A
female
age
36-40,
*herub_88
writes:So here is my problem. I cannot seem to get over my ex boyfriend! He was my first love, we were together for 6 years and for 95% we were happy. However it ended with us both cheating on one another (I know - couldn't have been that happy right?? But that's not the issue here) We split up when I was 22 and I am now almost 26. I have had two relationships in these four years of which both did not work out. I think mainly because I can't let go of my past. My ex and I still text each other every now and again and we have remained friends. He has a girlfriend whom I believe he is happy with with. What do I do?? I would have him back if ever he asked me - I still love him very much. I feel this is one sided however - I feel he has moved in completely.. I just can't seem to do the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2014): You need to let go and end all contact with your ex completely.
That means detach 100%. Like he no longer exists. Pretend he went to the moon. His girlfriend must really be tired of your hovering.
You've only remained friends; because you're holding on to the false-hope he'll take you back.
You need to realize that there is no "one and only" for anybody.
There are dozens of people, all existing at the same time, having the potential to love you. That holds true for every human being on the planet. One person could have dozens of people who will enter their lives as a lover or mate at some point in time. Your boyfriend figured this out. So far you haven't.
There are men who could be living within only blocks that may be intended to cross your path at any given time. You may have dozens of perfect matches scattered everywhere.
You're ignoring them all. Suspended in time.
When you are single, you must be ready and available for this meeting of chance to take place. Look to the future with optimism, and let go of the past. It is making you unhappy. It is effecting your mental-health.
You are presently caught in limbo over some guy happily living his life, while yours is on hold.
Come on, how can we live on a planet of billions of people and be destined to be loved by only one? You think fate is going to bring him back to you. So what's the plan if that doesn't happen?
There are several folks created for us, to be met over a lifetime. That's how it works. You are allowed to chose among a wide variety of mates. Not cling to one in hopeless desperation. You had better seek help to find a way to move on, so you will not miss out on your destiny.
What happens if people should die, fall out of love, breakup, or divorce from marriage? We can't be meant for only one person. We have to reset our minds to move on;and allow others to enter our lives to love us. Once love is lost in one place, we move on to find it in another.
You're letting love and life pass you by.
You only remained friends to keep one foot in your ex's life. If you suddenly disappeared, he would hardly notice.
It may bring him relief to know you were finally able to get a life of your own.
You refuse to let him go, and you have a very stubborn nature. So stubborn, that you are torturing yourself; and trying to be an ever-present wedge in his relationships.
Get over this first-love nonsense. Your first, not your last.
He's doing just fine, and even got a new girlfriend.
You're still hovering over his life like a vulture, ready to swoop down the minute you think he's available. That isn't going to happen.
You've dedicated your existence to idolizing your ex. You have placed him up on a pedestal worshiping and serving him as if he was something holy. Apparently you don't mean as much to him.
Don't be the ancient old-lady in the tattered old wedding gown, waiting forever. As if some one guy was your only reason for living.
You really need professional therapy to help you to move on with your life. It has now gone from love, to obsession.
That isn't healthy for you.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (2 February 2014):
 In this scenario I would cut all contact with your Ex, even after 4 years your still not letting go.
When you do meet somebody special your heart and mind need to be free to let them in.
Your 'stuck' in the past, he was your special first love, not by any means your last though.
Delete his number, and look forwards, not back. He is, he has moved on.
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A
female
reader, Cherub_88 +, writes (2 February 2014):
Cherub_88 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat last part was meant to say moved on completely
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A
female
reader, catcher00  +, writes (2 February 2014):
No judgements. Just advice. Stop texting him. It does you no good. You could make one final plea and confess your feelings but I personally don't think that's a good idea and it's unfair to his current gf. It may end up back firing on you too if he's a bad guy and ends up using you as an ego boost. At any rate, I truly believe you're idealizing your rlshp with your ex bc it was your first, bc nothing has worked out since and bc he moved on more successfully sooner than you. Those are three powerful factors that effect females the most. You're forgetting the bad and only remembering the good. Common psychological tactic. I don't think things didn't work out with the other guys bc you still have feelings for your ex. I actually think you still have feelings for him bc things haven't worked out with anyone else yet. As soon as the right guy comes along you won't give your ex another thought. You're young. Stop living in the past. Start by deleting his number.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2014): I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's apparent that he does not want you back and isn't interested in you romantically anymore. That sounds like heartbreaking news but it could be a blessing in disguise. Now you have the opportunity to just focus on yourself and your own well being and needs, and when you're ready you will also have the opportunity to find a man who genuinely wants you, unlike your ex.I think the fact that you two still contact each other is making it harder to move on. I suggest going no-contact with your ex. Eventually, it will lead to you never thinking about him for days on end. It's impossible to completely get someone out of your mind if their name lights up on your phone screen every now and then.By pining over someone who does not want you, you are wasting your time. Do yourself a favor and start making the steps necessary to move on, by not contacting him and by distracting yourself and having some me-time.
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