A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My colleague wants me to spy on her ex husband...They are now divorced and he left her for someone else 2 years ago. I believe my colleague is very much in love with himstill and doesn't accept the fact he's moved on. My colleague has 2 children with him hence why I think she doesn't want to let go.She comes out with strange things- she asked me where I did my food shop and when I told her she said that's where her ex and his new girlfriend shop and for me to keep an eye out for them. Now considering I've only seen a picture of her husband and have no idea what this woman looks like I doubt i'll ever see them.She also asked me to help her find her on facebook.The latest thingshe asked me to do was spy on him at his girlfriends party, they' are having it at a local bars and she asked I go and see if I can see whose there(this woman was a mutual friend of theirs). I don't mind popping in as no one would recognise me but I worry for my colleague. I suggested she talk to a councellor or doctor but she won't.Do I need to be concerned?I don't m
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 September 2010):
 I would tell her that she needs to do her own "dirty" work. She is borderline obsessive about her ex. Which in turn means she isn't moving forward in her life at all.
Kids or no kids, she needs to find a way to let go or she will go crazy.
My husband's ex-wife is STILL stalking him 18 years after their divorce... crazy cow. She thinks he will still come back to her. Putting her dating/love life totally on hold, just in case. Considering they were only married 2 years it is ridiculous. And we have been married almost 13.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): I think it is very sad that your colleague is finding it so difficult to let go of her ex. It must be very unpleasant for her, and I can understand your concerns. I personally think it would be better for you to try and stay out of it as much as you can. By that, I mean be there for her, but don't agree to the things she is asking. Don't agree to spy on her ex, or go out of your way to bump into him, or anything like that. You could end up getting caught up in the situation, and I don't think it would be helping her in the long run. She will never be able to let go and move on if you agree to do as she asks. So I think you need to stay firm about this. Say you are there for her and will support her, but you will not spy on this man. She might be angry or upset with you, but I really do believe you will be helping her in the long run.
It is difficult if she refuses to speak to anyone about this, like a doctor or counsellor. But if she won't, there is little you can do. The only things I can suggest is that when you are with her, try and steer the conversations away from her ex, and talk about other things. Try not to be drawn into any conversations about her ex. It must be really difficult for you to know what to do, and I feel sorry for this woman. But what she is suggesting is not healthy, and will just keep her trapped in the past. So I would avoid agreeing to anything like that if I were you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): Yeah you do need to be concerned, she's obsessing about her ex and it's gotten to the point where she wants to know every detail of their lives.
It's natural to be curious of what your ex is doing these days we all wonder that from time to time but she's bordering on stalking and you shouldn't get involved. You can't enable this behaviour in her. Finding them on facebook is one thing but going to a bar specifically to spy is over the top. They have kids together so he's going to be part of her life for good. She needs to find a way of dealing with that and moving but you can't do anything to help her through that. But you do have to make sure you don't play a part in that.
Tell her if you see them as part of your normal routine you'll let her know but that you're not going to actively start stalking her ex, that's just weird and isn't going to do any good.
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