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male
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*iggmachine
writes: I have been with my girlfriend for nearly a year now and I love her more then anything. She is amazing and she loves me so much. The problem is I can't get over her past. I know this is standard. A lot of guys have this problem. She has been with 5 guys(not including me). 4 of those between the age of 16-18. At that period of time she was looking for love and thought she would get it that way. Everyone of those guys left her or cheated on her. Her last guy was with her for 4 years which she was in a committed relationship. She is my first(we are both 23). In a way, from day one, I didn't like her past (I felt like the sleazy guys won, and they did because while people say you got the girl they didn't want the girl, they got what they want), but I never let it bother me too much because it wasn't healthy, and she is not the same girl now. The problem was her last ex. Personally I thought it was healthy that she was still in contact with him and that they broke up in a civil manner and remained friends. But slowly this started problems between us. More and more i noticed he would call 4 times and day and she would go to his house for a few hours one or two times a week. I know she didn't cheat on me but she would stop whatever she was doing(including talking to me) to answer his calls or go to his place. More and more I felt like I was second in her life. When I confronted her with this she said 'Isn't it normal to be like that with a friend?' a sentiment that I agreed to. But more and more she started to get jealous of the fact I had female friends. SHe would say I am humiliating her by going to a bar with friends of 6 years which by chance consist of 5 females and one male (result of the line of work I am in). She even accused me of cheating on her just because I went to the pub. I even pointed out to her that who is more likely to cheat, me who is in a public area with a group of people or you who spends many hours alone with their ex.But her jealousy continued which in turn sparked up my jealousy. She eventually got comfortable with my friends but I never got comfortable with her past or her ex again and after one day she went to her ex's 24th b'day party for 13 hours I became completely broken. After it she joked about how unhappy I looked and how she wants to take a photo and show it to the kids if we ever had them. It was that moment I decided I would never want to marry her or have kids with her. For too long she had put her ex before me and made me feel bad not liking it. I felt that everything I have given her was then handed to her ex. SO I told her this and told her its time she picked and then I proceeded for one day to treat her like she treated me. By the end of the day her tune changed she cut back contact with her ex. But I told her it was too late for that and she had gone too far that it was him or me. She picked me but took her time cutting out her ex(only now a year on is it complete). Because of this whole period of time I am now having so much trouble coping with her past. All 5 guys. I constantly picture her with her ex. I feel like I waited for no reason. That I am being punished. for 13 months I have been so upset and depressed. Even almost ended my life on various occasions. I am seeking help for it now, bnut government help is hard to come by and the counselling is limited. TO make it worse she recently moved to my country and we are now living together. I thought when she came across she would be leaving all of her past(especially her ex) behind her. I did say if she moves in with me I will not put up with her ex. But on the second day of her being here she recieved an email off her ex. She told me that it was a group email and he must have forgotten to take her off the list. DUring the first five weeks of her being here she didn't have a job and didn't really look for one, so I ended up working 65 hours a week to make ends meet. After a while I applied for jobs for her and finally she got one but was always sick or some other excuse so I have to(continuing till this day) work the extra long hours. This I was willing to do until I founf about 4 weeks ago that the email off her ex was actually a love letter begging her to come back to him and that he would pay the money for her to come back home(naturally written in her native language so I didn't understand). I felt like our new relationship in my country has started on a lie and I worked all those hours on a lie. But it doesn't end there.A few weeks ago I found out she still keep the guys sister(naturally I said no more contact because you can't take my feelings into account) on msn. I told her that's not fair so she deleted her with an excuse that she forgot about that, and the last saturday I noticed that the guys brother was on her msn, and once again it had another excuse. There always seems to be excuse. I work long hours to support her and she doesn't seem to take my feeling into account at all unless I spell it out to her.I don't know what to do. How can I get over her past when it has now consumed my life so much? I have even considered cheating on her, evening the score but I refuse to do it because I will not be like those other guys. Why couldn't she leave her past in the past?Please help. I want this cycle to end
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broke up, depressed, her ex, her past, jealous, money, msn, period, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Zaquisha:P  +, writes (13 December 2009):
Hi I couldnt help but be concerned about the way you are treated by your girlfriend and how it has a strain on your relationship. My advice to you is that (if taken into consideration) have a serious talk with her about her being so attached to her ex and how its not doing any good for your relationship etc If this doesnt seem to work then it looks like you have to somehow live with it for the rest of your life together probably or brake up with her and have a time period to heal with moving on with your life without having her in the picture and finding someone who appreciates you for your effort and love because its not doing you any good by also making the same selfish mistake as her just so that you could get even. Hope this helps ;)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): OK! and this is why women want to know why men will not marry them. I am going to tell you what my bff told me. You fell in love with you first. now she is breaking your heart. You are learning what all men must learn...some the easy way and some your way. Women will use you and abuse you for as long as they can get away with it. You are just making a fool of yourself and she is getting her rocks off. Women love free meal tickets, but maybe she is doing this to you, to get back at all the guys that did this to her.(mind games). So except that life is not fair! You will never get a happily ever after that first time! And your best years are ahead of you!
Now if you are ready to move on; take that hoe to the nicest resturant you can find. Preferable a very public place, get all her friends to go if you can. After you get a beer in you stand up go to the michrophone anouncer... and let it out. not your gay muchy stuff, "the fact that this hoe has spent all your money, lived on you dime, is horrible in bed, never bathes, and is still sleeping with her ex that she thought you did not know about it." then walk out of the bar or resturant and go to you house. put all her stuff outside your place and do it quick. dont give in because after you do this there is no going back. she will show up and either try to get you back or be pissed. Probably pissed, so let her go!!!
Now it is time to recover. this will take probably two years but shorter if you find something you love to do. enjoy your life and take pictures. and remember women are like monkeys, they will not let go of one branch till the have a strong grip of another one.... J Dog
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): All that and you are still with her!?!
Perhaps that is the main reason why she has 5 ex...
If she really loves you then she will be considerate of your feelings and put you first just like you have been for her. Working longs hours just to make ends meet. While you are working your ass off, she goofs off with her ex?? I dont care if its email, phone call or msn... Same thing.
DUDE YOU ARE BEING USE. Leave her already, there are plenty of fish in the sea.....alot better ones than the one you caught.
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A
male
reader, diggmachine +, writes (11 January 2006):
diggmachine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the girl that wrote the following:
oh my god you need to calm down and stop being so paranoid and posessive! etc.
Do you think that its fine that she goes and spends time with her ex alone for up to 13 hours in his house while it is wrong for me to spend a few hours at a pub with a bunch of friends of which there are more females then males? DO you think its fair that she lied to me about the email? Do you think its fair that I have to work over 60 hours a week while she barely works 20? And for the record when I gave her a dose of her own medecine she told me I was treating her badly. Maybe you should read the whole problem not just a little bit(and I know it is long sorry)
In relation to the other lady, I am not sure about the yelling at her, as a female wouldn't you find the yelling threatening?
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A
male
reader, diggmachine +, writes (11 January 2006):
diggmachine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn reply to the answer by anonymous on the 11th. As I said I wasn't possesive until she began saying I couldn't be with a group of friends because there were a lot of females in the group, while it was ok for her to spend 6-13 hours weekly alone with her ex in his house. Furthermore the fact she lied about the email as well as laying around while I worked sixty or so hours a week is not fair to me. Did you even read the whole letter?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2006): oh my god you need to calm down and stop being so paranoid and posessive!
no offence but you constantly obsessing about her ex boyfriends and cutting her off from her friends when she has moved a long way to be with you is probably what is destroying the relationship!
doesn't it tell you anything that your gf turned down the love letter from her ex?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2006): i feel sorry for you, i think she is just using you, the fact she is still having someting to do with her ex boyfriends and there familys tells me she still is not over them and still wants to be part of their lives, it does not sound like she has much respect for you or your feelings, the fact you have spoken to her about this and she still remains to stay in contact sounds like she is not really considering how all this effecting you.i dont think cheating on her is the answer, that will probably make the situation even worse and even destroy the relationship. i think that you working so much is not very fair, sounds like she is abit lazy and i think the only way for this to work is if you sit down and just express your feelings to her, who cares if you have to yell at her because she has to be scared for it to sink in , tell her to get a job or atleast try find one and for her to stop all contact with her ex boyfriends and their families or she is out. If my boyfriend was having that much contact with his ex girlfriends i would have left him along time ago, its not ok for her to be doing this, especially if it is destroying the relationship.you need to give her an ultimatum, "stop having contact with ex boyfriends" or "get out", and if she still does it when she promised she wont anymore just kick her out.What your asking her to do is not unreasonable, you should not be in a relationship where your feeling like your second to that person. i know this seems harsh but i think thats the only way it will sink in to her head and make her relize what she is doing is wrong.good luck
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