A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm lost, confused and feeling really down. I lost a friend a while back after we had an argument when he started ditches me and others for his new gf.I was always very weary of her, she was very much younger than him and had slept around alot, she loved attention and we all knew she;d want sex out of him from day one. Thing was he is a christain so never believed in that but a week into it and he gave it her. He even said "well I gave her what she wants and she stayed with me.The argument was based on the fact that he got arsy with me one night saying that if I said one word about her I was gone. A friend of 5 years would just be gone for someone he'd known a few weeks. Thing was I hadn't said anything that only came about because someone we both knew had made a sarcastic comment on facebook, nothing to do with me whatsoever. Because his attitude towards me upset me that brought up an argument and brought up other things like the fact hes not bothered about seeing me or any of our other friends/the group anymore.This he admitted which really hurt because he just said why would I wanna come out with you, I just wanna focus on her. He didn;t even say it nicely he literally couldn't of cared less. I had said as a friend previously please be careful of her. Shes not "his type" at all. Shes attention seeking, wanted sex from day one even though he was a devout christain, shes loud, mouthy, had slept around and she can get anything she wants. But the way I see it he would make his own mistakes in the future.Hes very insecure, not all that confident with girls and I can;t imagine its easy for a man to admit hes a christain and admit his beliefs as he has talked rubbish to his mates just to join in. So you can probably tell deep down hes insecure. He said hes changed loads (funny over 3 weeks) and that they;re dead alike, and to me thats obvious hes only changed to please her.In this argument things got brought up, he said he wasnt weary of her at all, trusted her with his life, he knows for a fact shes not like she was anymore as they've been totally honest with each other and that hes not scared of loosing her cuz he knows she'll never look at anyone else.This was after only 3 weeks of them being together. It all seemed rather over the top. I must admit neither of us were in the best of mood and my last words were, if you got abit of time for me let me know and I'll be happy to see you. The next day his gfs mate added me on facebook and I text him to tell him about her being so pathetic but I didnt do it in a nasty sense towards him. 2 days later she messaged me asking why I think shes a s**g, I told her, I wasnt going to hide away and I jsut said you would be annoyed if someone that was once a faithful christain suddenly changed and then ditched his mates. I expected that off her so I never said a word, however after that I was jsut expecting it to be dropped but she got aggressive out of no where and messaged me to say hes not my friend anymore because hes chose her. (no one asked him to choose).I thought I can't be bothered with it, I don;t wanna make it worse I sent the odd text 2 months later through anger just asking why couldnt he tell me himself. I got no reply. Its his birthday soon and I will send him a happy birthday text. But its been roughly 6 months and I;ve heard nothing from him. They are still going strong but his life revolves around her and work, he doesnt go out often at all and only when shes at work. Will he ever come round? Has he completely forgotten about he and couldn't care less about me after 5 years of being really really close friends. Its sad really, all girls need a male best friend, sadly mind changed to please a girl and now its like I never existed. What can I do? In a way I'd love to text him but I'm also thinking why should I go running back, but I do need to regain contact with him at some point its killing me. Does he really hate me? Has he forgotten all about me? Because it really seems that way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2013): This is to the last poster, thanks to everyone for the advice . Can I just say I never made him choose, I never had anything to do with her and he was fine with that because he knew we wouldn;t get on. I admit what I said was very wrong but at first it was just caring for a friend however as the argument developed my words got way out of hand.He was not in love with her when this happened. He said so himself and besides you don't fall in deep true love after 3 weeks it takes time.LASTLY her friends added me to SPY on me. They do not want to be friends, his girlfriend hates me. I understand why but she wasn't a fan of me from the very beginning before I even knew about her. Just like she got the same friend to add his previous ex. I understand everything you are saying and yes I've done wrong but there were his actions that influenced me to do so. I understood you want time with your new "toy" but for someone to turn round and harshly say "why would I wanna come out with you" ... well.. It hurts. I don't deserve to just be pushed aside when a gf comes along, you make time for your friends, its not fair to just ditch someone like that, you should treat people fairly. It happens I know even I've done it in the past to an extent but I've realised its not worth it, ever.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 February 2013):
 There is a song… “when a man loves a woman”…. And it’s a song but it’s true… it says “he’ll turn his back on his best friend if he puts her down”
A man in love with a woman will NOT tolerate anyone disrespecting her. He will not tolerate a friend saying “choose me or her” because SHE will always win no matter how bad she is or how long he’s been friends with the other person…. It may not be sane or rational but it’s the truth.
Your second paragraph says you are “weary of her” “she ws very much younger than him” and “had slept around a lot” So clearly you do not like this young lady in any way shape or form. I’m not even going to address that part of the issue may be because she has “stolen” your friend from you.
The fact that he stood by her while you were dissing her is a good thing for him. The fact that you felt safe enough to trash talk the woman he is sleeping with says you felt very secure in your position and standing with him. To come and find out that you are not as important to him as you had thought must be crushing.
Losing touch with friends when a person gets into a new relationship is so common that I would classify it as normal behavior. When a person meets someone new, they become the “shiny new toy” and you always want to play with it… to the exclusion of your other older toys… you know they will be there when you are ready to go back to them but right now the new toy is so much more fun.
Her friends added you on facebook… clearly THEY are trying to be friends with you and what do you do… you contact him and tell him the love of his life is pathetic…. Are you TRYING to alienate him? Have you ever heard the expression, “hold your friends close and your enemies closer”? What you really need to do if you want to salvage this relationship with your friend is make his girlfriend your best buddy…
You say he choose her but no one asked him to choose. YES YOU DID.
By trashing her… calling her a slut/slag whatever and saying she’s bad for him and calling her pathetic etc… you are telling him that you do not respect his choice or his girlfriend… you will NOT be kind to her or welcome her into your world…. You forced him to make a choice even if you didn’t say “me or her” in those words… your actions did.
“all girls need a male best friend” They do? Really? Well if they do shouldn’t that be your partner not someone elses?
He’s with her. He made his choice. You need to find peace with this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 February 2013):
 This must be really heavy on your mind, since you have posted about it already, and I must say, at this point your attachment starts to be a bit worrisome. We all need to face reality , unplesant as it may be, and accept what we cannot change.
This guy has chosen his gf over you, which , right or wrong,it's not that strange , at his age and considering that he's madly in love. And considering, pardon me, your role in the whole story, I mean , surely if you want to stay in the good graces of a male friend, calling his love object a slag and pathetic etc. is surely NOT the way, as you have seen.
We all want the best for the people we care about so I understand you are disappointed and bitter - but , ultimately, we need to respect their freedom. You may be disappointed about his so out of character choice, but it's HIS choice, and a really good friend would not have raised hell over it. Our friends do not owe us to do what we want when we want. Once you had expressed ( diplomatically, as I am not sure you did ) your concerns, and encourage him to stay in touch... that was all a good friend could and should do ( Beyond, of course, be there for tea and sympathy if the relationship goes belly up, which has not happened so far ).
That's the point , though - the relationship did not go belly up. He is happy. He's in love. He has DECIDED to focus on this relationship more than on his friends. Now : a) there's nothing you can do about this, so pining about it, it's all wasted energy b) a friend that just totally erases you off his mental blackboard the moment he gets a gf .... well, it wasn't that great of a friendship then, maybe. It was a situational friendship, an opportunistic friendship- good just until something " better " comes along.
Are you sure you'd still want that kind of friend, even if it were possible ? and are you sure you could still be friends , since now he has changed into an all different person ?
I mean, the person you cared for and got along with , was a staunch, chaste Christian , now he is a bit of a badboy ( personally, I like the second version better, but... don't mind me :) Just saying ). Now that person does not exist anymore. Can you be friends with someone who does not exist anymore ?
What I am driving at, as I think you have guessed , is : be brave and move on. Not all people are destined to be in our life forever. You had 5 good years with him, be thankful for those , and leave it at that.
If I were you, I would not even send birthday wishes, what for ? Worst case, he thinks you are a stalker and gets even angrier at you, best case , he says " thanks ", and ?... Do you think his gf would be happy if he'd rekindle with you ?? Do you think she'd let him do that ? Or, in fact , do you think HE would want to risk an argument with his beloved gf , over an ex friend whom he argued with 6 months ago ?
You'd be setting yourself up for heartbreak.. or for being ridiculed. Be smart, and let it go.
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A
female
reader, haribo158 +, writes (7 February 2013):
I'm sorry to hear that, I've had similar experiences myself and it doesn't feel nice, unfortuntaely what I'm going to say probably won't feel nice either,
But ultimately you have to leave it be, he now percieves you as a kind of enemy so there's not a whole lot you can say to change it (though i would send him a text on his birthday, who knows he might want to chat). We all want what's best for our friends but sadly no matter if they're making a mistake or not, nothing you do or say will change his mind, you can only leave them to it.
I highly doubt he hates you but probably still resents you, undeserved as it may be, though it may well be possible to rekindle the friendship.
In this situation you just have to accept that he's changed and you can't change that
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