A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 17, nearly 18 and I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 and a half months. I was not a virgin when I first started dating him - I lost my virginity to my ex boyfriend - but my current boyfriend is still a virgin. At the beginning of our relationship we discussed this, we both accepted each other for our sexual differences and agreed to wait for 2 months or so. He told me I was very understanding for waiting for him and everything was merry.Before we attempted sex - though our relationship was great - I did notice that my boyfriend would never casually call me beautiful, say "good morning beautiful" or comment on how he finds me attractive. I've never had confidence issues, I'm a UK size 8/10, and I know I'm not at all unattractive. And I know I shouldnt be comparing my ex-boyfriend to my current boyfriend, and it's not even a major thing, but I always compliment his body and appearance and try to make him feel good, and it does get me down a bit that I don't get it back.When I attempted to initiate sex for the first time, I dressed up for him into a schoolgirl outfit and invited him to my house. I'd planned it so we had hours alone, could shower together, and be as romantic as possible for his first time having waited the time he wanted to wait. Having dressed up for him, I was really quite offended and made to feel unattractive, unsexy and fat when he turned me down. Yet I considered that it could merely be because he is only a virgin. So I bought some more lube and protection and this time I waited for him to initiate or suggest a date for sex.The next attempt was at his house, and I was really excited. I bought some new lingerie, shaved everywhere, and was feeling sexy and confident. Yet after showering with him, giving him a strip tease, touching and kissing him all over, giving him a handjob and also oral, he was unable to maintain an erection for any longer than 5 minutes at a time and as a result when he put the condom on he became soft and couldn't enter me. I know he's a virgin and it must have been nerve racking, but I honestly tried to make it as nice as possible for him - and all of this just made me feel like a fat lump. To make it worse, he suggested that he should go to the bathroom and masturbate to make himself hard, suggesting that he not only finds me too unattractive to sleep with, he doesn't enjoy any of the sexual favours I gave him. I know for a fact that my ex-boyfriend enjoyed all of these - and so I had serious doubts about how attractive my current boyfriend finds me. I feel like I'm getting nothing out of it. I don't ask for any oral in return even though I enjoy it (I felt that would be asking too much of a virgin), I'm giving him everything I can and trying to be a sexy, confident girlfriend but I end up feeling unattractive and not even getting sex. To make it worse in the end he just gave up while I was waiting for him to get hard masturbating and came downstairs fully clothed.The same thing happened again, a week later. Yet this time he didn't have to lose his erection - he couldn't even get an erection. He went off to masturbate again, barely paid my own needs any attention and gave up again.I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing all my confidence because my own boyfriend doesn't want to sleep with me and finds me too unattractive to touch. All my friends boyfriends are crazy about sex - I'm not like that though, I just want to share an adult and intimate sexual relationship with him because I think it would make us closer. I don't know if I should break up with him and find someone who calls me beautiful and makes me feel sexy and desirable - but aside from these issues I enjoy his company and conversation. I'd like to preserve the relationship if I could.What can I say to him to help preserve the relationship? And how can I ensure he stops making me feel unattractive?
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condom, confidence, erection, hand-job, kissing, lost my virginity, my ex, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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female
reader, romany +, writes (2 July 2013):
 He is probably well aware of the way he is disappointing you, which could be why is developing stage fright. By doing all those lovely things for him, dressing up, stripping, showering, etc, its pretty much telling him that his job is to perform, and because he is inexperienced, he is probably putting so much pressure on himself, his little fella can't cope with the expectations.
Just relax, spend some time with him, don't have a preplanned date and time, have a making out session, let him make some moves, don't go straight for him, no oral, he will feel he is ready to blow, and then stop himself going over the edge, as he doesn't want to disappoint you again.
I don't think this is you, I think this is a mental blockage, all the talking and your crushed self esteem will be making him feel so inferior, you need to take the pressure off this first time, I think you've planned this whole romantic scenario in your head, and he thinks this is the way it has to be and knows he can't perform this, he knows that his first time is going to be a few thrusts and then it'll probably be over.
This whole thing isn't do with the way you look. That is just something us women assume, lol.
As for calling you beautiful and stuff, if the rest of relationship is fine, then leave it for the time being, He has enough on his plate to deal with, by criticizing he is a pants boyfriend, (which is how he would hear the criticism) may throw him over the edge, but getting him to compliment you aint hard to rectify, if he loves ya, he'll change that about himself to make you happy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): I'm going to overlook the fact that I think u're too young to be stressing about this sort of thing in the first placeOk, I think the issue here is that you're assuming that because it worked for one guy, it'll work for another guy. Which isnt always true. You're doing things that you say worked on ur ex... but you aren't trying to understand what works for your current boyfriend. Does he like the schoolgirl look? does he like the shaved look? are you even touching him the way HE likes to be touched? ... I'm not trying to make this all about him and not about you btw, but like you said, you havent gotten to the point of reciprocation yet.what would i do? I'd watch him masturbate. see what he's doing that he likes so much. next i'd let him guide me, tell me what to do (within reason)... it's ok if sex feels sorta technical with the do's and don'ts the first times with a new lover lol
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