| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: My Wife says her feelings for me have changed. She says right now she just thinks of us as friends. She told me this after I directly asked her about her obvious lack of interest in any type of physical affection. Holding hands, a hug, a kiss, sex. She faces opposite when she sleeps. If I try to pull her closer for an embrace she pulls away. It seems to me about 1 months since I noticed. She says it started about 2 months ago but can't name a specific incident or catalyst. We've been married for 2.5 years. We dated for about 5 years before being married. I am committed to making this marriage work. Sexually things haven't been working for about 4-5 months and I think that is the root of the problem. She is very quiet and introverted about her feelings so it is difficult to get her to open up and discuss it but I think she confirmed that sex is definetely part of it. I told her if it is because of sex that we can work on that together. She says she doesn't get the urge for sex in general either.When I ask her about her feelings I am very cautious not to attack/judge or defend. I feel in every way I have been the model husband. I am having some financial problems related to being self-employed which I am working to correct. When we met I was making a 6 figure salary. She is not financially dependent on me so I don't think it is financially related. I am so confused. I truly believe that our heads control our hearts and we feel what we want ourselves to feel. My wife is in the other camp of the public that thinks your feelings are in control. I am smart, good-lucking, very caring and romantic, educated, I have dated alot of beautiful women and I chose to be with her. I want to make this work. What do I need to do to give her the space and time she needs to re-develop the feelings she once had? What should I NOT do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): Run, do not walk, away from this woman!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007): im some1s wife and i feel axactly the same as your wife. ive been married 5 yrs and have 2 kids. I cant be bothered with my husband anymore. i really dont feel like any kind of physical relationship with him and recently i dont even want to kiss him anymore.my problem is that my husband never listens to my problems and never understands anything. i suffered a little bit of postnatal depression and he told me to get over it instead of helping me. I feel that he is of no emotional use to me at all so i feel like i dont have a mental relationship with him which is why i dont feel like i want to have any physical relationship either! maybe if you try to understand your wife and listen to her when she talks and pretend you're interested in how her day went she might start bonding with you again. dont just do it once, do it all the time even if its a few mins to ask how her day was!!
...............................
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (30 May 2006):
 'She says she doesn't get the urge for sex in general either'...Could she be depressed? Women often go off sex/ relationships as part of clinical depression.
'My wife is in the other camp of the public that thinks your feelings are in control'...people who think that everything is under their own control are very suspectible to depression because when things are not going according to plan then they don't know how to ask for help or know how to shake off a bad mood (feeling all self-reliant as they are). They can internalise these feelings of worthlessness and can show them as not wanting sex/ relationships (as they don't feel sexy or valued in their own mind).
Quite apart from your job difficulties (and who doesn't have some occupational problems at some stage!) you sound like you are being supportive etc. However, she may have put up an emotional brick-wall as you are too close to her for a meaningful discussion of what is wrong. She needs to speak to someone independent - but she needs to do this in her own time, and in her own way. You can perhaps suggest that she speaks to someone with the right professional background to help her talk things through. Relationship counsellors, for instance, see people on their own not just couples. Don't mention depression or anything like that - it is better hearing that from someone neutral. Ideally she should see a doctor and be assessed for depression, anxiety etc as this can be sorted out with treatment. You could perhaps mention that she is not her 'usual self' and perhaps needs a check up, without being too specific about why you think it is important.
Try to remember that it is not your fault, and don't pressure her into feeling she must cuddle you etc as she may then feel more resentment, and that will distract her from the root of the problem which probably rests with her, rather than the people around her.
...............................
A
female
reader, mariacollie +, writes (30 May 2006):
The problem is usually always sex. It sound like she is not turned on by you anymore. Women like exciting men..it is more important than looks or income(although unemployment is a turnoff to some women).I would say work on yourself(join a free gym and work out).Women love men who have interest...gym, classes,fixing the car..etc
Get your confidence back and you might get the girl back.
Remember,women have become very sexually independent with very little guilt as in the past. Good luck
...............................
|
