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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for almost 7 years and got married straight out of high school. My husband and I have 2 children together. I have recently found out that my husband had a woman's phone number in his cell phone under a guys name. I called the girl and she said that they were just friends and then said that he liked her. I confronted him about it and he cried and told me he loved me. He said that the girl worked in a restuarant and that the reason he had her cell phone number was so that he could order food. He claims that afterwards she began calling him and telling him she liked him. He said that he di not tell me anything because he was afraid to lose me and that she threatened to lie. This has been going on for more than a month and I found out from the phone company that he has called her on many occasions. He explains that that was because she called him from a private phone and he called her back to tell her that he is a married man. I am devasted because I trusted my husband with all my heart. I never thought he would do something like this. He tells me that the only thing he is guilty of is hiding the truth from me but not cheating. My mother- in-law and my mother say I should just try to move past this because of the kids. I have told him I forgive him but I feel so resentful that I can't sleep. Should I leave him for this or suffer in silence? I still love him but I am almost as hurt as if he would have actually cheated on me. CD
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): I can understand your upset. Let me assure you that there are many problems in marriage and most likely this will not be your last.
What your husband was doing was wrong and i hope that he knows that and what results his actions might have caused. At this moment you should aim to rebuild your marriage to what it was and make sure that your husband wants that as well.
Living in the past will not help you so go forward from a new begining and good luck to you both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): I don't know whether you should leave your husband or not. However, I do understand your pain, your heartache and I am sorry. But I advocate for the children and I do think it is vitally important for all children to be raised with both their parents if possible. So therefore, I recommend you and husband get into some spiritual or marriage counseling to learn good coping skills about re-establishing trust, you have lost due to his unthinking behaviours. When trust is broken this badly, it has to be rebuilt. This is not a two week process...it is a long, long process and you do it in small steps, one day at a time. Your husband will have to make huge efforts and work hard to prove to you, he once again has the committment and character to make this work. I have assumed you have told him of your pain. He needs to understand how serious this is and he should be facing this and helping you through it. Hopefully after he establishes his trustworthiness with time and hard work on his part, you both will find renewal, in your marriage, a newfound wisdom, total forgiveness and move forward with your life. I wish you both well and you are in my heart, dear. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): Hi ,I was in the same position but I started sleeping the married guy..we talked everyday and had sex once a week after work for 4 months.I never wanted more,it was just sex for me but we did hangout during the week after work but never long he had to get home,he was fun. I told him no the first time in my apartment but after the 3rd time at my apartment he keep trying and we became intimate. When I got my new boyfriend the married guy was upset because I told him not to come over anymore and stopped seeing him......6 months later my boyfriend convinced me to write the wife a letter and I did telling her everything..she cried..the husband called and said he didnt want revenge on me and he even spoke like he missed me on the phone,i told him never contact me again.I never heard from him again. Please speak directly to the girl NOT YOUR HUSBAND. Call or see her in person,the reason..the husband was starting to fall for me(a woman knows),I dont want this to happen to you. From my experience never take a cheater back, once they have tasted a new women it is never the same
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): Sorry to hear that. For what it's worth, I think he probably cheated. I mean otherwise why would he have her number under an alias to keep you knowing. He certainly wasnt calling for food, and if HE was calling HER to tell her its over from his phone...well, it only takes once. I do think he's probably sorry for it, and realizes his mistake. I think that your mistake was telling him you forgive him when clearly you havent yet. I would tell him that you are willing to give him one and FINAL chance, but that he will have to work to regain your trust, or it will be over.
If you can move past this it should be for YOU, not the kids. I think it's best that kids live in a house filled with love rather than resentment, dont you, even if it does mean that its only with one of their parents. The tension between two adults around kids infects them, and will probably affect their own relationships in the future. You need to make sure that they are surrounded by a healthy marriage, or no marriage at all.
Good luck.
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