A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've never had an orgasm before. Tried solo a few times, still didn't happen. My boyfriend and I have been trying...and every time I get really close I freak out! I just have to stop. Don't know why. The only thing that gets me to that point is clitoral stimulation (g spot thing ain't working), but it almost hurts when I'm close (maybe too much stimulation?) though we try switching it up a bit so it's not all at once. I know I shouldn't be worrying about it in the moment, but why is it that I can't just freakin come? I don't get it. It's like I HAVE to stop. Trust me, I try to chill there as long as possible...feels great...then I'm all shaking like HELL YES! and then I just can't take it anymore and tell him to stop.So what's wrong with me? Anyone else have this problem or have any tips to overcome this?(Side notes: We haven't had sex yet...nor will we at this point. He usually just uses his fingers; he tried oral but that really didn't do anything for me.)
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 It will take time and practice. Ive been able to orgasm solo for years, yet it still took year after before i could do it with a man there. Its all in your mind. You have to make the decision to have one and really want it. You have to be horny and you have to "let go". I believe this may be harder for women as they are not expected by society to watch porn and masturbate from an early age like men are. Perhaps it is subconsciously programmed that it is dirty or wrong, or we feel that we dont deserve it in some way.
Either way, it is a journey you have to go through. Start on your own first. It is harder to achieve orgasm when someone else is doing it, because you are not in control of what they do. By yourself you can do whatever you need to get yourself there, and there is no pressure, and your not exposed like when with a man. You can switch off and focus just on yourself and your own pleasure. It's your body, enjoy it. When you have an orgasm you will no. It is the most intense pleasure feeling you can experience. Whatever people say, orgasm is all about you, your pleasure. Orgasm is not what sex is about. Sex is about bonding and being physically intimate with your lover. A man's orgasm usually come easily, simply from having sex, they dont really have to try. If you want an orgasm you have to focus on getting one. Do whatever it takes. If that means touching yourself and getting yourself off during a sex session so be it. Gradually you will be able to teach your man how to help you get there, if he is willing and doesn't feel like he is a failure if he cant "do it for you" without your guidance.
There are a lot of myths about sex that leave people with unrealistic expectaions, that it will be this mindblowing experience every time with orgasms gallore just from a guy rubbing your clit a few times and sticking it in there. It doesn't work like that. A woman's sexuallity is much more complex. When people will appreciate this and view it as a wonderful thing to explore and enjoy, they will get so much more out of sex, both as a woman and as a man being with a woman.
Take your time. Experiment, don't feel guilty and enjoy your body. It's yours.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): You are new to this, as most of us were at your age.
You just need a lot more experience with each other primarily, careful, practiced, and non-stressful, guilt free hopefully, experience.
Use less pressure and go a bit slower when you get to the point where you are (in your own words) "all shaking like HELL YES! and then I just can't take it anymore" when you get closer. Then, as that goes down a bit, build back up there. Fingers can be a bit rough, they should touch and circle the clitoris, gently, steadily.
The tongue is definitely the most sensitive and effective instrument for this delicate procedure, way more sensitive than fingers...which begs the question why oral didn't do anything. Thing is, you have to be patient and take your time either way, but oral done well is much better in most people's experience I think, but it does take experience with the particular partner to figure out what done well means with them. During oral, the lover must focus efforts on the clitoris, gently, steadily, rhythmically, circling, not hard sucking for most people, and on the tissues around the clitoris as well. You will eventually figure out the rhythm that works for you...tell him, don't keep it a secret.
Think of it as like swinging on a swing, going up and down and back up and down, and eventually you go up to far and fall off the swing (but this doesn't hurt) as you go past the place where things are stable.
Slow and steady, make sure you breath and don't start breath-holding, and remember, you are young and you will get it eventually. Usually if you can teach yourself to manage it solo, then you can teach your lover to get you there (but not always).
Don't feel like you are "taking forever", or that you smell or taste bad (you don't even if you have an odor, women taste delightful even when they haven't showered that morning). My wife used to feel that way, and despite having many lovers before me could never orgasm. If you feel this way it can also give you misconceptions about what the other person is thinking, for her "It's taking me to long." at 15 minutes was what was happening in her head and I was like "We've only been at this 30 minutes." Now she is more than happy for me to take 45 minutes to an hour to slowly and steadily build her up and get her there, but she can orgasm in less than 10 minutes some times.
He should 'focus his efforts on the clitoris', and not think what he has seen or read in porn as anything close to reality based. He needs to be patient, careful, excited and comfortable with it. He also will need to build up his understanding of what works and doesn't, and you should be telling him and he shouldn't take it as criticism but constructive advice.
"then I'm all shaking like HELL YES! and then I just can't take it anymore and tell him to stop"
You may be having an orgasm, the clitoris becomes extremely sensitive afterward and you will feel slow rhythmic contractions down in your vaginal area afterward in many cases. Even so, you may not realize it, some women think that they are, when they are just getting close, and others think an orgasm is something else, I've even met some that didn't think orgasms were real (and they weren't young).
Many women fake orgasms, for years, and years, with many partners, and at the same time talk about their sexual lives and partners like they are the best thing on earth. So, if you have friends who all talk about how they orgasmed 10 times in a night with some new guy and he's the greatest lover since ________________, and you are thinking "what's wrong with me", realize that they are probably full of bullshit, or have a medical disorder.
DON'T DO IT, faking that is, orgasms are fine though and you want to do that. Faking it ruins sex and intimacy when you do this. Honesty, openness, and willingness combined with patience and dedication to the partner can make sex tremendous and really makes life a lot better when things get rough.
Hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, amandanash  +, writes (3 May 2011):
When the clitoris becomes over stimulated, that part of your body will essentially shut down. The hood of skin over the clitoris will close over at times, and more stimulation after that will hurt. My boyfriend has over stimulated me before and I've had to stop cause it's no longer pleasurable. A tip for you boyfriend might be for him to try varying what he does, and to take breaks between the stimulation. And he should explore many other places besides your clitoris. Teasing, arousing, dirty talking can help in achieving an orgasm quicker as well.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): You haven't had sex yet so you wont come......
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