A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey there.I really don't want to sound like a teenage drama queen...but I feel like nobody really likes me and that a lot of people get the wrong impression of me, and that I also never click well with people, and it's really upsetting to me.I'm an 18 year old female, I'm not all that pretty and I'm not popular or anything like that, I'm a quiet and shy person and I tend to just not talk a lot, but I'm always very nice to everyone. My boyfriend is very popular and has a ton of friends. I think my boyfriend's friends are all great people and I try to be as nice as possible to them it's just I don't think they like me. Usually when my boyfriend and his friends are out or talking with each other and I'm around, I feel like an outcast. I'm usually always the only quiet one who never really has anything to say. And whenever I do try to talk I kind of get talked over by other people.I know my boyfriends friends think badly of me because of this because several of them have made comments such as "Why don't you ever talk?" "Why are you always so quiet?" "Do you not like us?" I have even been called a bitch a couple of times and that really hurt because I don't intentionally act like this it's just the way I am.I just wish people knew that I am a nice person even though I'm really quiet and shy. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): You really remind me of me. I was really like you (still am sometimes). I think for me it was because I was picked on at school. I think with age comes confidence and sometimes you even have to fake that (it stops the people talking over you part)
The other thing I found people like talking about themselves and good if you can remember things about them and say things like "hey how did the job interview go" and that way it shows you've shown an interest in them and opens the path for more interaction.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): I used to have serious social anxiety- and literally mentally froze up talking to people! It's horrible because people INTERPRET your withdrawal and silence as you being moody, stuck up and that you don't like them- my school years until about 15/ 16 I only had TWO friends, one was the school misfit- no lie. As in I had a lot of trouble asking for people even for the time- I just shut it completely lol. Do you find you're a naturally anxious person? Maybe it's more social anxiety than just mere shyness. And there's all kinds of medication out there to cure it. You seem unsure of yourself and unconfident? If so look into therapy and research social anxiety. Cos if you're living life unhappily, you need to take a deep look at yourself. If you dont already, get some interests and hobbies and pursue them- it does t matter what, anything you want! when you are passionate about something, you not only feel alive and better about yourself but you can find like minded people to chat with :) Just work o. feeling good about yourself and ease into it. Don't put pressure on yourself. Everyone's got something to offer, and if people aren't interested in you don't waste your energy on them, just yourself. Cindy gives some good tips for helping to get involved with conversations! Take care and post am update xxx :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 July 2013):
 ...But how would they know, in a social setting, that you are really nice, if you don't talk, don't join the conversation, don't partecipate to the success of the evening, don't join the fun ? ... They would have to live with you in your home, or to come to bed with you, or to be your childhood friends. They can know about you only what you show : and you show that you are the ONLY quiet one who has NEVER anything to say. You basically sit there like a suitcase , and watch them. That's not really so nice, because makes people uncomfortable. They may think you are bored with them, or you are snubbing them, judging them, can't make an effort, are there just on sufference etc.
I don't think thay hate you, and I don't even think they judge you horribly. It's just that we are not interested, gneerally, in people who are not interested in us. You put out little energy, little curiosity and enthusiasm for them- and you get the same back. It's normal.
Granted, their blunt comments " why do you never talk " don't make it any easier for a shy person. and as for calling you bitch, whaaat ?! Who dared, and why did your bf not set them straight about what's acceptable or not ?
Yet, try to wrap your head around this " that's just the way I am " only carries you so far, and it's not an universal justification for everything.
There are rules , spoken and unspoken, for social interaction, and if you want to play the game, you follow the rules. You make an effort for bringing your contribution to the group. If you are not a natural born storyteller and life of the party, fine. But you can, and you should, offer something of yourself- an opinion, a comment, a laugh. If they talk about something you don't know well, you can still ask questions, ask explanations, say " how come that... ? " or " Really ? I would have never guessed that... ", " This story was really funny " ..stuff like that.
A social meeting is not like a show, they talk and you watch: you are supposed to be part if the action, part of the play, even if in a very minor tiny supporting role.
There's a great book about the pathologies of human communication and the way people MIScommunicates , that remarks how the best and fastest way to make people mad is to greet a statement about something they feel excited or emotional about, with a stony silence. They made the experiment with several people, and, strange but true, people takes MUCH better being told " Hey , what you just said is total utter crap !" than "....". " .... " really rub them the wrong way, because is not like being contrasted, it's like being devaluated .
If you refuse to play by the rules, or just CAN'T play by the rules ( but I doubt it, just a token effort would be sufficient ! ) ... then perhaps it's wiser you and your bf stay home, in companionable silence.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): Honestly you don't have to do anything.If you feel like they don't like you, then you don't have to try hard just for them to like you.If they talk to you, then chat with them as normal as you can be. if they don't then just don't talk if you don't feel like talking.its better not to say something than to say something that you might regret afterwards. If being quiet and shy is your nature, so be it. You don't have to change that to please other people.Like me, I only talk to people, i am comfortable with. if I am not, I never waste my energy. I don't have to try hard.I have few friends but I can say these are friends, I can trust, I can talk with about my personal life, I can laugh with, without worrying that they might say something bad about me.Just be yourself. because if you change, their going to like someone your not. It would be better if their going to like you just the way you are.
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