A
female
age
51-59,
*enluvs2fish
writes:I have lived with my bf for almost 6 years now. We have been thru a lot and I really love and care for him. The problem is he has a 14 year old bratty son who no one has ever diciplined and now the child's mother wants to give up custody and have us raise him. I don't want to do this at all! Not to mention that my bf doesn't make enough money to pay his fair share of the bills...I pick up the slack! My bf is irresponsible and doesn't understand why I am so against this. He doesn't do his part around the house and uses any excuse he can to keep from going to work. I do all the laundry and most the housework. The man has NEVER cleaned a bathroom the whole time we have been together. His kid is a brat and very whiney and spoiled and cries to get his way at 14 years old. He has no manners and yells at his dad and grandparents, who don't seem bothered by his bad behavior. My boyfriend will say he is gonna dicipline him, but never does. I'm not crazy about children to begin with, but I can't stand a kid with no manners and a severe case of brattyness. My bf thinks I am being mean because I have threatened to move out if he moves in. All the furniture and household items are mine, as he was living with his mom when we got together. He says he won't leave and his name is on the lease. My name is also on the lease and I don't know if I can get off of it. He thinks if I don't want to raise his brat that I should leave. Even though he can't afford the bills or to refurnish the house. My bf says his mother (the childs grand mother) will help pay the bills once the kid moves in, but I don't want this at all. If he wants to raise his son, he should work and pay for it hisself, not have to call his mommy for power bill money! The kid is staying at his grandparents (my bf's parents) as of right now and I think he should stay there cause they think he is an angel and everything he does wrong is someone else's fault. My bf hasn't even mentioned to his parents thet we are having serious problems because of this. They think I am agreeing to raise him! They want him to live here because we are in a better school district than them. I know they will hate me when they find out I don't want the kid and he won't tell them its a problem. I have also caught the kid stealing from me and he is currently on probation for stealing someone's golf cart and driving it in the creek, but that wasn't his fault, it was the other boys he was with...RIGHT! I mentioned getting a nany cam for when he is here alone and my bf got mad and said that was wrong and he wouldn't hear of it! HELP! Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): Hi I read this whole thing and my first thought is, you seem to be in a one-sided relationship. I understand you love him, but is it really worth it, is he really treating you that great? He does not help you like he should, in other words, he is not treating you right, so are you sure this is the man you want to be with, much less living with? Sometimes love just isn't enough to make a relationship work. As for the teenager, well you have to be really dedicated to your man in order to help him raise his teenager, especially since he is lacking so much discipline. It's going to be tough because teenagers aren't as easy to discipline as a four year would be, not that it's impossible. And since his father is not willing to take care of his child, make up excuses not to go to work etc, this will all be up to you. Is that what you want? Unless you are willing to give up your happiness, you should not stay in this relationship. You need to let this guy know that he can either change his ways and take on more responsibilities, you will get out of his life. You give him an ultimatum, don't let him give you one.
A
female
reader, lm9hi  +, writes (3 August 2009):
 the nanny cam-if you are goin ahead with this, i dont think you should put one in this room, as he is a teenage boy, and well lets face it, we dont really want to see what they get upto in their rooms, but if you feel unsure about him, try puttin one in the living room ect, so that you can keep on eye on his behaviour, but dont let him know its there as it may offend him, and well you want to make friends with him not an enemy, good luck!!
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female
reader, ceme +, writes (29 July 2009):
forget RAINORFIRE, he doesn't understand your situation. Anyway, I think your step son feels left out 'cause no one seems to give him the attention he needs. His mom and his dad won't even discipline him. If you can't accept him then you could hand him to his grandparents to raise him instead since you couldn't raise him in that attitude. But if you care for him, try to understand him. He'll understand later on.
just a suggestion.
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female
reader, jenluvs2fish +, writes (29 July 2009):
jenluvs2fish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRAINORFIRE, I am not a bad spirit! This is my life we are talking about here, not just "a few things not going my way" as you put it. I am not cold or selfish either. I came here for advice, not to be critised. Who are you to judge my spirit anyway? He is not just a child, but a bad child who steals and has no respect and I'm a bad spirit for not wanting to raise him...
ALL OTHERS
Does anyone have any thoughts on the nanny cam I mentioned? I feel like I should be able to see what he is doing in my home with my stuff while he is here alone. How is this wrong?
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male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (29 July 2009):
 You seem like a very cold and selfish person a few things arent going your way and you whine about it poor you you cant even see things from another perspective. you hve an unatural disdain for this child. i think you should move out a bad spirit like u isnt gonna help anything
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female
reader, jenluvs2fish +, writes (29 July 2009):
jenluvs2fish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! I wanna start by saying thanks for all the replies. I didn't think I would get so many answers so soon. So thanks to everyone.
Last night when my bf got home, he said he talked to his mommy and she told him that while the kid lives here that she was willing to pay half the rent payment and half of the power bill. I have mixed emotions about this. I feel like it is enableing my bf to not have to actually be responsable and become independent and at the same time, I'm relieved that part of the financial burden will be lifted off of me.
I have a son of my own. He is an adult and knows he has to pay his own way in life. He is not perfect-by far not perfect, but he doesn't rely on me to pay his bills, none of his bills. He was in a real bad car accident that put him in SICU at the hospital, unconscious for 11 days. He recieved a large insurance settlement and used it to buy a truck and a home. Then he felt like he was "set" and didn't need to work. That money ran out and he needed to pay property taxes and get a tag for his truck, etc. I refused to help him because he refused to go to work. I don't think its right to help someone who isn't willing to help themself even my own child. I did help him get a tag for his truck, but I did it as his birthday present so he could drive and get a job. Now my son is painting houses to pay bills. Not a great job, but he does go to work now. My bf could find a different job, or go to work everyday at the job he has and not leave early or go in late. He stays at his current job because its easy and he has job security (he works for my sisters tree service company).
I still don't know what to do about staying or leaving. I just wish it would all go away and my life would be back to normal. I wish it were just a bad dream I could wake up from. I have a very stressful job and don't know how much more stress I can handle at home. My home is supposed to be my haven, where I come to relax and unwind when I get done working, not a war zone with the mess and stress! Oh, I am so confused!
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female
reader, lm9hi +, writes (29 July 2009):
I understand that the boy can be annoying and a lot of hard work, but think of it from his point of view, his mum is giving up custody on him, basically saying she dusnt want him, now that must be hard for anyone to take on, but especially a 14 year old child, child is exactly what he is, which mean he still has to grow up and mature, i know it will be hard but yous are all this boy has, and if he had to think for one minute thats yous didnt want him either how heartbreaking would that be for him, maybe realising that his mother dosnt want him will make him think why, and if he understand its his behaviour he will change, no one wants to feel unwanted, teach him who is boss and that he cant always get what he wants, and dont give him pocket moneys unless he earns it by doing housework, he will realise the hard way when he was no money to go out with his friends what he has to do, just dont give into him, talk to your boyfriend and get him on your side, its 2 against 1. But remember this boy is being abanned by his mum, please dont you be the reson he wil be abanned by his dad to, yous are his family, keep him safe.Good luck xx
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female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (29 July 2009):
You have every right to feel the way you do, you didn't sign up for a kid that is out of control. I would leave him and take my stuff and get my name removed from the lease ASAP. If you let this child move in he is going to be playing you both against each other and you will start to resent him more than you already do. If the man cannot support himself oh well be better get another job, he really sounds like a child himself and he maybe shouldn't raising his own child. You have said nothing wrong you have your standard of what your willing to accept and that shouldn't change. It sounds like this relationship is going nowhere so why are you sticking in there girl move on and be happy and let that disfunctional family get ready for Juvi court because with a kid like that, that is exactly where they will be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): I'm not sure that it's time to end the relationship, but you should move out (or ask your boyfriend to). If you are this distressed about it now, then there will definitely be problems once the boy moves in.Since he's not financially independent, it will be good for your boyfriend to take on all of the responsibility as well.If you care about the relationship and want it to last, you should make an effort to improve your relationship with your stepson; otherwise, your relationship with your boyfriend will suffer.Virtually all 14-year olds are bratty. Teenagers are moody and unpleasant people period. But this kid is going to grow up, and you may one day find him likable. You will have a better chance of having a strong relationship with him down the road if you make an effort now. Move out, but be involved in the kid's life and maybe spend some time with him on your own. Take him somewhere that will be special to him. Try to figure out what other reasons there might be for your distaste for this boy, perhaps because he is not your own.Don't feel guilty for your feelings. Don't feel like the bad guy because you're not ready to live with your stepson. Just calmly explain to your boyfriend that you are not ready and you think it will be better for everyone involved if you two had more space and time alone, to give everyone time to adjust before jumping into an uncomfortable situation.
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reader, jenluvs2fish +, writes (28 July 2009):
jenluvs2fish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I knew he had a kid when we got together, but I didn't know that no one had taught the kid any form of respect. I also didn't know that he would turn out to steal. The kid lived with his mother and I would have never imagined she would sign over custody of him. I also can't imagine how it could end up being my responsability to pay his way! If his dad can't afford to take care of himself, then how can he afford to raise a kid?
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reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (28 July 2009):
You really dont like this child, but have you tried to see things from his perspective, Hes 14 years old the world is so big and small at the same time at his age his parents are seperated and now his mother wants to abandon him.As a christian i could never turn my back on a child,What your decribing is not a brat its a failure of the adults in his life,I dont feel you should be with this man if you cant accept his child,Why are you with this man he seems like a coward if he cant discipline his own child."He thinks if I don't want to raise his brat that I should leave. Even though he can't afford the bills or to refurnish the house." You should leave hes a grown man hell figure it out.I think you could be a good influence on this kid of you see past your predjudice, being your the only one who seems to care. You could give the kid a chance, if his father wont discipline him then you do it have you ever even talked to this child you mention all his faults but have you ever helped him.I believe some may be incorrigible but this is just a child and may have some hope."I'm not crazy about children to begin with, but I can't stand a kid with no manners and a severe case of brattyness. My bf thinks I am being mean because I have threatened to move out if he moves in"You seem very cold an uncaring have you ever tried to teach this kid manners have you ever explained the importance of manners to him, the boy is not stupid he knows you dont like him he probably feels theres nothing he can do to change your opinion of him so he no longer cares or tries to.if you want to be with the father you need to accept the son dont give him an ultimatum. these things are a part of life.you can teach this child to become a good man or abandone him like so many others the choice is yours.
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