A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I dated this guy for a year and a half but we broke it off cause he were fighting a lot and I would still talk to him or go visit him (lives a little far) then when I finally decided that I couldn't take it anymore, i stopped trying all together to talk to him or be in his life and he came back saying he loves me, I trusted him and we started dating again. but it didn't last long cause we had issues. we had a huge fight a few months ago and didn't talk for 3 weeks; (that's really unusual because even when we aren't dating, we text each other just asking how we are, and whats been up) but this fight was big and my fault so i ended up caving in and talking to him again. I told him straight up that I still cared a lot about him but he said he had no feelings for me anymore (in the dating way) he says he cares about me but he doesn't even have the slightest feelings for me. if he really doesn't have any feelings for me? than why is he still talking to me? and been all cute/flirty? and asked me if there's anyone else? He said he would straight up tell me if there was anyone else in his life but then at the same time he says he doesn't care about me at all in that way. I don't get him. I would love anyones opinions. fact is, i really do love him more than i've ever loved anyone, i've tried very hard to get over him too. but something in me just can't let him go. (trust me i've tried everything i can) Oh and it's been almost 4 now since this has been going on; this on and off thing i guess.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 May 2013):
 I care about my ex-husband but I don't want him as anything other than a very casual friend.
I agree that the only way for you to heal from this is to go no contact with him. YOU can't begin to heal as long as you are hanging on to a useless friendship.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 May 2013):
 When 2 people break up the feelings that you have can go (for one person or both), which means that they dont have any 'romantic' feelings for you anymore i.e. they no longer have any feelings for that person that would drive them to want to be in a relationship with them anymore.
However as you are experiencing yourself, even if you dont have any feelings for that person anymore when you have been together a long time it is hard to let go of them. This isnt because you still love them or want to be with them, it is because they are so 'familiar' in your life that it seems weird to function without them.
Hence why your ex is still talking to you - because that is what he has done every day for the last 4 years; he doesnt know any different. Why is he being cute/flirty? That is the way he has always spoken to you; he doesnt know any different. Why is he asking if there is anyone else? Because he cant imagine seeing you with someone else because you have been his for 4 years and he wont like the idea of you being with someone new.
Does that mean he still loves you and wants you back? No. It just means he is going through a break-up and is learning how to cope without his girlfriend of 4 years. You must have heard of the saying 'he doesnt want you but doesnt want anyone else to have you'? That means his feelings have gone, but he still doesnt want to see you with anyone else either.
What you need to do now is accept that this relationship wasnt working for a long time, when you are on and off like this it shows that you really are not compatible, that you cant work through problems together so a long term happy relationship would have never been possible. To make a relationship work you need COMMUNICATION, rather than breaking up at the first sign of trouble. If you cant communicate then you cannot have a successful relationship - simple as that. So in your case whilst you might have loved each other, you were not right for each other, you were not capable of talking through your problems together therefore you were not compatible for a long term relationship.
Once you have accepted this it will help you to move on. Love is great, but you need a lot more than love alone to make a relationship work and unfortunately your relationship was missing a number of crucial components.
Cut contact with him as well, I know it seems like a nice idea to be friends but the reality is friends with an ex never works unless the break up was mutual and neither person has feelings for the other anymore. This is not the case for you, so you wont be able to stay friends without it causing problems. As soon as you stop talking to him and stop any way of contacting him (delete him from Facebook too so you cant see what he is doing) then the break up will become real for you - at the moment its just another 'on/off' situation and in your head you will be thinking he will come back eventually. But that is the worst thing that can happen, this relationship isnt working and this needs to be the final break up.
Cut contact and it will begin the healing process, yes break-ups suck and you are going to feel rubbish for a long time but eventually you will start to feel better as you learn to live without him.
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