A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello...My fiancee and I were talking in regards to having friends of the opposite sex. He was close to his classmates back in highschool about 25 years ago. Most of them were females. He also had a next door neighbor family with whom his family were close friends with. The three children were all girls, but the youngest of the girls is about 8 years older than him. He found out she never got married and said at one time (years ago, though he has said he's forgotten what he said since then) that if that was the case, he would have married her. I told him off and said if he ever said that or anything similar to that I would break off with him cause that's not the way to treat a woman - especially his girlfriend. He apologized but I never forgot. My fiancee and his family lived next to them for all of his life until he moved out here (out to the west coast...he's from the east coast) about 15 years ago. I'm okay with him having friends however, he said if one of his female friends(specifically that neighbor female friend of his from back home)called him and said she's down here visiting, he would go. He did say that he had asked a couple of his friends what their opinions were in regards to him going out with this gal pal and they said if he were to go out with this woman he was basically considered having an emotional affair. He said he asked them because he didn't want me to be upset. What is the right thing to do? If his female friend comes down to visit us, is he suppose to ask if it be okay if I come along? My one friend said he's suppose to ask her if it be okay that I come along with them and it would be wrong if he goes alone and have lunch/dinner with her...even though it's innocent. And the same goes with me if I ever go out with a male friend. Is this truly an emotional affair if she asks him to come down and visit with her and he says yes? I had dinner with a male friend I haven't seen in years and I don't have any feelings for him other than just friendship and my fiancee didn't go out with us. My fiancee was a little ticked and said he definitely wants to have dinner with us the next time. I told him of course. I don't have an emotional affair with this friend and rarely do I call or write to him. It's only once in a blue moon that I ask him out to dinner. And also...how do you know you're having an emotional affair with someone? My fiancee enjoys going on blogs as well as meeting others online. He has said he'd never do that to me but how do you know? They say that once you start spending more time with a friend of the opposite sex instead of your significant other, you are having an affair. But what if you enjoy having one on one conversations with this person or you have more in common with that other person than you do with your fiancee, does that mean you are having an emotional affair?I don't want to feel like I'm constantly hounding him down in regards to his having friends and spending more time with them online (he doesn't by the way spend more time with them than with me) or going out with females behind my back (which he hasn't done yet). At the same time, I don't want to be the nagging or dependent wife that tells him that he can't go out with his friends (I've met his female friends and they know who I am and they're all good people). He also said he could meet new friends too...other females and males. I told him that's fine. By the way, what if these newer female friends think that he's available cause he wants to be friends and want to go out with him for more than just friendship? Then what? I'm going paranoid now. Sorry! It's all this stuff coming up. I don't want to feel this way. He hasn't shown me any reason to feel insecure. He's been nothing but supportive and he talks with me in regards to all my concerns and has been nothing but supportive. I don't want to feel this way insecure. I want to go into marriage with my head on straight, my feet on the ground and fully trusting the man that I love. Thank you for your time!!!
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male
reader, Illithid +, writes (16 December 2010):
 It depends on how he acts. A person is entitled to have friends, even opposite sex friends, and this is true even if he's married. But his wife is still entitled to suspicions. If he has a history of flirting heavily or sleeping around, you're within your rights to be WITH them as they visit. If he's always been a trustworthy sort and you've seen him with female friends before and he's always just acted the same as he does with male friends, then trust him. A wife does come first, but people still do need friends.
Maybe just say that you'd like to meet this girl that he grew up with, and don't even make it about trust. Just go, meet someone that knew your man when he was young, ask for a million embarrassing stories, and become friends with her yourself!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I'd stop worrying about what other people think or other friends say; what matters is what you think and what he thinks about the matter.
My own background is having lots of friends predominantly of the opposite sex, including my best friend, but that doesn't mean I want to sleep with them! I treat female friends the same as male friends, as people I'd meet for coffee/lunch or go shopping or to the cinema if there was a film we both enjoyed, and think nothing different of it. In my mind, a lot more is about intention than what is being done. (If he was bisexual, would you worry if he went out with any friend? To my mind, that would be a lot of unnecessary worrying, just as it is if you're worrying about anyone of one particular sex.)
What is it that makes you feel insecure? Do you feel that this friend from home is a threat to your relationship? What similarities are there with the situation with friend you met for dinner?
How do you feel the relationship is with him? If he is devoted and faithful to you, I wouldn't worry in the slightest with him meeting up with friends from home. After all, even if one does have a crush on him, he loves you and will put them straight from the start. Or are you worried that he wouldn't do that?
Have you met her? Perhaps you could suggest a compromise of them spending the day together then meeting you later for dinner? Or the other way around? That way you get to meet her AND they get some time to catch up without feeling like they're excluding you by referencing old times/places/people.
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A
male
reader, steph007  +, writes (16 December 2010):
Your fiancee is open to have several friends. Not all the ppl are like him.
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