A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have been married for 14 years and have 2 kids ages 6 and 8.Two years ago I stumbled upon some old correspondence from my wife's ex boyfriend. When confronted with it she made light of the issue. I did some digging and found out that she has lied to me about the number of lovers she has had and that she has had one night stands, 3some and other activities with strangers that repulse me. Of course I believe that all this occurred before me. My problem is that I cannot believe that she'd done these things. I want to love her again but do not know how to. I do not feel any tenderness toward her. I love my kids and do not want to devastate them with a split up. How can I learn to love my wife again. Thanks
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one night stand, split up, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): I believe you are upset because you may not have had the experiences that she had.
I think I have an idea of how you are looking at the situation. You are seeing her as passed around sexually, used for fun, and now you believe that she did all of this stuff and you got the leftovers but you have to think of the situation like one of the members commented :
"Her past, which includes all her experiences, pleasurable and painful, makes her the woman you fell in love with. It has broadened her horizons and made YOU a better choice in HER eyes. If anything, those experiences have made your relationship stronger because she has a better frame of reference of what she wants in a man...and that man is YOU. You beat out all of those silly men...the one nighters, the men who only could please her for a few moments. You please her every day. You have touched her heart the deepest, given her children, made a promise to love her for the rest of your life. YOU are the man, my friend. Only you. You win. Remember that."
YOU WON!!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): That is true, he didn't have the right to judge her for her past back then.
But he had every right in the world to decide that her past was a deal breaker for him. She stole his rightful choice and now it has left him with this painful permanent problem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): In my opinion, she shouldn't have lied. But, I also have to ask if she was pressured into it? Would she have been able to disclose her past to you without being judged? I am having doubts about this. Not to take it lightly, but I just picture that movie clip "You can't handle the truth!" She may be ashamed or in denial about her past behavior herself. The most important thing to me, is that this is the past we're talking about. But even in the present, if you want truth, you have to not be judgemental. Another important key that will help both of you...Forgiveness is powerful medicine.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): When people call this insecurity it makes me so angry I want to throw things across the room.
The OP might be 1000% secure about his skills in the bedroom and her love for him, and that would not stop him from having SEVERE issues with this.
She has betrayed him. She has tricked him into living with a person different from who he wanted to, and probably radically different from who his own personal sense of morals allows. She has tricked him into having children with this different woman AGAINST HIS WILL. She has denied him the right to have a family and children with a woman who he morally agrees with.
Her lying was wrong. The way she is responding is still wrong now. No amount of telling the man he's insecure is going to make it anything else. His "weakness" is not the problem here. He is not the problem in any way, shape, or form.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (12 August 2010):
I can understand that this might upset you. However, it was before she met you and is now history.
That person back then is not who she is now. It's probably best if you just learn to accept it and move on. As she has not done anything to cause any doubts, there seems to be no reason for concern.
To worry about it now, when it was so long ago, is wasteful and will only cause tension between you and it's completely unnecessary.
The reason why you feel insecure, might be that it makes you feel as if you are lacking in some way. Or that maybe you are being compared with those people. If that were the case, your relationship with your wife wouldn't have lasted, surely. It's obvious that you are happy being together. Just believe in yourself, you have no reason not to.
Take Care. Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, xxmissyxx  +, writes (12 August 2010):
 and if you forgive your wife and love her even after knowing all this.. she will love you even more :) trust me
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): hi, there is no magic wand to make this better. but how about trying one day at a time. you need to open up to her and tell her how you feel. it is difficuly to really open up and admit your thoughts but this is what you must do to enable you to move forward. you are NOT a bad guy with all these feelings. you are human and you are hurting. so please take it one day at a time. good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all, Thank you for your responses. I am glad that I'd found this site. It has enlightened me to my predicament and helped me understand that I am not alone with this issue.
The problem that I need to work on is on how to learn to be tender again.
"anonymous"...your comment that she chose me is valid and will help me when the demons come knocking.
Cereberus...thank you for putting things in perspective
xxmissyxx...you are probably right, thank you.
anonymous...thank you for understanding the deception and betrayal I initially felt.
I have been to counselling but reading your input and finding more posts about this issue on this site has been extremely helpful. I am committed to making this relationship work. I do need help with getting to "live in my present' rather than "reside in her past".
Thanks
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): "It's no wonder that the majority of women lie about the number and type of sexual activities that they enjoyed, in order to protect our fragile male egos.
To be brutally honest, what she did before she met you is none of your business."
There. You've fully ripped him apart for admitting his feelings.
Do you think you have HELPED anything? Do you think your criticsms will do a goddamn thing to help him love is wife again?
He was seriously decieved by the person that he trusted most in his life. If you can't understand what is wrong with that, then you are a lot more screwed up than he is.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (11 August 2010):
 I am amazed at how many people, especially men are appalled at their wives' past. It's no wonder that the majority of women lie about the number and type of sexual activities that they enjoyed, in order to protect our fragile male egos.
To be brutally honest, what she did before she met you is none of your business.
Read and re-read the anonymous first answer. This is perfect sense. All the things that she did in her past, made her the woman she is, the woman that you fell in love with, married, and spent the past 14 years with. If anything, you should seek out her former lovers, and thank them all!!!
If your wife had been a crack whore, peddling herself for drug money, then I would be concerned. But it seems she was just being a young, free, single woman, enjoying her life, and experimenting with her sexuality. Whats the harm in that? And be honest with yourself, the idea of a 3 some isn't repulsive, but the idea of your wife participating in one is. Fifteen years ago, she was a completely different person to who she is now. We can all probably say the same thing.
So you feel no tenderness towards your wife, because of the images you are conjuring in your own head? Just remember that she comes home to you, sleeps in your bed, she is married to you, and to top it all off, she CHOOSES to do so. Be happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): As long as your wife has been faithful to YOU, what diff. does it make at this point? You guys have been married for 14 years and all of a sudden you don't love her because of her risky past??? I would have to question did you ever love her in the first place because, you just don't stop loving a person that quickly.
I say what is in the past is in the past....just as long as she hasn't been unfaithful to you in the marriage, just let it be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): In this case for me I don't see the lie as a bad thing as she was trying to protect your relationship from your irrational (in my mind) repulsion of your wife's past.
You've had 12 years of marriage before you found this out, you have to ask yourself what difference her past made to that. Because she'd already done all this stuff then, the only thing that has changed is that you found out.
Was she repulsive when you met her? Has she not been a good wife to you? Is she a good mother to your kids?
Is she a person that in the 14+ years you've known her has a good moral value system?
Your wife is obviously a good person if you're desperate to love her again. You have to find a way of looking past her sexual history, I mean I'm sure you must have things in your past, things you've done, things you've said that would be abhorrent to her, we all have things like that in our past. Look she did all those things and you still fell in love with her, you still married her and had kids with her.
Now you're stuck seeing her some kind of sexual deviant and you can't get it out of your head. You have to ask yourself why you are so opposed to what she has done, is it because she is your wife and even the idea of another man touching her makes you ill, so the idea of all these sexual acts is too much? Is it that you yourself would never have done anything like that and you just think anything but missionary position with the lights off is dirty and horrible?
You have to ask yourself a lot of questions, because you know technically she has done nothing wrong, legally, morally or ethically by doing those sex acts, she hurt no one. If you think that they're wrong then that's a matter of personal taste.
I suggest you try and immerse yourself in the world of casual sex, not by watching porn or going doing it yourself. But by reading peoples experiences, reading blogs, books of promiscuous people reading about orgies, swingers etc. Perhaps you have a conservative approach to sex, perhaps a greater knowledge of what goes on, how people feel about these acts etc. might help you better understand and perhaps get rid of some of your preconceptions of these acts as seedy or vile.
The fact you haven't given up on this and you want to find a way to fix this is something you should be proud of, the next step is to try and open up your mind to her past, and try to do whatever it takes to rid yourself of this view of her.
I wish you luck and hope you succeed, she is still the woman you married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): In this case for me I don't see the lie as a bad thing as she was trying to protect your relationship from your irrational (in my mind) repulsion of your wife's past.
You've had 12 years of marriage before you found this out, you have to ask yourself what difference her past made to that. Because she'd already done all this stuff then, the only thing that has changed is that you found out.
Was she repulsive when you met her? Has she not been a good wife to you? Is she a good mother to your kids?
Is she a person that in the 14+ years you've known her has a good moral value system?
Your wife is obviously a good person if you're desperate to love her again. You have to find a way of looking past her sexual history, I mean I'm sure you must have things in your past, things you've done, things you've said that would be abhorrent to her, we all have things like that in our past. Look she did all those things and you still fell in love with her, you still married her and had kids with her.
Now you're stuck seeing her some kind of sexual deviant and you can't get it out of your head. You have to ask yourself why you are so opposed to what she has done, is it because she is your wife and even the idea of another man touching her makes you ill, so the idea of all these sexual acts is too much? Is it that you yourself would never have done anything like that and you just think anything but missionary position with the lights off is dirty and horrible?
You have to ask yourself a lot of questions, because you know technically she has done nothing wrong, legally, morally or ethically by doing those sex acts, she hurt no one. If you think that they're wrong then that's a matter of personal taste.
I suggest you try and immerse yourself in the world of casual sex, not by watching porn or going doing it yourself. But by reading peoples experiences, reading blogs, books of promiscuous people reading about orgies, swingers etc. Perhaps you have a conservative approach to sex, perhaps a greater knowledge of what goes on, how people feel about these acts etc. might help you better understand and perhaps get rid of some of your preconceptions of these acts as seedy or vile.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (11 August 2010):
 We have a resident expert on this very issue. Go to the Top agony aunts and click on YOS. His adice will be very helpful. Just know you are definitely not alone. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (11 August 2010):
 What if it was you and not her that has done all those things, and she found out? Would you want her to forgive you, or leave you?
Let's say you left her, what would it do for you? Would that make her past any better? I understand she lied, but now what? Has she down any thing over the years since to make you question her loyalty to you and your family?
If the answer is no, then love who she is now, for the woman she is now. Kinda funny hating something you can't change?
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A
female
reader, xxmissyxx +, writes (11 August 2010):
ur wife probably didnt tell you cause she didnt want to loose you..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): This is a common, recurring theme here, and I am in a committed relationship with a woman who I feel is also hiding the truth about her sexual past, so I understand how you feel...a little anyway.
First, I would say you need counseling. Good news is, with good counseling, you WILL get through this. If these partnres were all before you...even if perhaps they were not, it is not grounds for divorce. That said, you have been very affected by this, which is totally understandable. This kind of knowledge would crush most insecure men. But keep in mind that she chose you. The woman you love today...the mother of your children...is who she is today because of her past. Her past, which includes all her experiences, pleasurable and painful, makes her the woman you fell in love with. It has broadened her horizons and made YOU a better choice in HER eyes. If anything, those experiences have made your relationship stronger because she has a better frame of reference of what she wants in a man...and that man is YOU. You beat out all of those silly men...the one nighters, the men who only could please her for a few moments. You please her every day. You have touched her heart the deepest, given her children, made a promise to love her for the rest of your life. YOU are the man, my friend. Only you. You win. Remember that.
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