual sex partners, we talked about and we agreed that we were still friends(that had sex) and nothing more, no feelings, no atttachments. It worked well for awhile. But now I find myself thinking about him sometimes, and wanting to spend more time with him, craving his attention. I know this isnt good, so I try to hide it. I want something real, time passes by and i want more than just sex.. Though we agreed to nothing else, he gets a lil jealous when other males are near me, when guys call/text.. If he has a feeling I am meeting with a guy, he'll try to ask me to do somwthing with him so I don't go to my dates. I don't know what to do. Part of me just thinks I should stop.. but again part of me doesnt want to stop.What should I do? Anyone else in this situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): OP decide what you want first. Don't base you decision on how he feels. First decide if you want a relationship or you want to return to being friends.
Then go ask him how he'd feel about taking it further or stopping the sex.
That way if he says he doesn't feel that way and just wants to continue being FWB's you'll know what you want and can make your decision based on what's best for you.
A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (5 November 2010):
 I had A friend who we were truly platonic friends, and one day he met a young woman and she was a little more advanced sexually then he was and so was I. We always talked about sex but never crossed the line. Until one day he called and said I'm not sure were we draw our line as friends, but I need a favor, and If the answer is NO. I need your forgiveness for me even asking you what I'm ABOUT to ask you. He asked me to teach him how to give Oral sex. I said sure, Come right over. I had and Orange,sitting out, I taught him the basic's on that orange, it was SEX! between friends! It had it's benefits from what I hear! So I suggest to you that while making your decision tonight, "Give him an Orange to do, instead of you" And That will let him know you're not using up all your fruit a friend, You want your own man" IJS! No Watered Advice Here!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): I think you need to put the sex on hold and tell him how deeply you feel. If he doesn't return your feelings, then you need to end the relationship. You will never be able to go back to being just friends again, and if you want something more, than you can't continue as you are now.
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A
female
reader, lulu31  +, writes (4 November 2010):
 heyyy,I think that,if you like this man and think that it could go somewhere you should talk to him about it.It seems that he cares who your with and get's jelous and whats the harm in asking if he wants anything more? If you do decide to say something to him but he just wants to keep things as it is,if your not happy i don't think staying in that position would help things,if your worried he'll be a little scared if you just come out with the big question 'so,is this going anywhere else?' then don't be,because guys like to know what your feeling,they dont like asking you all the time,Good luck and i hope things work out :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): wow are you dating my boyfriend? LOL... sounds like him
he wants the same with me... we went from BF/GF to FWB... his name is also alfredo... you dont live in chicago do you? LOL
hmmm hes jealous because he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. but he doesnt want a commitment. if you want to committ to him he would most likely be fine with that but do not expect the same from him. he will date other girls. my advice? RUN.
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male
reader, Fineguy277 +, writes (4 November 2010):
You should ask him what he wants out of the relationship. If he wants to be 'just friends', then you have to stop having sex by reducing the amount of time you spend with him and look for someone who loves you. Otherwise, you will be his sex buddy until he finds someone he loves. He'll then dump you claiming that you are 'just friends'. During that time, you may not have the strength to look for someone else. Choose not to be a victim and take charge of your destiny. As long as you keep seeing him, you will keep having sex. You need to gradually reduce the amout of time you spend with him while you look for someone else (if he is not interested in taking things further as in a relationship).
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (4 November 2010):
 Truly, there is no such thing as friends with benefits. Eventually one or the other person's heart will grow fonder and it will either break or be loved. Friends with benefits is just a layed back way to gain a proper relationship with another person and most of them almost always mature into a full relationship
Some FWB's however don't, because It's only when the one who offers to start with the FWB believes it would be a good way to get to know the other significant better in the hope he/she falls in love with him/her. Only then its too late. And the one who offered FWB realises that the other significant didn't really have any emotional feelings all along. That's when it doesn't turn into a relationship but rather a disappointment.
I would start to move on if you can and if it's not too late. Or you could have one more crack at it and lay the hard word and ask him if he wants to take the relationship a step further. See how it goes ...
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice I appreciate it all. I am still debating on what to do bc I am not sure exactly how he feels. But your opinions really give me some food for thought, hopefuly I can make a decision tonight =)
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female
reader, kellyO +, writes (4 November 2010):
 Dear Anom,
I think you should be open and honest. Tell him you cant continue and would like to stay friends as you have now developed feelings for him and want more.
He either accepts and stays friends if he isnt ready yet for something serious or he goes along with something serious.
All the best
Kelly
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (4 November 2010):
 Well, what's wrong with being more than friends with benefits? Why can't you just be boyfriend and girlfriend? You should just ask him.
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A
female
reader, dancergirl +, writes (4 November 2010):
 this is the exact same thing that happened to me and my best friend. We were amazing friends, just like all friends even if we were male and female, then we started kissing casually and quite frequently, and eventually we started getting off, and we kept going and going for a few months, still not dating eachother, i werent sure why we wanted to do all these things if we didnt go out, until i said to him i feel guilty whenever we do something knowing we dont go out, and then he asked me out, and its the best thing that ever happened to me, we are still best friends too, you could have that with this guy if you give it a chance, i did, and i dont regret any of it.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (4 November 2010):
you can do only one of two things - 1) stop the sex and stay friends or 2) take it into a relationship.
it seems clear from what you say that both of you have feelings for each other and you need to discuss it and then you will have a better idea of what each of you want and where you go from here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Either start a proper relationship or stop having sex.
You've learned now the hard way what the deal FWB's is, you add romance to a friendship (sex is an act of romance not friendship) and one or both you will develop feelings. That's the way it goes.
So you have two options, talk to him about becoming more than friends or stop having sex with him.
The third option is to keep doing what you're doing, fall ever more in love with him and have your friendship ruined because it hurts you too much.
Make your choice.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 November 2010):
 Alfredo is his name??
Male-female friendships aren't hard to keep, you just have to look at them in a different light, such as the brotherly type.
By chance did the 2 of you set any rules in this FWB? Such as you two are only sleeping with each other and not anyone else, due to the risk of STDS? That would be a smart idea. So it started off as FWB but like every female in a FWB (there are some that don't get emotionally involved, very few though) you start to develop feelings. This is why I say women just aren't cut out for FWBs due to our emotions. You're trying to hide it, but you notice him getting jealous. It's possible he maybe developing feelings as well. I will say this rarely do FWBs turn into a relationship. Why? Because you skipped the part of wooing, courtship, proper dates, and went straight to it being all about sex. In the rare event that these FWBs backtrack and get into a relationship it hardly lasts..because the relationship is still about sex. But, you could prove me wrong and it could work out for you. I'm just saying it's not likely to happen.
So now, talk to him and see what is exactly going on with his jealousy, then admit that you harbor feelings for him. He may decide to rewind and try out a relationship or he may break it off..since you've developed feelings and that's a no-no in a FWB.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 November 2010):
 Yes i think you should stop darling because it just doesnt work, its quite hard to try and have sex continously without starting to have feelings develop within you sex is quite an intimate act and this is why these feelings start to develop.
If you really dont think that you have it in you to stop this then its time to come clean with your friend and be honest, you never no he might be feeling the same as you but is keeping his feelings to himself as well. Be honest with him and tell him you cant keep just having sex with him as you are starting to develop feelings for him and you dont want to end up being hurt.
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female
reader, sweetheart6  +, writes (4 November 2010):
Let's answer your problem part by part, ok?
Firstly, even though you guys agreed to just sex, it doesn't work that way. That's because it's just programmed in your genes. Without you knowing it, you're each others' possessions. Of course he's possessive about you! He's getting all masculine and "she's mine"!
Secondly, your hormones are messing with you, big time! When two people have sex, they grow atttached to each other emotionally too (especially the woman). Women have a bad habit of marrying men in their heads, don't they?
Listen, sweetie, if you guys have a lot of things in common (since you're good friends and all, to begin with), and if you guys hit it off like you're designed for each other, it makes sense to talk to him about it and take this further. If that's not a good idea, then you should stop everything and stay away from him. He should either have you as a proper girlfriend or not at all. There is no "in-between" and he cant prevent you from going out with other men forever. Besides, it'll be quite messy with any future boyfriend, trying to explain your relationship with your friend. Surely, when you do have another boyfriend, you'll stop sleeping with Alfredo. But the new man will always have his suspicions. Careful, dear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): You just need to ask yourself some questions?
Do you fancy him?
Does his good opinion mean more to you than others, or even your own?
Do you think about him spontaneously? eg. first thing in the morning?
Does your heart skip a beat when you see him/ breathing quicken/excitement increase
Do you dream about him?
If the answer is yes to some of these questions, then maybe you guys should talk about being less friends and more lovers.
If the answer is no, or even, "I'm not sure" (cause believe me, when you feel it, you're SURE), then either stick to the "plan" or stop while you guys are still friends
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