A
female
age
36-40,
*elmel
writes:Hi, lately me and one of my best friends have been getting a lot closer. Whenever one of us is drunk we end up spending the night together. It has happened a few times now, but every time it comes to the next morning we have to pretend like it didnt happen as we are both worried what our friends will think.We havn't talked about what has been happening, until last week when we decieded we should stop that was until we went out on saturday night and other guys tried to pick me up, he got jealous and sad and i cant hurt him and we ended up hooking up again. Anyways we have anyways been very flirty and everyone says we have a special bond but i guess i just would like some advice on what i should do? Should i try and talk to him? Or just see where things go? Thanks and any advice would be greatly appreciated :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (6 October 2011):
 He does like you. And I think the feeling is mutual. Being Good friends First is one of the best indicators of a relationship that could develop "staying power." In fact I do not think a relationship is sustainable unless you are also friends, first and last. Sex is the icing on the cake but there is a whole lot more to a cake than the icing.
Though it seems you both prefer to muster the courage to be together with a few drinks first. Is that so you don't have to reveal to each other, yet, that you like each other? And prefer to allow the other to think it just happened, because you were feeling a little extra happy from the drinks?
Still pretending it was "just one of those things" in the morning. Is that being honest with each other?
Always remember that what other people think of you is none of your business. Why would it be unacceptable for the two of you to be together? Neither of you are in a relationship with any other party. You are both entitled to pursue a relationship so accept that you both have permission to do so. What you think of you is important. The goals you want to set yourself and achieve are important. The people you want to support and whose company you want to enjoy are things that deserve to be important to you.
There will always be petty boring critical people who want to pick holes in other people's ideas, values, aspirations, relationships, decisions, life decisions. But what they think of anyone is their problem. It is not your problem. Let them worry and gossip about every person in the world (good luck - that's 6 billion people they can criticize and comment on)
But what those people think of anyone has no bearing. It is irrelevant to you.
Just imagine if you decided to actually worry about the list of concerns that 6 billion other people might develop in their heads about you? You honestly do not have time. And nor should you find the time to worry about all things other people think you should do or should not do etc.
But if you want to change your hair color and you feel good about doing so, then do it. And laugh about anyone daring to criticize your choice. If they do not like your choice then that is their problem to worry about, not yours.
Let's say you want to go to Kakadu for your holidays and your friends want a sedate crusie down the Rhine? Well of course you go to Kakadu and wave them goodbye at the airport as they go off to cruise the Rhine. Even with good friends we do not have to do exactly as our "friends" demand or insist we should do. We have free will.
If you and he want to become and item and want to date then what impediment is there? If either of you think there is any kind of impediment then discuss it. Maybe it is not the impediment you think it is, if any perceived impediment is thought to exist.
You certainly do need to discuss why a random hook up with a guy you have just met in a bar is superior to a developing mutually exclusive committed and developing relationship with a guy you really like? Of course he was jealous. The guy likes you.
Allow this relationship to develop away from your friends occasionally. If the weather is nice schedule a picnic somewhere pleasant but far away enough that you will not run into your normal friends. Bring a bag of goodies for lunch. Give it some thought on Friday. There are places where you might be able to have a Barbeque in a public park? Just the two of you. Make a nice tray of chocolate brownies to have if you are still peckish after lunch.
Try to find a place where you could visit some local attraction at the same time. And a place where there are tables set out on lawn and seating. And just talk. Away from the glare of friends. And away from alcohol (as one of you will be driving, so one of you at least cannot drink) Find out more about each others hopes, dreams, aspirations, values etc. Or at least start talking about these things.
The following weekend maybe even book a weekend at a nice bed and breakfast place. And explore a region you have not visited before.
Two weeks away from your friends and they will all be agog. But when you do see your friends again you two will either be more solid or will at least know each other better and will be more able to face any ribbing from friends.
Keep flirting it is fun. Repartee is fun. Flirt when you are in the car together. And the next time you do decide to have sex ensure you are both stone cold sober and find out how much more fun it is when your senses are all firing without any added stimulants. If you still enjoy each other then, then you will know you both have a chance together.
And make sure every time he sees you that your hair has been washed, that you smell delicious every time. If you can find a Crabtree and Evelyn Outlet I recommend their "Nantucket" body lotion. (no I am not on a retainer - but it is delicious and not powdery nor too flowery. It is fresh and gentle and lovely.
And give him opportunities to talk. Silence is good between answers. A pause before you answer is good too. Guys get tired if you try to fill every silence with talking.
A couple at peace with each other could sit side by side on the pier, watching the water below. And feel completely at peace with the world. Just because you are sitting shoulder to shoulder beside each other, and know they love each other, just because they can feel each other leaning into each other. And just because they can feel how relaxed are the muscles in each others arms. No tension. Just love. Without any need for talking if the Simpatico is excellent.
Sometimes people think they need manic excitement to be happy. And sure occasionally some manic excitement can be a real turn on. But to sustain a relationship you need to feel utterly respected, utterly comfortable with the one you love. Best friends. A slow strong built up with trust. Trust earned bit by bit. Discussing your relationship with each other, not all your friends. Respecting confidences and never telling others important things discussed between you and the one you love.
When I guy knows he can utterly trust the one he is with and feels he NEEDS such a woman in his life, that his life would be LESS if you were not in his life. Then he is yours.
Of course committing to be absolutely faithful to each other is a given. If you feel like cheating then consider breaking up with him first. Once one party is unfaithful it is hard to recover the trust in a relationship. Just because ten other guys think you cute and attractive does not mean that you need to act on it. For it is not worth losing a real guy who you have developed a real trust and a real realationship with just for the sake of an empty flirtation.
Next time you are out concentrate on this guy and completely ignore any flirting from other guys. The guy you are with will feel ten foot tall for the respect you are showing him. Any guy and any girl can flirt.
It takes real people, whose words are genuine, to sustain a relationship.
Good luck
A
female
reader, charly-kins  +, writes (29 March 2008):
Tbh from personal experience, these 'one noight things' wouldn't be happening for no reason you both obviously have an attraction to eacother. Talk it through properly with them and just give it ago if u think it will work just promise eachother that you'll stay good mates if it doesnt end up happy ever after. As for ur mates it doen't matter wot they think and if they say u two have a special bond they probably rooting for u. Just give it ago theres nothing on the line if ur mature enough to let it pass if it doesn't work out . :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): hey, ive kinda had a similar experience with my mate except were now in different countries.
I worked with him when i was away repping, i had a boyfriend (his best mate)at the time but cos it was his mate aswell se always spent loads of time together.we were so close and i still feel like there this massive connection there.
i was moved resorts and separated from my boyfriend we were 1/2 hour away from eachother and I was living with our best mate, we go on like a house on fire, if i was out he was out, if i was stuck somewhere and needed a lift hed be there no q's asked, hed drive me back and forth between ours and my boyfriends..like you everyone said that there was'a spark' or 'something there' that 'you should be together' we kind of knew it but neither of us ever said cos i was happy in my relationship and he was happy being the ladies man...on one night out we were havng a chat about this girl he'd met...how much he really liked her and how he was scared of teling her and felt it hard as she had a b.f ...he went into a lot of depth and turns out that was me...i didnt know this until i had left the company and was home in the UK (having finished with my b.f and got a new one)
I flew out last year to visit him and to see some other people i used to work with he told me i could stay eith him which i did and he had a g.f atthe time...it was very rocky and they had just split up the day b4 i landed. I ended up getting with him and a lot of other people fell out with me over it a few say jealousy as there was only a select few people i told...its a hard situation but you know when your hapy and it sounds like he really looks after you, you dont always have connections with people like that...if it feels right..go with it hon...a lo of people worry what others think but the majority are out for themselves. make a choice for you to be happy...you know inside whats right and wrong, your worried enough for it to be playing on your mind by writing on here so use your own jugement to move forward...from my answer you'll feel an instant reaction weather you feel 'thats not right' or oh my god thats how i feel' the 1st initial reaction is usually the right one. I hope this rambling on has helped in some form x
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 Try doing it when you ain't drunk.
Sounds like you two at least care for each other. It may not be love... yet, but why not give it a try. You two are both single, probably enjoy the sex and share common intrests.
Couples have started from worse.
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