A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m not quite sure how to sort of approach this situation. It’s quite complicated but to go back to the start. 12 years ago I met my now husband - he was in a relationship so nothing happened between us at that time. I did however have a 4 year on/off fling with his best friend. It was never really anything it was more just a pass the time fwb set up. We did go on a couple of dates but like I said it wasn’t really anything. But it worked for both of us. Anyway it kinda just came to a natural end and we both stopped getting in touch and that was that. No hard feelings either side. Anyway, 7 years ago my husband and I started a relationship and have gone on to have a child. His friend started dating and has gone on to marry and have 2 kids with a really great girl. Someone I’ve known for a time before I met them (the guys) and me and her have became good friends naturally because our husbands are friends and we have kids the same age. Anyway, the last year the relationship with his friends has became really distant - not from my husband but sort of from us as friends/families doing things together. My husband has brushed it off that he’s busy with work but now I know it’s not that. He came to help fix something at our house whilst my husband wasn’t there. I pulled him up on what’s going on etc. He told me that he can’t keep spending time with ‘us’ and seeing the life he should be having. That it hurts him to see me happy and not with him. That we both know the best sex we’ve ever had is with each other, and that my husband can’t please me like he can. Like this completely blindsided me as whatever went on with us was never serious and ended so long ago. I absolutely do not reciprocate whatever it is he is feeling for me and told him that. I’ve obviously not told my husband as it would completely destroy their friendship of 30 years. But now I don’t feel comfortable in his presence and feel like I’m hiding some huge secret.
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2023): "I pulled him up on what’s going on etc."
In short: I think Arielle nailed it when she ponders about 'the truth'.
Did it occur to you that maybe he actually feels exactly the way you do: 'whatever went on with us was never serious and ended so long ago' ?
Did it occur to you that maybe his heart did not even skip a single beat following what he told you and that's why none of us has seen *him* on DearCupid.org?
Did it occur to you that rather than an oohhhh sooooooo interesting(!!) response like
"huh?? distancing ourselves?? did we?? errr... that's just Life being Life, actually... no??" he went for what *he thought* was probably enough to warrant posting about on DearCupid.org ?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2023): Just to add, my husband is aware of the fling I had with his friend before our relationship but we’ve never discussed it. The wife has no idea and obviously I have no intention of ever telling her or her finding out.
Youcannotbeserious - I think you’ve probably hit the nail on the head. I think he’s bored in his marriage and wanting to relive the past. I know that him and his wife sleep in separate rooms and have done for like 3 years just because of the kids and I think that’s had a knock on effect for their relationship. But doesn’t absolve him of being completely inappropriate to me. I do think he is going through something atm and hasn’t even really processed what he’s even said to me, as I honestly don’t think he would jeopardise his friendship with my husband. I’m going to let the dust settle and hope that he’s realised what a mistake he has made.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 March 2023):
 I'm pretty sure I understand what is really going on here.
Your former FWB is yearning for "the good old days" when he was younger and carefree, enjoying no-strings sex with you. Now he has two children, who are probably draining his wife's energy and dampening down her sex drive. He has financial responsibilities, not only for himself but also for his wife and children. Sometimes it is probably overwhelming. What better escape than remembering the times when he had no responsibilities and just lived for the moment?
That said, there is absolutely no excuse for what he said to you, especially given he and your husband are supposedly best friends. Maybe their relationship has run its course after 30 years and they need to fiend other friends.
In your shoes I would stay in contact with the wife if you can but steer clear of spending time with her husband. I would also make it very clear to him - if you haven't done so already - (1) that you are very happy with your husband and (2) nothing is ever going to happen between you and him again. He needs to put his energy into his marriage, not be looking to lay his BF's wife. He is a piece of work.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 February 2023):
 I have to agree with anon, he is testing the waters with you.
Seriously, IF he had wanted something SERIOUS with you, he would have brought it up WAY before you started dating his friend and he started dating someone else.
He is having a fantasy where you are the "one that got away" and "perfect" because he isn't happy in his own marriage (for whatever reason).
I think the best thing you can do is taper off the contact with him and unfortunately his wife too. He isn't a friend to either you or your husband.
Do not be alone with him.
Yeah, they WERE friends for a long time, but someone who talks to his "supposed" BFF's wife the way he talked to you.. is NOT a friend.
Don't try and "fix" the friendship for your husband.
I think I would also talk to your husband about what was said. He seems petty enough to bring it up at some point because he is jealous of your husband. Don't keep secrets.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (27 February 2023):
 Its a tricky one I must say, I know the right thing to do would be to tell your husband what happened. But as you say it would put their relationship of 3o years in jeopardy, and also your friendship with his wife no doubt.
For this guy to come to your house and lay all that on you is really wrong and he knows it, he is a creep and certainly not someone you want in your life that's for sure.
I don't know, I feel if you don't say anything he is going to still coming over. You might even have the odd get together which as a consequence are now going to be massively awkward.
It happened a long time ago as you say, and the past should stay in the past as anonymous said. But the problem is the past is not in the past he is still very much in the present and your always going to feel like your hiding some huge secret which can result in being very unhealthy.
I think if you want to let the past go, lift this huge weight on your shoulders, i think divulging to your Husband what's going on will kind of set you free.
At the end of the day you have done nothing wrong here, you are just in an uncomfortable situation and confiding in your husband.
Or don't tell him and keep going on as your going, but i do feel you will always feel like your hiding a secret.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2023): Oh God he's a piece of shit! He's just testing you to see if you feel even remotely the way he does, because then he'll start undressing and taking off his pants and jump into the sack before you even finish nodding your head. He doesn't mean a word of the emotional nonsense... He just wishes he could have his wife at home and YOU on the side. He's trying to create problems where there are none and he thinks and is trying to convince you that he's some great stud who's made love to you in ways your husband never can.
Just stay away from him, behave like you know nothing and don't let him play with your head. What happened was in the past, let it stay there.
...............................
|
