A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Almost a year ago I met a girl who I became instantly infatuated with. Unfortunately my feelings were never reciprocated and I have made the great mistake of befriending her, leaving me in what seems to be an impossible position. This girl has plenty of admirers and as a result plenty of reasons for me to get jealous. This hurts quite considerably as there is always somebody in the picture and recently she has taken a liking to one of my best friends. This is causing me to feel increasingly anxious and jealous although I realise there is nothing either of them can do about it. I don't like how things are between us at the moment. I consider her one of my very closest friends and she is certainly the one person I feel really understands me. I enjoy her company alot and have tried to meet up with her in the past although each time an excuse is given for why she can't turn up, usually at the last minute. I feel frustrated and embarrassed that she doesn't seem to want to get to know me any better. I have tried in the past to forget about her and not contact her but it always ends up being for nothing. She is very deeply rooted into my current social structure and to completely avoid her for any length of time means also avoiding my other friends. I am not a popular or particularly well liked person and so my small bunch of friends are precious to me. On top of this she keeps close track of all her friendships and will know if I am ignoring her, which she doesn't seem to like. I feel trapped because I cannot ever be as close to her as I wish to be but can't even persuade her to want to spend any more time than she has to with me either which as I said before, leaves me with a huge sense of humiliation and rejection, that somebody I care so much for isn't even remotely interested. Yet at the same time she won't allow me to cut contact and do my own thing either. I am forced to watch her relationships develop right in front of me and I am hating every second of it. For what its worth she is aware that I have feelings for her, although I don't expect she realises to what extent.Please help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers!
I will grin and bare it as best I can. Plenty more fish in the sea, right?
;)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): i just have to to thank you for writing in with this problem as i know what your going through. i became infatuated with this girl a while back who i thought felt the same about me as i did about her. we dated but she ended it. i too then went through watching her hook up with other guys that i never think are good enough for her. i made the same mistake as you in telling her how i feel. i kept thinking she used me every now and then cos when we met up (always when she wanted to and never when i did) she would say and do things that she new would make me jelous(like telling me about her and someone she was seeing). she also said and did things she knew i would like(i think she enjoyed tormenting me). those included describing what sexy clothes she would be wearing when she went out up town and getting all touchy feely(like grabbing my ass).
if it is just infatuation who feel towards her it will pass over time. my infatuation for my ex passed after a while. if you have stronger feelings for her be prepared for them to last a lot longer(it can be very frustrating at times but you have to remember you are young and there will be plenty more girls in the future). one thing similar to what Who wrote about the photo is to try and think about things about this girl that you dont like(even if its small, make it into a big matter in your mind. this is to try and make her into the bad guy that isnt perfect). it help with me. in my mind my ex went from the most beautiful girl ever who in my mind was perfect to this atractive but not the hottest girl ever and a girl who wasnt that that perfect after all.
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A
male
reader, Who +, writes (15 April 2009):
 Well, not to be cruel of flippant, but it sucks to be you.
Sometimes life throws a problem you can’t fix. I’m pretty sure that is what you have got. Your choices are live with it and move on, or let it beat you, grind you down, eat away at you from the inside. My advice is take the first choice.
You are young with your whole life ahead of you. You write very well, a sign of intelligence not many your age have; it will take you far. You have a small bunch of friends now but that doesn’t mean you will not have larger and different bunches for friends later. New friends that are not connected with this girl who is you current infatuation. You will have a whole lot of girls in your future with whom you can be infatuated. Some will be infatuated with you, and they will make this girl and all others that do not return your feeling meaningless.
Everybody goes through what you are now, and they have been since the beginning of time. Just look at all the poems, songs, plays, etc written about this, in all languages. Sometimes it is so bad it feels like it will kill you. But it won’t. You just have to wait it out. While you are waiting, you can try taking a photo of this girl. Look at it for a while, and then draw a beard on it. Add some horns, a few gaps in her teeth, maybe a scar. That always helped me.
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