A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My best friend wants to visit me, but she's invited her husband (without saying anything to me) and I don't like him!I haven't seen my best friend in about 4 years, she wants to visit me this Fall, but her husband is jealous, and doesn't trust her, or me-since he figures we will be doing things and going out while she is here. So, just to ensure she can come for our "girls weekend" she told him to just come along then.I don't like him. I haven't met him, but I know he's a drinker, smoker, does drugs and is a mooch (hasn't had a steady job in over four years). I also don't like that he doesn't want to let his wife come visit me because he feels he needs to chaperone us. I don't want him to stay at my house or be around my young son. If they do come, it puts me in an awkward position of her saying that he can stay home with my child while we go out-NOT happening.She doesn't know how I feel about him. Is there any way to delicately tell her I don't want him in my home? Frankly, I'd rather her not come if she has to bring him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2013): I too have experienced the situation where the partner of a couple is a bucket of poop.
I am quite frank and honest with my friends. I offer an invitation, and ask them to get back to me and let me know when they can be "free" to spend some one-on-one time. I explain to them in detail why it has to be only one. They show up alone as expected, and we enjoy each others company.
They are not inclined to tell the worst-half the details; but they manage to getaway. In your case, the worst-half is a bum. He will not "allow" her to spend time with friends alone; because that will infringe on his right to rule.
Your friend has poor taste in men. She allows him to dictate her every move. This is an abusive and controlling situation that is beyond offering an invitation that could spawn a terrible backlash. If he knew you told her not to bring him, that would infuriate him. He would retaliate on her, not you.
You may want to reconsider offering the invitation at all. This is not the usual situation where she has any control within her household. He already has her trained and conditioned not to have friends that don't approve of him.
She is allowed no independence, and you will create more trouble than you might realize.
A
female
reader, mightaphodite +, writes (18 July 2013):
As far as I understood, it was your friend who wanted to come alone for a visit in the first place.
As you never told her how you felt about her husband (which is completely understandable) she couldn't have guessed that her inviting him to come along would put you in a bad position. But, there you are.
I wish I had more guts to say "no" to the people I loved when I really meant it. It does not make you a bad person and it's your birthright. This husband of hers obviously upset you (I would be upset too)and you shouldn't force yourself to put up with him.
If you think that she's in denial and that words like "drugs" might hurt her, maybe you should be firm but use something more vague, like "different habits/life styles". I would go for the truth though.
There's always a good chance that she'll be hurt and distance herself from you, at least for a while. Sometimes we lose people along the way, either because they change or we do. Sometimes we find them again along the way too.
Hope everything work out!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 July 2013):
 You don't not like HIM you have not met him. You do not like what you KNOW of him. Understood.
I got invited to a party a few weeks ago. I assumed it was for both myself and my spouse since it was co-ed and a saturday night.
When I RSVPed that WE would be coming I was promptly told that I was invited but NOT my husband. I declined to go to the party as was my right.
You need to let her know you have invited HER but not her spouse (as is your right) and accept that she may not come as is her right.
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