A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i dropped my fiance off at a work christmas party so he could drink if he wanted to and so he wouldnt have to worry about the snowstorm. he was going to call an uber at 11 so itd be there for sure by 12. that was the plan. i go home, fall asleep trying to get the baby to sleep, then i wake up at 130am. hes not home, and i have no missed calls. i text him, no response. go back to sleep then the same happens at 330am. so im scared, i just dropped him off alone in detroit in a snowstorm, and he does not reply once and just comes home at 830am. i dont let him in. his friend picks him up. couple hours later he comes back home, i let him in. he grabs my face and tells me he wishes i was dead. he hates me. he never wants to see my face again. says im just mad because i didnt get to go out. not true, happily drove him there. then he accuses me of thinking he cheated (not true), then accuses me of cheating. i dont know if i can be with someone who says they wish i was dead. i want to keep the family together for my daughter, but also not accept that kind of treatment. when i texted him i wasnt being vicious or "crazy". just maybe 5 texts over 7 hours saying, "you could have told me plans have changed", progressing into texts like, "you should go to your moms tomorrow. i have no idea why you are incapable of texting me or answering your phone. are you alive?" like pretty tame things. then i locked him out, but really.. i have kind of severe anxiety and depression and to say that isnt something i can shrug off.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 Do you trust him? Because I wouldn't. What was his excuse for not being home? Where did he stay? Who with. He showed signs off aggression to you, but also he brought up the topic off cheating and accused you, which would make me think that he was up to no good himself.
I mean seriously what kind of behavior is that for your daughter to witness? I understand you don't want her to come from a broken home, but I would rather her be from a happy home than a miserable one where she sees aggression. Think about it, would you want her to think it is okay to be treated like that?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2016): I think maybe he cheated that night at the work party. Often people who cheat will get defensive even when they don't have to, and very often they accuse the other person of cheating! I get the feeling he was still drunk when he came in and said these things. I wouldn't be comfortable with a man who stays out all night at a party....yeah, maybe till 1:30 am would be acceptable...but there's no reason for all night.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2016): If you go to therapy and this man IS abusive it will make matters worse. If you decide on this course of action then as a matter of importance please make sure that your therapist is affiliated to 'Refuge'. A therapist who is not trained in calculated abuse towards women (or men), will see this problem as being 50% of your making and your partner will think all his Christmasses have come at once. I have experienced this as has my friend of many years who went through the same thing.
Good luck and take care x
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 December 2016):
 By the way, I don't think you should stay, as what he did was abusive, but therapy is needed if you do decide to stay. For your safety, I wouldn't advise sticking around, though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2016): HiI think you behaved as anyone in that situation would have done, except perhaps locking him out, because at that point you didn't know what had happened. There may have been an accident for example. He however:1. Stayed out all night without letting you know.2. Didn't answer your texts and allowed you to become very worried and very angry. Understandable reaction from you in my opinion.3. He becomes aggressive and insulting in the extreme, when you show your annoyance at something you are, in my opinion, perfectly entitled to be annoyed about. 4. Accusing you of things that are untrue...cheating, thinking he's cheating and telling you how you feel. These actions are by someone who is abusive and who is most likely cheating himself. Sorry to say. His behaviour contains a lot of classic abusive tactics.Telling you how you feel and getting it wrong on purpose to wind you up, telling you what your motives are etc etc, when he is totally wrong and knows it. He is more than likely doing this to put you on the defensive rather than the attack. A classic abusive tactic. It's called 'deflection'. An abusive man who is cheating will always throw blame back to the innocent party to 'deflect' the heat off himself. His reaction was totally over the top. He should have been very apologetic to have put you through that worry and to have changed his plans completely without telling you. If it was the other way around and he had dropped you off and you were coming home by cab and then you never arrived or answered his texts and stayed out all night, you would expect him to be very angry wouldn't you? Instead, his VERY over the top reaction is all designed to make you the one in the wrong. Telling YOU you're cheating, that you were angry because you didn't go out, when he knows that's not true. Grabbing your face and telling you he wishes you were dead are also obviously abusive behaviours. This man is not someone I believe you will ever be happy with. Abusive men will be the best men you ever met, until they think they have 'got you'. Things can change on the wedding night. Women whose partners have been 'amazing' up until the actual wedding night when they've been hit and ACTUALLY TOLD 'I can stop acting now'. The abuse can start on the wedding night, or when you move in together or when you have a child together. This is the point when they think you won't leave them. You say you have a young baby. Do you recognise anything I'm saying? Was he wonderful to begin with? Charming and attentive? Did it change suddenly? Do you feel as if you are having to walk on eggshells? The abuse may have only just started. If I'm right and I'm pretty sure I am, then please do NOT go to counselling/marriage guidance with this man. The therapist, unless actually affiliated to an organisation such as 'refuge', will have been trained that all problems in a relationship are 50/50. Unfortunately, in abuse that is not the case. The therapist will, therefore, give your fiancé plenty of ammunition when he is told that the problems are also created by you. In my case and in the case of every abused woman I know, this is not true. We generally become OVER accommodating and helpful, to try to prevent the next abusive outburst. I hope you decide not to accept this behaviour from him. Please read up on abuse especially a book that I found to be the best book that I believe there to be on the subject. It's called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It will give you so much more information and insight into this episode from your fiancé than I ever could.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (18 December 2016):
 I don't blame you for locking him out. I am not surprised that you were worried, what does he expect? anything could have happened to him. And it was at 8:30 the next morning, he cant just think he can stroll in when he wants to. We all do things when we are worried and angry. Let things calm down and give him some ground rules. Tell him you will not put up with that kind of behaviour. And give him a key x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 December 2016):
 I wouldn't stay with a guy like that, WHAT kind of message is that sending to your daughter? That as a woman you suck up your fiance saying crap to you because he acted like a total twat?
Sorry, this would be my exit. Or rather HIS exit. I would NOT want to live or BE with someone who says things like that, it just opens the floodgates for them to say whatever they want whenever.
He should KNOW that if the "plan" was that he would take a car home at 11 pm then he either takes a car home or HE calls/texts you and let you know the change of plans.
However, it's rather childish to NOT let him in when he gets home. After all, you claim you were worried about his safety, but you were fine with him being outside in the freezing cold at 8:30 am? That doesn't compute. You locking him out was your "revenge" for having been worried all night and not a good move on your behalf. Childish.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 December 2016):
This is tricky. Locking out a drunk fiancée is harsh - that said, he should have had a key because anyone could break in and you shouldn't have had to stay up all night. He should also have called you to let you know what was happening.
If you stay together, get couples counselling. Whether you stay or go, it will be harmful for your daughter to grow up seeing her dad be so aggressive to her mother and it will be harmful for your mental health.
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