A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi There,I'm a 42yr old married man with 1 child. Myself and my wife are arguing alot at the moment and not getting on at all, I feel we are at a point that anything that can create an argument will. Yesterday was my wife's birthday we have had a rocky week and I order flowers to pickup, a birthday cake a gift and a card, I do this every year.In the morning of her birthday we both woke to get our son who is 2 out of his cot and I spoke to him explaining what day it is who's birthday it is and to say happy birthday to mummy etc... I notice my wife is a bit cold towards me though that's not unusual at the moment, I then go and get the card that my son had also 'drawn' in to give to her. I thought it would be cute, she puts it aside I realize now I'm in trouble. We have breakfast and she has a go at me saying I couldn't even say Happy birthday to her, I said it through our son. I guess that was true but it wasn't my intention to do so I said, so I said happy birthday to which she say's it's too late now. I thought this was silly to be honest and the thought had never even crossed my mind.She proceeds to be petulant all day, doesn't even open the card or gift for hours, I retrieve the flowers and cake etc.. we do it and spend the evening apart. The next morning I get hauled over the coals about it again. I feel this is a gross over-reaction I had no intention of not wishing her a happy birthday but within 10mins she had decided that was today's problem and that was that. This isn't normal right ? It's just her reacting to the fact we are in a bad patch surely because this would not happen in a loving partnership would it ? I don't even know how to handle it now, I apologized at the time saying I definitely meant nothing by it and was pr-occupied with getting our 2yr old to say it and get your present. I feel it's a pointless vindictive argument and there is nothing left to be said in that I meant nothing by it apologized and that's it but she continues on down this path of 'that's how I felt so that's what it was' which feels like her excuse for everything, sometimes I feel I can't be held responsible for how she 'feels' about something.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2023): If a boulder topples over in the Andromeda galaxy, and there's no one around to hear it... does it still make a sound?
If a man cheats on his wife, and... gets to learn through his 'relationship' with his mistress that he had been in what he thought was a 'relationship' , with narcissists... is he still wrong?
Most likely, [for the One-size-fits-all'ionalists'...] Yes.
There is no 'one size fits all' model, Man.
I'm your age. I'm desperate for a solution to what you've posted about... by all means... let's compare notes.
Thank you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 March 2023):
 It does seem like you two are not communicating with each other at all.
I absolutely can see this from both sides.
You wanted to make the "Happy Birthday" cute by having little man gift her the card.
She felt like you didn't CARE about her when YOU didn't wish her happy birthday.
I'm not really sure why you apologized here. To be frank.
I think IF you two want to fix this and save your marriage, you might want to consider some counseling and learn how to communicate better.
Your wife is TOO old to act like a 3-year-old and be petulant and pout all day over this. But I'm guessing there is more to this story than this.
"sometimes I feel I can't be held responsible for how she 'feels' about something."
Well, you can and you can't. If you do something hurtful (even if YOU don't think it's a big deal - it's still hurtful) - so there ARE times when you ARE responsible for your ACTIONS that lead to her FEELINGS.
What else is going on in your marriage? Is this the norm?
That she CREATES drama out of thin air?
Did she suffer from PPD and is still affected? Has she been to the doctor for a full workup? This sounds a lot like her hormones are all out of whack. Or someone who is depressed and unhappy and taking it out on the spouse.
I'd definitely suggest you two go see SOMEONE - like a family counselor.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2023): It appears you two have a communication block between you; and you both are avoiding the issues, and just acting-out through spite and anger. She has internalized resentment, and avoiding any discussion to reach compromise or solutions leaves your problems to fester and grow worse with time. Some people are experts at criticism and passing blame; but bad at getting straight to the point, and explaining what their beef truly is. Some even expect you to figure it out without even telling you what it is.
In most cases, an attempt has been made to tell each-other what the root of the problem is in your marriage. If you're in denial, or prone to gaslighting; things will only grow worse. We get your side, but not hers. How can we give you sensible and effective advice?
People get angry and have fights for reasons. Lingering grudges are usually based on issues that were never fixed; or nobody wants to admit they are wrong. If you both dismiss each-other's concerns, all you'll do is do your little dance going around and around, or back and forth. You don't discuss problems, you argue. Which means everybody is too stressed and angry to reason; and nobody knows how to reach a place of understanding to root-out your problems. You cite no examples of what you fight about, you just mention she's pouting and angry. I don't know about situations where people are always angry for no reason; unless you're implying she is mentally-ill.
Has she been evaluated for postpartum depression? If she's always angry, moody, and depressed; these may be signs that she needs to see her doctor, and he or she can determine if there are any underlying health-issues that need immediate attention.
It is likely you're both going to need family therapy; because you spend too much time in conflict, and don't seem to know how to workout your marital issues. Your post suggests she's always spoiling for a fight. You have a contentious issue you both have never addressed properly; and one (or both of you) are avoiding any direct discussion about it. Be that the case, you'll need a therapist (or counselor) to help you to confront it.
My dear sir, when you can't penetrate a wall of resentment and anger; if you want to salvage your marriage, you may require seeing a marriage-counselor.
It's difficult to convince men to consider marriage-counseling; because it seems intrusive, we don't like exposing our emotions in front of people, and many guys fear that embarrassing/incriminating details about them may be exposed. If you both still love each-other, and you can't open a line of effective-communication between you; you will have to consider family therapy/marriage-counseling before calling lawyers. Divorce should be your last and final resort. Some health plans cover family-counseling, and some employee benefits include it; if the cost is a concern.
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