A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Following a female intuition-thing, I snooped through all the thumb drives my b/f has in his briefcase while he was asleep. When he goes on business trips, he always takes photos of the job site, the people he works with, I don't know what I was searching for (female intuition not always clear, but something told me to look) Sure enough, buried among his work pics I found an old scan of his ex-girlfriend which was upsetting. She's been out of his life for 8 years, it was a bad break up, and a bad relationship in general. They were only together 2 years, but he was like a man coming off of an addictive drug habit; he was obsessed with her for the longest time and it took forever for him to move past the break up. Now it feels like everything has just been a big lie and he's just been pretending to be over her. Finding her photo neatly tucked into his work pics, makes me feel like he thinks of her when he's away, and not me. He didn't even have any pics of me in there and we've been together for 6 years. Four years ago, he did this to me, and swore he'd get rid of all the photos but he's like a junky who's gotten a whiff of his favorite drug and I feel utterly betrayed. Do you think after all this time, he's still in love with her, and holding onto some kind of hope that she'll come back? I plan to confront him tomorrow but I feel like my trust has been destroyed.
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): Hi OP,
Can I ask why you even need to keep photos of your ex? even if hidden away in a box?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Fatherly Advise for a compassionate answer. I would be quite happy if my b/f kept the photos of his ex in a shoe box too. It would have never been an issue. No one is expected to give up the memories of their past, but no one wants them paraded in front of them either. I have my own "ex" photos tucked into a box hidden in a place so I can have them, but no one has to feel like it's a constant reminder. I think you finally understand where I'm coming from and why I felt it was a little odd to keep those pics so handy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): girl! i am so with you on this one! i saw photos of two exes on his cell phone (one in lingerie - this one he supposedly 'couldn't stand'). it has changed everything i believe about him and our relationship.
it's not the same, it'll never be the same. those pictures mean something significant to them and they are holding onto the past so tightly that they have crushed their futures.
this is not normal behavior for someone who is over an ex. they may be 'happy' with us, but this is behavior that is just wrong. there are no two ways about it.
they didn't forget. it took time and effort to get those pics on their phone/computer. they may be wonderful guys, but they are stuck in the past and not wonderful for us.
i have struggled with the decision to stay in this relationship for a long time. this happened about a month ago and i am in agony because i am fighting what my instincts are telling me.
enough is enough. i have been miserable long enough. the trust is gone and i didn't cause this. thank you for sharing your story and letting me know i'm not crazy. there is such a thing as woman's intuition. guys don't get it because they JUST DON'T GET IT.
good luck to you 'a female' from 'another female' :-)
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 Thanks for writing back. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to reply to this. I think an apology would fall on deaf ears, but there is an issue that needs to be addressed.
Yes indeed I have ex girlfriends. I do remember their names and have photos in old shoe boxes of them. And it has been way way longer than 8 years. I will not be giving those memories up. My life's experiences are the stuff that my personality is made up of. If I give those up I would cease to be me.
Of course I have my own problems. They are not quite the same as yours. My past is not the problem. I have enough on my plate each day not to worry about old things.
FA
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your advise, some of you get it. Some do not. I did not simply "confront" him, but did ask him WTF. He had no good reason, as I figured. So I gave him the boot. If in 8 years a man has to hang onto his past so much that it affects his future, then it's better to kiss off the 6 years than to waste more, thinking you will ever be valued as much as someone who is gone. He may have been with me, but one does grow weary of living in another person's shadow. And you cannot build a future on shifting sand. It was just one picture, this time. And the time before that, it was just 4 or 5 pictures that he swore he'd destroy and keep out of sight, not on his personal computer, or thumbdrive, for active viewing and the time before that it was secret little e-mails, and phone calls oh, but only a few. And after 6 years it simply adds up. Yes, the trust has been shaky because there have been so many times I have found dishonesty in his behavior and in his stories. This was not an isolated event. One does not throw away a perfectly good relationship over one screw up....but one cannot buld a relationship on half truths, and illusions either. Perhaps Fatherly Advise is not so fatherly afterall, and has a few skeletons in his own closet, as well as a few ex-girlfriends he cannot let go of, so of course he makes light of my feelings. But if the shoe was on the other foot, I doubt he'd be so brave. I feel much better, having taken the bull by the horns, so to speak. Why should I settle for second best?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Yeah that's weird I wouldn't like that either. That's not right or normal. I would assume in six years he might have cleaned out his briefcase which would make it unlikely that he simply had that pic there for over six years...but who knows? ...but more importantly, you would think that if he is dating you he would want YOUR pic and not the one of his ex.
The guy sounds like he's got issues and perhaps some lingering feelings for this woman. He definitely has issues.
What do you think confronting him is going to accomplish? If in six years he doesn't get it, what makes you think he is going to get it now? If in six years he still can't manage to get rid of these photos, to move on from that, after you have even made a issue about it before. I don't see much changing. He doesn't want to change. He is hung up on his past and he chooses not to let it go. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
You can accept him as he is ( a man who might indeed love you, in his own way, but isn't willing to let go of the past). Or you can let him know its not what you are looking for and go out and find yourself someone more suitable to make you feel like you want, someone who lives in the present, someone who is crazy about YOU, just you.
But keep arguing a point that it seems goes in one ear and out the other because he simply DOES NOT want to change. You have asked, he didn't deliver. I would save your energy and your words if I were you. And like I said make a choice yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 June 2010):
There was no trust anyway, so it's not like there's anything left to be destroyed. If he has all those other pictures, then it could be one that he doesn't even know he has. It was 1 picture, and is something that you can throw out now yourself. If you have to speak to him, for God's sake don't just confront him, or this will blow your 6 year relationship apart. Gently ask him about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 June 2010):
What trust? This is not some mythical feminine super power. What it is, is straight up jealousy and paranoia. You didn't trust his so you went snooping, and you found one whole picture. Now you are using that as an excuse to sabotage a six year relationship. Sounds like he doesn't mean that much to you.
When you get done breaking this relationship tomorrow morning make sure you have him give you back anything that might ever remind him of you. After all you want to be fair to the next girl.
FA
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Take it away from the briefcase and see if he notices
...............................
A
male
reader, ManAfterChrist +, writes (20 June 2010):
 This might be nothing! First thing, is relax and take a step back. He might not want to forget everything he had with her, but he doesn't love her. He even may not realize it's in there, if you found it among dozens of other pictures. If you confront him about it, don't ask accusingly. Just be curious as to what is going through his head. He's been with YOU for 6 years, not her.
...............................
|
