A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My friend's obsession now seems to like me and I don't know what to do. Here's the story:A girl I've been very close to for two years has been pining after this guy. She tells me everything she likes about him and wishes she could date him. However, 2 years ago - she let this guy know and he made it clear he's not interested in her. He has been very careful not to flirt with her. I was always nice to him since we all have mutual friends - but I never really talked to him until 2 months ago when he started paying me extra attention and being protective of me during my recent breakup. I'm getting the vibe he likes me and I think I feel the same.Trouble is - if i started dating him - it would kill my friend and I'd feel disloyal - even though I was never flirtatious with this guy. We are in our 30's - so this is not a silly crush. I'd only date him if I thought it had potential to be real. So is it totally wrong if I explore these feelings? I'm lookin to settle down and i would not pursue if I thought it would be just a casual hookup. They never dated - never even kissed or had one date Thoughts ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): I wouldn't do it OP, guys come and go but close friends are to be cherished and no guy is worth a good friendship in my opinion.
I have done that years ago, a long time ago and learned a very valuable lesson. Nothing happened until I got my friend's okay first and he said he would be okay with it but it all went very wrong and I lost more than just him but nearly that entire circle because how can you trust a guy who puts his penis ahead of his loyalty to his friends? The truth is you can't, you can't trust a person like that because they may end up doing it to your ex or even to your girlfriend, you can just never trust them if they get any way close to your partner because if they're that willing to put their own feelings first then you can't be comfortable, so you just prefer not to have them around. Plus nobody liked sitting there with the two guys and tension and pain obvious on the guy whose crush I started seeing.
As it turned out I was only her rebound from her ex too and she dumped me as soon as she'd gotten over him, so I lost all that circle of friends and I didn't even get the woman afterwards.
What I didn't know then and what I do know now is to think to myself "how would I really feel if the situation was reversed?" and that's how I gauge what I should and should not do. I would be pissed if someone did that to me and it would be the end of our friendship with no comebacks.
It's rather simple in your circumstances really, you know for certain by taking this action you will be hurting your friend immensely to the point where she won't even be able to look at you, is that what friends do? Do you really need cock that badly you're willing to screw her over?
Not only that but if she somehow does approve then you won't be able to gush about how wonderful this guy is, you won't be able to mention his name without breaking her heart and frankly it would be an entirely selfish thing to do.
The question is are you really one of those women who will gladly fuck over her friends to get a man, are you that desperate for love and that much in need of a man to complete you because there are plenty of us around that are available to you, that you will just be another one of those girls that puts romance and men before everyone else in your life.
It's a rather simple thing OP, you knew he was off-limits the moment you realized your close friend felt so deeply about him, you can use the "ah well she never had a chance with him anyway" excuse but you know exactly what that makes you and you know exactly what that means, and for what? A guy, the usual weird need that women seem to have for a guy to complete them, this really strange notion that the worst of things are worth doing just in case this guy is the "one". I mean when I did it I was a stupid asshole and freely admit that I was a completely selfish prick who didn't care who I hurt because I wanted her, if I'd taken the time to truly consider the worth of my friendship vs the potential rewards of dating this girl I would not have done it. You know this beforehand so what's your justification? Oh yeah, ye olde "he could be the one, I'm not getting any younger" excuse.
I'm surprized how many ladies actually think getting a man is worth screwing over your friends for just in case "he's the one". I thought we were trying to move past the notion that women need us, that they're somehow worthless and lesser beings if they're single, seems I couldn't be more wrong, I mean what other reason would a person put romance over a close friendship other than they're desperate for romance any way they can get it.
I know from experience that no woman is worth any of my friends and at our age OP, good friends are like gold dust and I don't even give my time to their crushes or exes. I won't let anything develop and I don't give them my time. I'd rather be known as a person people can rely and depend upon who will not fuck them over for purely selfish reasons.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (6 August 2012):
 Depends how good of a friend she is and if you'd miss her from your life.
As much as we do not want to break the 'girl code', strange things happen in life and things don't always go the way we planned.
Things might not work out with him if you date him and you will also lose your friend, so you have to weigh up if the risk is worth taking.
I think I would hold back to see if he makes a serious move. It could just be that he is being friendly and you could end up with egg on your face if you misread the signs.
It could also turn out that he's the love of your life and you may be passing up the perfect opportunity.
Of course if you take this path, you are going to have one pissed off friend on your hands...it's a dilemma.
I don't even know what I would do, but I would definitely NOT make any big moves unless he was practically beating down my door...then I'd be forced to take notice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): I am in my 30's too and I have always held and still hold the belief that I will not date someone that my friends like or someone they are related to. I will not hurt my friend in that way and I see it as being disloyal to my friends and I personally will not do it. I have seen many people come and go that don't feel that way, and I have never come across a situation where the one who does enter into being with someone that another friend likes has had the friendship last for long. I can't tell you what you should do, you need to make the decision yourself, but it isn't as easy to make real friends either and if you have a real friend why would you risk that for some man that may not work out either. To me it doesn't matter that he doesn't like her, or that they have never been on a date, or if he is careful not to flirt with her, you know she has feelings for him and although she cannot ever have him, does she deserve to be rejected and disguarded by her friend as well? When we want something it is easy to justify it to ourselves by saying things like they never dated or he won't flirt with her, but you say yourself you know it would kill her, so why would you want to put your friend through that kind of pain? As I said though it is up to you whether you chose to explore these feelings with this man, if you think it is worth losing your friend over him. I would not continue being friends with someone who purposely did something that they knew would definitely hurt me, because that is not friendship in my eye's. I am not trying to be harsh, just letting you know what I have found works in my ife and what doesn't. I hope it works out for you and you find happiness in whatever you chose.
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