A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Agony Aunts and Uncles,So my problem involves a fellow housemate and me. A few weeks ago one of my housemates gave out to me for his misinterpretation of an article that I was telling him about. My other housemate joined in as well and it felt like they were ganging up on me. A few days later he apologized for givin out and we put it down to misinterpretation but our other housemate pretending like nothing happened. I couldn't talk or look at her because what she said made me out to be a horrible human being but when out with our other friends she put all the blame on our male housemate. They told me to drop it as she would never admit fault but to tell why I was mad at her and move on. I did it online as I couldn't confront her for fear that a heated argument would ensue. She basically turned the whole thing on me and tried to make out that I had said the nasty horrible comment about her and should apologize. When corrected she then said that I needed to get over myself and that nothing bad was said. I lost all respect for her at that point.A few weeks have past and I can look at her without disappointment or a look of hatred and I dont want that but she ignores me completely. She's bitched to our close group of friends about me numerous times since then and I havent opened my mouth about her once. I dont believe in creating sides in a fight. Its not fair on others even though it does happen and I cant control it. One of my friends asked me the last day did I want this fight to happen because we were having problems before. I feel all alone now. I asked her a question in a room full of people last week which was a sign that I'm slowly geting over the whole thing but today I discovered that she removed me as a friend and blocked me on facebook. I thought that we could have become friends again but I dont know where to go from here. I feel like I've lost my friends because of this. Can somebody give me guidance?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): I agree, I think you completely failed in this battle of wills. You chickened out at every stage instead of fighting your corner and you even went so far as to communicate with her on Facebook because you couldn't handle doing it in person. FYI: It's always a shitty idea to leave written evidence of such arguments, OP. Plus you just showed her weakness and allowed her to pounce.
OP when it comes to battles against girls like her you have to stand your ground. You tried the peaceful resolution approach at every step and she took full advantage of your misguided attempts to find a moderate standpoint. Girls like her neither respect that nor do they do anything other than take advantage of the things like that you give her.
OP you strike me as a bit of a worrier that needs calmness and serenity and everyone to get along or you can't handle it. You sound like you stress out far too much about being liked by people and you'll suffer in life if you can't be more ruthless and less caring of that type of thing.
You haven't lost your friends, but so far you've played this all wrong. You can't please everyone and this idea you need her to be some kind of friend is not plausible, it's time to realise she's a two-faced, catty bitch and you have to treat her as such by ignoring her, and if she crosses any lines with you by confronting her.
OP she has a major advantage with your social circle because unlike you she's not afraid to voice her opinions, you've come across as the one in the wrong here because you just wilted. They're only getting her side of the story because you won't stand up for yourself and give people your side.
Now that's not to say you should go around bad mouthing her but you do need to discuss what's going on with people.
You need to make the decision that you're no longer going to try and be her friend when she so obviously has done nothing to deserve it and you need to do so because at the moment you look to everyone to be a complete pushover.
OP the most worrying thing about your question is that you don't know where to go now that she's not going to be a friend. Why do you need to "go" anywhere from here? She's not friendship material and that's it. You be civil when needs be but mostly you just ignore her. You have to understand that the world doesn't end just because you don't get on with someone and as long as they're not being openly nasty to you or fucking with your life then you need to allow them to just not like you. You can't be upset by things like that, not having her as a friend makes no difference to your life whatsoever unless she's deliberately trying to fuck you over in which case you have to fight back and play to win.
OP you may hate conflict, but when conflict is thrust upon you, then you need to able to fight your corner or people will walk all over you.
Life is a lot easier when there is no conflict of course but you'll always come across people like her. If you can't put people in their place quickly and efficiently then the conflict just drags on while they get the better of you.
OP a girl like her wouldn't mess with a person like me for a few simple reasons. I don't care about being liked, it's nice of course but I've never been everyone's cup of tea. That gives me a massive advantage over people like her because they care about what people think. That gives me so much scope to play the game how I see fit. Whereas she'll think carefully, and construct her position to paint herself in the best light and me in the worst, I on the other hand have a lot more scope to improvise and tear her a new asshole by making her seem like the total bitch for reading me in that way. The people that don't like me find out very quickly to leave me be because not only do I stand my ground I know how to play the game when it comes to getting my side out to the social group because I know how easy it is to make someone who talks of others behind their back look bad, because guess what? People like that talk about everyone behind their back and it's very easy to cast doubt in people's mind about a person if they've been going around dragging others into it by reading you.
OP it may seem to you the morally "right" thing to do, to not make people take sides but that's not how it works when she's working on making people take hers. You at least have to counter that and bring people back to a more balanced view point.
At the end of the day you either fight for your friendships or you sit back and watch as a bitch who doesn't like you takes them away.
I'll say it again though, OP, the secret to winning in conflict is caring less than the other person and not being afraid of the consequences of action. Because as you may be starting to realise, inaction has even worse consequences and a defeat when you didn't even bother is something you'll find harder to take.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): Original sender. Our chat was through facebook chat. Nothing was public online. I'm not the kind of person to puts everything up online for the world to see. I'm unknown on this so its acceptable. My comment was not nasty. I just said that what she meant about me was not my opinion and I didn't know if it was hers but it wasn't mine. I said nothin else bad. She has blackened me with other people. How do I go about extending an olive brach to someone who has made dirt of me. I We cant have a chat face to face alone because it will only get heated. The stuff she ssaid about me cannot be taken back.Thats why I asked her a question around a group of people. I'm not being petty but I cant magically flick off a switch that allows me to forget being hurt. It was easy for her to demand an apology when she exagerated that I had said something bad. She's the kind of person that joins in when someone is bitching about someone and thats what happened. She should not got involved when our other housemate was giving out to me. It wasn't her place or business.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (5 April 2014):
 Your friends told you to tell her that you were mad at her and moving on (not the best advice!) and you chose to do it by posting something on Facebook? What did you post? I'm trying to work out whether she is right in sayng your comment was "nasty and horrible".
In any event, Facebook is not the place to try to sort things out. It's as bad/ worse than gossiping/ bitching to friends because so many people see it. I feel you should have sat down and spoken with her, during a calm moment.
To sort this out, I think you need to speak to her directly when you are both calm (don't go through friends), offer an olive branch and an apology for posting a comment on Facebook, and see if you can get back on track with her. The idea of 'confronting' her might make you cringe, but one of you has to take the first step in sorting this out, and it looks like it's going to have to be you.
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