A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am in a bit of an awkward dillema at the moment, and i am grateful for anyone who has the patience and is lenient enough to read this thoroughly.I am currently studying at university alongside this guy (who i shall name D for confidential reasons) who is associated in my friendship clique. For some bizzare reason, his behaviour has been confusing around me. Iam going to summarise this by cutting the long story short.His behaviour changed a little around me when we were all going out clubbing one night. I had a niggling instinct that he was staring at me when one of my friends was giving instructions to me on how to play a drinking game that i was unsure of. After we had left the accomodation, i had the sensation that he was being a little excessively friendly with me. I am aware that he is naturally friendly by nature, but i was unsure as to whether he was intentionally flirting with me or not. He was asking me slightly personal questions about my weight (iam naturally very slender)and what I consumed throughout the day. I did not disclose any information to him, and he finished his sentance off by telling me to never change and I was perfect the way I was. I acknowleged it and D was pretty intent on wanting to known where i was living in my new halls of residence (could have just asked out of curiosity), but i didnt tell him.When we both approached the night club, it was relatively crowded and he asked me to hold his hand and so i did. When we got to the bar, he asked me my opinion on whether his hair suited him or not.When my 2 friends C and N arrived, D had an argument with them, and he refused to speak to me, he preferred to be left alone, but when C persuaded him to tell her what was wrong (D only views C as a sister figure), he did, then all of a sudden he wanted me to speak to him again.I was very reluctant to in which i had a valid reason to, and he briefly carressed my cheek by demanding that i speak to him again. I pretended to forgive him, gthen pretended everything was ok the next day. 2 months later when we received our exam results, I greeted him, and he said to me I havent seen you in ages and he pulled me closer to him which lasted for 8 seconds maximum and i pulled away. The week after that, me, D and C went down to the local pub and I didnt feel as much of a connection or chemistry with him, seeing as he was the one doing all of the small talk, it just felt slightly like an interrogation rather than a friend conversation. I occasionally gave D clipped responses to convey that I was bored of him. I forgot to mention that i distrust and are wary of slightly overly friendly guys.I am contemplating on whether I should cut ties on this so called friendship scenario, I would appreciate any constructive advice or solutions. I am trying to not over analyse any of his previous behaviour around me. Thankyou xx
View related questions:
clubbing, flirt, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 October 2011):
 if this were me in your shoes, and a guy was interrogating me, getting up close and personal, (by asking very personal questions) and attempting to run the agenda too early (asking you to hold hands so early on).
The hands thing? Who was he trying to impress? It takes more than holding hands to make it a 'relationship'
Trust me, there are more clues.
But all these clues I can see (collectively) add up to a socially inept guy. Sure he may tip the scales in IQ tests. He may even look very smart in his area of expertise. But IQ is not the only type of inner smartness.
Because this guy may fail his EQ (emotions quest
He's not subtle. His being 'excessively friendly demeanor seems too forced
His interview style of trying to get to know you with 40 questions would be a turn off for many women.
And when you did not respond to some of his questions did he stop? Most people would get the non-verbal hint (to stop). But not him. Where is his empathy that he needed to stop asking too many very very personal. I would not like this guy in charge of a shop/boat/plane' as I question is 'judgement' issues.
His argument with your friends was out of order. He showed his displeasure immediately that he wanted you all to himself. So he engineered an argument to try to get rid of your friends. Infantile unacceptable behavior. Not mature.
And then the overly familiar stroking of your cheek. and that after you had given him clipped responses? This guy is not picking up your clues.
I think he is potentially manipulative and even worse.
Would I give him a wide berth? Absolutely YES.
I think he is potentially bad news. And a guy lacking in social graces. And lacking empathy.
There are nicer more pleasant guys who
will be more fun to be with.
Guys who have the social skills to get on well, and diplomatically with your friends. Guys who can converse without interrogation techniques.
Guys with a sense of humor. And guys who do not try to cross your boundaries until they have correctly read your signals.
Guys who are fun to be with and have the ability to have a two way conversation with you. And allow the relationship to progress at a mutually agreed pace. And don't try to push/force the intimacy too soon.
Good luck with finding a nice guy who is far less hard work than this socially inept guy.
A person can be highly intelligent, even have a PHd, and yet be very socially dumb. Like this guy.
And a guy could have come from the rough side of life, never attended University, and yet have amazing street skills - then developed business skills, be a thorough gentleman, be honorable, have immense social skills at getting on well with people. And be a real succes at attending to his business and being a self
made man. I know that seems like an extreme versus the University educated guy.
And there are many wonderful University educated guys who also have all the good skills of the self made man described above
So both a University educated man and the described self made man - (IF both had the other social skills I listed for the self made man) - both such men are
worthy of your consideration.
Whereas the guy interrogating you, manipulating, being argumentative, being overly familiar at the wrong time? He may be smart at the subjects he studies. But as a potential close friend? No. I think he is far too much work. Too many potential hassles.
That's my view of this guy.
But you are the one who counts. And ultimately it is your decision alone that really counts.
Good luck with this.
Abella
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): If your natural guard is up against D and your instincts are telling you to not trust them, that's the best advice you'll get from anyone...from yourself! Stop questioning yourself and you can let this go and think about guys you don't have to analyse and can date who you feel good about! For the record, D let things sit for 2 months and did nothing so I don't think he's worth your brain power thinking about.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 It is really your decision to make. To me it sounds like you are over thinking his behaviour and you are breaking everything down to mean something and it might just be the case that this is just his personality. To me it sounds like you might like this guy but you are trying to hide it because you don't want to get hurt. If you like him well then tell him and see what happens if you don't well then just keep away from him. Its as simple as that.
...............................
|
