A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI'm dating a guy younger than me for past 4 months. We hang around in his place during weekend. It's the second time I find him sleeping in living room because he says he steal his blanket and he can't sleep or I turn around a lot. I am not sure how I will stop doing something which I do during sleep. And he wants to listen to music during sleep and i am very light sleeper and he keeps me awake almost all night. Till now I haven't said anything about it, I try to adjust but the way he is doing things makes me wonder whether I'm adjusting way too much than necessary. He never responds back properly sometimes takes an entire day to respond back, never calls me unless I call him, which I stopped doing. If I ask anything which he doesn't have answer to gets annoyed a lot, even if I say a normal stuff he gets into defensive mode way too often.Though he does all these, I assumed that's his nature and I try to work around it, but sleeping in a different bed this early in relationship is a problem for me. I don't know what I should do here, please helpThanks Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): Drop him! Tell him to take his blankie and go to the nearest hostel or hotel.
He is using you and trying to make you feel bad while he does it.
Bring a new guy round and tell him "no more b&b from me and i dont love you."
"Never did and never will.Bye byebaby.
Call
me never!
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (25 June 2016):
 It doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible for each other. The thrill of the relationship seems to be waning, so it's natural to just drift apart. I would suggest you keep your options open for a more compatible mate.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 June 2016):
 I agree with Cindy, it's not WHERE he sleeps that should bother you, it's the rest you mention.
Getting annoyed when you ask him stuff, gets constantly defensive, doesn't seem to put a whole lot of effort into communication, doesn't seem willing to compromise about anything.
Those are things that will NOT be easy (nor should it) to "adapt" to.
It's been 4 months, are you SURE you can see yourself long-term with him? That is what you should be considering, not worried about him sleeping on the couch.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (25 June 2016):
 Sleeping in bed together this early on isn't actually that common. Maybe his age/immaturity causes his defensiveness and such.
I don't see you as well-matched, to be honest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016): actually... My first thought was, "uh oh, how much bed time do you spend with NOT sex? And when its HIM texting you is it about spending TIME or for sex?"
I know ANY man who used me for sex, or ANY FWB that I thought was a relationship it was me doing all the reaching out and the bed situation was similar only I was put on the couch!
I didn't realize that I came across as "needy" when I gave him random texts. BUT it depends on WHAT you are texting and what he's calling for.
It could be innocent: he's good in bed, but bad at literally sleeping with someone. He IS busy, likes his time at work/school/alone/with family or friends/you ... to be separated that's understandable IF his time with YOU is uninterrupted.
How about this, "Ted, I feel bad when we can't sleep together so I think overnights are a bad idea for us. Since I love spending time with you, let's make all our arrangements for DAY and EVENING times." Instead of texting him ALL the time, show you have a life (which I'm sure you do) by texting, "good morning" "hope you have a good day at work" "what did you get at lunch?" "Have fun with Bill/your family" "I'm free this evening but if I don't hear from you by 7, I'll just find something to do". And leave it at that. It gives him a chance to respond AND it gives him a reason to chase you. Instead of you chasing him. Also, YOU make plans for a picnic/dinner (your treat and ask when he's available. That requires a response from him so YOU can plan.
Also, if he doesn't know until " last second" (or REaroundtill then), requiring you to switch gears, that shows HE wants to call all the shots. Or make YOU wait around with an empty schedule until HE is available.
Bottom line: no more overnights, be less available and see if MOST of your time together is not-sex
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 June 2016):
 This phrase: "....I assumed that's his nature and I try to work around it,..." does NOT portend a likely successful "relationship."
WHY should YOU (or, anyone) have to "work around" the foibles of your partner???????
I trust you and this character will split in the future... and, then, YOU can get on with your life....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016): He is younger than you and his habits clash with yours. He prefers to sleep in a separate bed whereas at this early stage of your affair he should be glad to share bed with you. I think all these are red flags saying that he is not very much into you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016): Dear, you complain too much. If you disturb each others sleep and he sleeps in a different place not to disturb you, then don't complain. You're a light sleeper and he sleeps by music.
What you wanted him to do is put-up with your tossing and give-up his music. You're not even aware he's not there until you wake-up, right? Then go climb into bed with him.
It's only four months into the relationship; and this is where you're learning about each other. If you're staying at his house; then he gets to make the rules. Eventually you may want to move in together, this is your trial period. I advise you to minimize your complaints.
Now as far as responding when you text, you have a legitimate complaint about taking his sweet time to respond to your messages. Suggest to him sweetly you'd like to hear from him more often; and please don't take so long to get back to me, baby! Please address this only once. Don't whine or nag about it. It's somewhat of a test, as well. If he just really isn't into messaging, or if he only wants to hear from you for playtime. Note how long it takes to get back to you, and consider it a red-flag if it's way too long. If he apologizes and reasonably explains why, accept.
He also has a right to curb chains of constant messages. There is a reasonable limit to messaging. Too many comes across as needy and insecure. Even demanding.
Be flexible, discuss your needs, listen to his, and try to compromise on things. Tell him it hurts your feelings when he sleeps in a separate bed. If he wants to listen to music before he sleeps, then it's okay; but come back to bed to cuddle. Then stop taking all the covers, and ask him to stroke you when you toss; and that might sooth your restless sleep.
Be sweet, my dear. It's all just getting used to each other and all will workout with some gentle discussion and compromise.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2016):
 I guess it's a matter of opinions . In your place, personally I'd be concerned about all the rest BUT the sleeping arrangements.
My parents stayed happily married for decades although sleeping separately ( my father snored in a horrific way )
If you have different sleeping habits and you end up bothering each other and depriving each other of a restful sleep, I think it's the most sensible solution if he removes himself somewhere else after your goodnight kiss, cuddles and whatnot.
It's all the rest that does not work. That he makes you chase him, that he gets annoyed a lot when you speak, that he gets defensive way too often even when you are not accusing.
Maybe it's just his nature- or maybe it's a sign that you are not very compatible and can't communicate properly.
But even if it's just his nature,- you are right, why should you have to work around it- if he does not work around yours , and does not meet you half way ? Is he willing to compromise, to listen to your concerns, ... or it's his way or the highway ?
IMHO, THAT is something you should think long and hard about - not where he wants to sleep.
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